#if someone tells me how to properly tag episodes ill do it

[zionmantis]

I would love to hear about how the DE speaks to your experiences with psychosis!

DE seems to be an attempt to represent thinking through game/story mechanics, and I really appreciate that it doesn’t seem to just represent “normal” thought but also neurodivergent or dysfunctional thoughts. Made me feel seen, so I’d love to hear how it made you feel, if it’s something you’d want to share!

Ah, thanks for the ask! I hope my tags on your post didn't seem rude; reading back I was so worried they did <3 You made an absolutely wonderful post; I wouldn't have reblogged it if I didn't love it. I'm ADHD too, and it's so great to see a character we can relate with and to see how positive reinforcement from a person like Kim can really make a difference.

Excuse me while I ramble a bit! This is stuff I want to post about all the time but I worry people will hate it, so questions like this really make me happy because it gives me an excuse x)

One of the reasons I adore this game more than any other is that it's both breathtakingly sad as well as absolutely hysterical, and humor is how I've started approached my issues of mental illness in the past. Now, that way is not for everyone; some people don't want any sort of laughter at it, and that's completely valid and makes perfect sense, but humor is just how I've been able to adjust to memories of really bad times in my life without completely hating myself. For me, the game does a really good job of making a hard subject funny without making it seem like we're laughing AT Harry, if that makes sense, even if we think some of his antics are hilarious. I also love love love that that humor is also tackling the, mmm, less "romantic" (?I'm not sure that's the word I want to use for this...maybe "palatable"?) issues that can come with severe mental illness. Like if I remember right, there's a nonstandard ending where Harry can end up living under a bridge and throwing his own shit at people who pass by, pff.

For me it was a surprise to come into this fandom and find that not everyone sees what he's going through as being psychosis (same with ADHD; he absolutely has that, at least to me). I've seen a couple people -- I think it was on Reddit -- argue that what Harry experiences is not psychosis and is just a manifestation of his thought processes and impulsive behavior, and for me that is just...wild xD (and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it's fun to discuss, I think?)

But here's the deal for me: if someone sticks their thumb up their ass in public because their friend dared them to and they think it will be funny, that's impulsive behavior. If someone sticks their thumb up their ass in public because a voice in their head told them it would make them a better detective, that's a delusion.

So what does that have to do with me? Well, for me, I have a rare diagnosis of OCD with psychotic features, and (gonna put the rest of this under a cut in case it's triggering for people to read about psychotic episodes)

mine, before being involuntarily (but needed at the time) hospitalized twice and properly medicated, tended to be things like...I would think my limbs were detaching themselves from my body, or one time I wouldn't open my eyes for literally almost two days because I thought all sharp-cornered objects would cut them. Hallucinations would involve seeing what I thought was my skin being pulled as my limbs detached and occasional auditory hallucinations of crowds in my head (where I'd then think they were trying to tell me something Important and drive myself crazy sitting and listening to unreal crowd burble noises), but none of the stuff fiction likes to show because it's easier to depict (never had voices in my head telling me to do stuff or saw a super clear hallucination of a person or monster unless you count sleep paralysis. There were occasional shadows and vague faces that move in walls which I still get when I'm extra tired, but the only times I ever thought those things were real was when my brain was telling me I was receiving otherworldly messages.) There were other things, too, behavioral stuff I'd rather not talk about because it's still so shameful for me.

I thankfully respond really well to medication, which is especially good since OCD with psychosis is notoriously hard to treat since the types of drugs for OCD vs. psychosis seem to do the exact opposite things and block one another.

Anyway, back to DE. This is a bit...shallow, but it was extremely refreshing to play a game where the main character is at least as big of a disaster as me, if not worse xD;. I FEEL SO SEEN, haha, and not only that, but it's a protagonist in an extremely popular game, and fans like him anyway??? That's fantastic. I never thought I'd see the day.

Now, why does he have psychosis -- as in what diagnosis? I'm not sure, but I don't think it'd be OCD with psychotic features like me (even if he potentially has OCD, which I'll discuss in a moment.) I'd say he probably has bipolar 1 and/or (since not unusual to be comorbid), schizophrenia, though I lean more toward bipolar 1 even though the game itself says the word "schizophrenia" out loud a couple times. (To be clear, I'm not a mental health professional, but I don't think the writers of DE are, either. I would also like to say that if anyone reading this is schizophrenic and feel that Harry is as well, your opinion is way more valid than my own and I'd love to hear from you.)

I lean toward bipolar 1 because of the obvious -- he's gone through both manic and depressive stages in the past and does so in the game with a ton of delusional thinking combined with (short-lived or skin-deep) inflated sense of self (Superstar Cop, Honor Cop, etc.) It's also well known that folks with bipolar tend to self medicate. It's less well known that bipolar often has psychotic features as well.

As for an argument for schizophrenia, I'd point toward Apocalypse Cop, that paranoid delusion (??? mmaaaaybe, haha,) about the world ending (I really only know about paranoid schizophrenia; I don't know much about the other types, so it's entirely possible Harry has one of those instead,) as well as his lack of awareness about hygiene, though that could maybe be explained by his amnesia and the fact he was on a days-long bender before the game started. The reason I'm a little bit hesitant toward it is because Harry seems too aware of his own problems and the fact that he is not experiencing life the way most other people do, (he actually questions Kim at the beginning if Kim also hears voices,) and the couple people I met in the hospital that had schizophrenia were (when still adjusting to medications or had yet to find something that would work for them,) really unable to have that kind of self-awareness.

As for the OCD, I'm not as sure of that for him like I am with ADHD and either his bipolar and/or schizophrenia, but I think there's some pretty good arguments to be made. To me, Harry's constant harping on things that no one else thinks is interesting or important is a factor of his ADHD but can *feel* like OCD, but more so when he is stuck in verbal loops, which could definitely actually be OCD rather than, say, brain damage, since he seems to be aware that he's doing it. Some of the more bullying Skills also feel SO much like OCD, the ones telling him to do things that are nonsensical and that he doesn't actually seem to want to do feels like -- just for one of my many, many non-hallucinatory, fully OCD moments in my life -- when I just had to put a lit match in my mouth because if I didn't, *everyone I love would die,* pff. (Spoiler alert: it burns and it tastes weird.) Actually, I'm just now realizing why Authority may have been one of my least favorite Skills, as funny as its situations could get (ICE COP HAT FUCK SHOW?!??!?)

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a long answer to your question, @linisiane, but it made me so happy you asked! I really appreciate your question. This game is so good for making most people with any kind of neurodivergence feel good. I think it might be the most important fictional thing (for my own well-being) I've ever found. There's so much you can say about it. In fact, I know I've forgotten some stuff I wanted to talk about, but oh well! I can always add or something later if I feel like it. If anyone has any questions about this, you're very free to ask me. I'm also super excited to start talking to more people in the DE fandom; I have yet to convince any of my friends to play it for more than ten minutes.

I love y'all so much! I mean it. This fandom is great.

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

Oh man I really agree with your tags on that one post. The whole king of delusion thing is terrible to me bc like. Delusions aren’t some gotcha you can use against him? It’s a serious mental health issue? But I’d also like to add I hate when people mock him for smelling bad or having poor hygiene or w/e… :/ It’s not funny when people with mental illness can’t properly take care of their hygiene lol I thought we were all understanding of this?

EXACTLY. It's not like "wow look how wrong you are and how terrible you are for being delusional".

Also the hygiene thing pisses me off too. I know lots of his fans use it as a joke, even affectionately, but like... he was homeless. He was living in the slums. Most people around him probably smelled bad. I'm sure they and he cleaned up whenever they could, but buddy, the slums isn't a public showering area. They'd be lucky if they were able to bathe. It's not something they take for granted. Even the "smelly cape" jokes bother me.

I've met homeless people. I've lived in a shelter where I met people who prior to that shelter lived in tents. Showering and bathing isn't something they could just get up and do before being in the shelter. Those people are lucky if they can even go to the bathroom in a proper bathroom, let alone being able to bathe.

Then like you said, on top of that, he's mentally ill. He's not thinking about his next bath. He's talking to people who are dead, believing they are answering him back and responding to their answers to him. There's also the general idea that Lambert's last words were not actually what were told to us via Dimitri's flashback, but the words he remembers because of his illness. He is very likely remembering wrong, because that version of Lambert matches the version of him that Dimtiri talks to, but does not match the version of him in Rodrigue's flashback.

Even depression can cause a lack of proper hygiene, and that's also a mental illness. In his case he has full on episodes of either psychotic breaks or having conversations with people who aren't there, and when he's out of those states he's desperately trying to do what he's been told to do by those voices. He's trying to do it both for those people and because, as he expresses later into AM, he wants them to stop. Those voices harass him day in and out and ridicule him and it hurts him, so he becomes desperate to do what they tell him so they stop tormenting him (which is part why he's so hellbent on hurrying to finish his tasks in the first half of AM).

It's an absolute spiral of a situation, where he already has these delusions but now on top of them feels absolutely terrible and like someone who has been emotionally abused by loved ones for years and years. He loves them but is terrified of them because they always say awful things to him or try to say things about him that aren't true. The worst part is that these are delusions of people who loved him and were nothing like this, so it causes even more suffering for him.

I don't really understand why it's so funny to people to poke fun at characters with or for bad hygiene. Like, firstly it's... just not a funny thing/topic? And secondly I'm sure there are people uncomfortable with it because they have bad hygiene or lower than "socially acceptable" hygiene due to mental illness and feel they're being laughed at as well for their hygiene. That's definitely a stereotypical mindset and something society does to make fun of people less fortunate than them, be it physically, mentally or both (like not having access to bathing.

Rich people can bathe whenever they want and often in media look down on "stinky people" who are always the poor, generally living in the slums). It's a very unfortunate dominant mindset and almost always comes from people who are more well off and haven't experienced it for themselves to realize how awful it can be (and there are of course people who don't need to experience something to know how bad it is, and I wish there were just more people like that).

I just don't understand what's so funny about hygiene. If anything it just feels like people laughing at the concept of someone not being up to society's standards about health, and it's what literal kids do to make fun of each other. Like, if someone smells bad, I feel like we should be more concerned about the person and why that is... and that would be the case if society raised its people to think that way, but since society raised people to be the opposite (to make fun of smelly people), most people who haven't experienced it for themselves make fun of it.

Like... idk am I missing something lol, I just don't see the humor in someone smelling bad. Even without considering any implications behind it I still don't see the humor in it. Considering Dimitri's circumstances though it just feels very wrong to see people make fun of him for that. I know fans of his that do it are doing it harmlessly and most likely wouldn't make fun of real people for similar things, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's just nothing amusing about poor hygiene.

Using it as fuel to hate on him though is just is a show of someone's true character and who they really are. :/ Anyone who makes fun of him for his hygiene and mental illness are the kind of people who look down on people with those problems and deserve to experience it for themselves to see just how awful that shit can be. It being fictional doesn't change the fact that it's a show on someone's true character to be able to make fun of someone suffering, and especially to the extent Dimitri does.

Like yes, Edelgard suffered, but she has her own way of moving past it. She's not suffering in the same way as Dimitri or handling it the same way and comes across as "strong" for that - another societal mindset from people who think it's "strong" to not show that you're suffering or have suffered. It's how she handles it, sure, and that's fine... but it's people's reactions to how differently they handle their trauma that's so obnoxious.

People can only be pushed so far, and people hate on Dimtiri for his violence despite that being part of his illness and trauma. Hating on people for being violent as a result of their feelings or past is an awful thing and I really think anyone who can hate on a good and well meaning/intentioned person (real or fictional) simply because they're violent toward bad things needs some serious introspection (like Dimitri having violent reactions to seeing innocents being slaughtered in front of him at Remire. It was an impulsive reaction that he would've hid if he could have, but he wasn't able to).

Like oh no, how dare someone be violent and aggressive toward murderers! How dare someone say off with their head when they've done terrible things! Not everyone is perfectly peaceful and puritan. Hell, Edelgard isn't either and chooses violence as her first and foremost answer to everything, and only considers "negotiations" (i.e. anything that will benefit her/the Empire and only her) if she's losing and only stands to gain from them.

Her first solution to everything is violence, and yet Dimitri is the one who gets shat on for... being violent. Because of his trauma and illness specifically, both in game and out. But since Edelgard has been able to moved past her trauma for the most part and has a different way of handling it that "looks better", he looks "bad" for not having gotten past his trauma yet. Good for her to be able to handle it the way she does, but why is it "bad for him" that he can't handle it "better"?

[shhhhyoursister]

music in druck!!!! (s3ep1)

hi friends!!!! this is something i’ve been wanting to do for a WHILE and i got an ask about it and i’ve also been really needing a rewatch lately so it’s all worked out for me to start this tonight!!!

i’ll start off by saying that i am,,, someone who listens to music literally multiple times a day every day, if i am alone and it’s possible i am listening to music, and i’ve played music for about 12 years so it’s something that’s always been extremely important to me, and something i noticed very quickly with druck is that the music is....amazing??? it’s all perfectly picked and helps the story flow so well?? and since i loved it so much i went into the matteo playlist on spotify and made my own 2 playlists from it (i was asked to drop links so i’m dropping links):

1. songs from druck that hit different

2. soft druck hours

and i listen to these playlists....every single day, so there are some songs i’m extremely familiar with from this show and some i’m not, but i will analyze all fairly!!! (i am gonna mark my faves with a ** though cause i have to share my opinions) my analysis will sometimes go off lyrics but will mostly more go off the vibes ya know?? vibes are important with music!!!!

but enough of that....here are my Thoughts™️

turning me on - it was very smart to start the season with a song that builds like this, and is obviously a party song cause they’re at a party!! and the way the music mixes with the way they edited the characters, like they sped stuff up to match the beat of the song (best example is when kiki and sam were like....there’s no other way to it than smacking their boobs together i’m so sorry) and then when you finally see matteo sitting alone the music gets super muffled for a second?? and you can really tell that he just doesn’t care about what’s happening around him at best and doesn’t like it at worst, and then when he’s dancing with sara you can start to hear party sounds over the music, and it kinda seems like it means that matteo is out of his own head a little and back into the party and not his own little bubble anymore, and you can finally start making out specific dialogue when matteo actually goes into the bathroom to talk with the boys

**how have you been? - i feel like this song and this whole scene kind of set up two specific aspects of matteo very quickly and very well: 1. he’s probably goin through some shit cause his room is a mess and covered in beer bottles and clothes, and 2. he is a very soft, sweet boy who is obviously pining over his best friend, and with the softness of the song and with just the absolute LONGING on his face when he plays with jonas’ hair??? like my dude my guy you can tell this twink is just FULL of yearning!!!!! there’s also so much that can be said about the lines “i woke up and it didn’t go away” like that could be referencing matteo’s depression, him trying to repress his sexuality, like we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that!!! also gotta say matteo noticing the girl’s number on jonas’s arm as the lyrics “will you not think of me tonight” are sung is.......kinda heartbreaking, bro, but in that very specific gay pining over your straight best friend way

**nothing else - so this song doesn’t play for super long but i can vaguely talk about the lyrics??? so it starts off with “you don’t want to be rich like everybody else does / you just wanna grow old sit still while everybody else runs” which could kind of be a callout to matteo’s apparent lack of motivation?? and his feeling of kinda being stuck and just going with whatever happens to him?? and like how his friends are doing well in school and seem to know what they want to do (fast forward to matteo talking about being annoyed when he’s asked what he wants to do after school) and that general feeling you get when you’re depressed in school, ya know??? on a happier note i feel like the line “i like you just the way you are” is a kind of foreshadowing the whole “no, you’re good the way you are” line which just....absolutely slaps ya know??? like that shit is breathtaking bro

heaven - okay so first of all the way this song starts of so soft and slow and stays soft and slow is a very good foreshadowing for davenzi’s relationship i feel, especially the beginning of it when they’re still both kinda deciding if they want to push past their own specific “baggage” and pursue the other, like all the super cute awkward flirting and just how painstakingly slow the almost kiss was, so much of their relationship is just so slow and gentle and sweet and soft and this song really hits on so much of that!!!! even during the peak of the song it’s quiet, but with so much force and build up that you can tell that something important is happening, and it’s at its loudest when they look at each other but even THEN the music is so gentle and just beautiful and kinda hopeful honestly?? it has a slight energy behind it, especially when the song picks up later (which isn’t played in the show) but that part has a lot of just good energy behind it, i think it was like,, the perfect song to start off davenzi’s relationship tbh!!!

bullet - okay so the fact the the first note of the song plays just as david smiles fully for the first time and the second note plays just as matteo smiles the tiniest bit back at him (cause he’s already crushin HARD you can just tell) is really just *chefs kiss* absolute perfection!!! and then it keeps playing and it’s kind of sad as david walks away, and right after matteo says “i think that’s somebody else” the first lyrics are sung, which happen to be “these ropes they tie my tongue” which is an obvious reference to the fact that he’s fucking GAY and is just so scared to say something, but now he sees this new boy and is like haha jk.......unless???

[beckydoesthings]

various fics of hxl that i adore reading! this list is quite lengthy, but feel free to message me if you have any questions!

*will continue to be updated. also, if i mistagged you, i apologize, i do not know how to tumblr*

Love Is a Rebellious Bird

E | 134k | @100percentsassy and gloria_andrews

AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who "has made Mozart cool again" according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Don't hum Bolero.

i think this tickled every bone of my musical self and also made me cry (are you seeing a theme here??) one of the first fics i fell in love with and one i keep coming back to.

Collision

E | 226k | @tequiladimples

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

the world building in this one is insanity - so much good mythology mixed in and it made me screech with joy. i think i can firmly say that i did not expect where the plot went, but that made the story so much better.

Flour and Chocolate

M | 145k | @danosphere91

It was nice, for a bakery he supposed.

Then he approached the display cabinet.

And the foreboding slammed into him. Because every product had letters next to it. Letters. GF, DF, V, O, VGN.

What. The. Fuck?

Lifting his eyes to the chalkboard menu spread across the back wall Louis felt physically ill. ‘Gluten-free’, ‘organic’, ‘vegan’, ‘paleo’, ‘dair-…’ Wait, what the fuck was a paleo? He had entered some hipster-trash establishment and it was more than time to get out.

OR

Louis is a single dad and Harry works at the newly opened bakery down the street.

the miscommunication in this fic is SO REAL and makes for a good read. the rest of the flour and chocolate series is also fantastic. i thoroughly enjoyed both the ziam and ed/niall arcs that bring the whole story together.

run away home

E | 106k | @hattalove

Louis stands, in the middle of a clearing with his hands in his pockets, and stares. This boy—God, this gorgeous, gorgeous boy. He seems so clumsy, confused at the best of times, but there’s a wisdom about him as he speaks, a maturity that belies his age.

Louis is hopelessly, wildly attracted to him.

or, louis is a successful jockey down on his luck, struggling to get his life back on track after an injury. harry has a horse, a house fit for a prince, and a broken heart.

it takes them a while to figure out that they need each other.

this makes my inner horse girl extraordinarily happy - even if i don’t know anything about horse racing. louis’ story in this is beautiful and makes the whole piece worth a read.

waiting for the tides to meet

E | 60k | @nauticalleeds

Louis lets out a deep breath, thinking about Harry’s soulmate. Thinking about how Harry’s soulmate is probably as beautiful as Harry, some person that Louis cannot compare to, and how the universe has chosen them to be Harry’s. Fuck the universe. “Fuck you,” he calls out to the universe. He’s aware of how crazy he sounds.

Maybe he is crazy, with how he’s falling for Harry. And fuck that, too.

Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with heterochromia — one eye is their own eye colour, while the other is the colour of their soulmate's. It's only when they meet their soulmate for the first time that their own eyes match properly. After a hazy night at a frat party, Louis wakes up to blue eyes and the shocking realization that he had met his soulmate, without any sober recollection. Seven years pass where Louis comes to terms with the fact that he'll never know who his soulmate is. Then one fated summer, a beautiful green-eyed photographer arrives at Louis' workplace, with promises of endless laughter and a familiar feeling in Louis' heart.

Featuring a lovely cup of OT5, a road trip down the coast, and a scene where Harry eats a whole head of lettuce. Don't ask why.

gorgeous soulmate AU that gives me summer cruising vibes. worth the read for the lettuce scene alone (i kid, i kid)

Do Not Go Gentle

E | 70k | @afirethatcannotdie

“This is all a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s not for me. This is a real life or death situation,” Louis says, spitting the words at him. “And I just don’t think you’re cut out for it.”

For a moment, they stare at each other in complete silence. Harry can feel his blood thrumming between his ears, can see Louis glaring at him, feels red-hot anger. And then all he feels, oppressively and desperately, is lust.

Suddenly Louis is surging up to him to press his lips against Harry’s. Harry walks the two of them backwards, pressing Louis back against the door. Louis oomphs in surprise and brings his hands under Harry’s scrub top, scratching at his lower back.

“Lock — oh — lock the… fucking door,” Louis mutters.

When Harry Styles starts his first day as a surgical intern, he expects a lot of things: to treat patients, to observe a surgery, to feel a bit overwhelmed. What he definitely doesn't expect, however, is that the handsome guy he kicked out of his bed this morning is also an intern.

A Grey’s Anatomy AU where tensions are high, Harry and Louis are hooking up in secret, and no one has time for love. Or do they?

okay i’ve watched maybe 3 episodes of Gray’s Anatomy, but i feel like this encompasses the vibe of the show: medical stuff with a hefty dose of angst and sexual tension

Falling For Me Won’t Be A Mistake

M | 58k | @all-these-larrythings

Harry is married to his job and so overworked that he doesn't know how to stop. All it takes is a forced Hawaiian get-a-away, the warm tropical breeze of the island, and the most beautiful, elusive man he's ever seen to make him remember what living is like outside of work. Well, that, and the little souvenir he accidentally takes home with him.

one of my favorite mpreg fics so if that’s not your cup of tea, then don’t read it. i love surgeon harry with a vengeance, but honestly Gems and Niall are iconic in this one.

Watching the World Fall

E | 11k | @crazyupsetter why won’t it let me tag :(

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

i have a soft spot the size of Antarctica for Late Late AU fics (we stan James Corden) and for exes to lovers so this checks all the boxes.

autumn leaves

E | 27k | @suspendrs

“Brave?” Harry frowns, caught off guard. “No, not particularly.”

“You seem brave,” Louis decides, pushing off the wall and stepping on the butt of his cigarette. “You are strong, and you are not mean. That’s good,” he assures, touching Harry’s arm gently.

“Thank you, but that’s not true,” Harry smiles ruefully. “I’m really not anything special.”

Or, Harry is an American soldier in France during World War II, and Louis is a French waiter that doesn't mean to fall in love with him.

love love french AUs and while this one isn’t sunshine and rainbows, it’s a beautiful yet heart wrenching piece. warning for period typical homophobia

caught up in your love affair

NR | 8k | @disgruntledkittenface

“And the corgis took to you straightaway,” Harry remarks.

“That’s true,” Louis chuckles.

 “I’ve spent the last 29 years being barked at,” Harry deadpans, jerking his hand toward Louis, “this one walks in, absolutely nothing.”

Louis outright giggles at that, saying, “They were just lying on my feet during tea.”

“Wagging tails,” Harry says, shaking his head.

“It’s because they don’t understand flirting,” Louis tells him, “you can’t charm them the way you do everyone else.”

Royal AU. Prince Harry announces his engagement to Louis Tomlinson in an interview with longtime friend and BBC host Nick Grimshaw. Inspired by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

just. 8k of royal fluff. that’s literally it and i adore it so much.

Apples Always Fall (As I Do For You)

M | 54k | @rainbowsandgucci

”Due to unforeseen circumstances, help is needed here at the orchard for the impending apple season. Looking for someone able to start within the next week or two at the most, is willing to do whatever miscellaneous tasks are needed, such as picking & packing apples, running the cash register, and other handywork that may need to be done. Must be good with customers, and able to lift up to 50lbs. Help will be needed until at the least the end of October. Please contact the number found on this page, or come out to the orchard and ask for Harry. All the love xx” --- Louis is staying at his Aunt's farm in a small town in Minnesota for four months. To deal with the boredom that sets in a week into his stay, he starts working at the local apple orchard, owned by twenty six year old Harry Styles. Louis quickly finds himself falling in love with the orchard, and he finds a family in Harry's friends Niall, Liam, and Zayn. He also starts to fall in love with Harry. Falling in love with him turns out to be the easy part.

i never thought i would enjoy an apple orchard fic?? but it’s so good?? farmer harry makes me laugh to think about, but the heartbreak in this fic is so. real.

Mine Would Be You

E | 114k | @crinkle-eyed-boo

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

exes to lovers drama but make it extra sad. the fact that we see so many facets to this story just makes it all the more painful, yet beautiful. this fic also reminds me of how much i love one mister niall horan.

One for Luck

E | 96k | @leavingonatrain

The very first time Louis remembers hearing Harry Styles' deep, deep voice, he's just won gold at the World Equestrian Games and he's officially back on Great Britain's Olympic team. He's also three sheets to the wind, drunk on victory and champagne, and there's a gorgeous boy whispering in his ear. Life's grand.

(AU: Louis and Harry are professional riders on the British Olympic team.)

again, i know nothing about horses, but i like to pretend i do for the sake of this fic. it’s beautiful, it’s smutty what else could you ask for?

Nothing But You On My Mind

E | 83k | @absoloutenonsense

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

i absolutely. definitely. sobbed tears at this fic. it’s just so beautifully painful to read. don’t want to spoil anything, but this is a must.

Adore You

M | 67k | @isthatyoularry

“We invited our new acquaintances from uptown. You’ve simply got to meet their oldest son!” said his mother with a flourish, and suddenly it became abundantly clear as to why his parents had so adamantly demanded he join them in Deansville for the entirety of the summer.

Against his wishes, Harry spends the holidays at his family’s summer estate, and is reluctantly pulled into a courtship he didn’t ask for. Harry doesn’t want to get married, but Louis does. They don’t fit, but then again they really, really do.

Vaguely set in the 1920’s. Headpieces, jazz, fashionable canes, and flapper dresses, and that.

i strongly relate to harry in this one! one of my favorite historical AUs and honestly i love the thought of louis in well fitting suits.

leave it to the breeze

E | 81k | @hattalove

Louis couldn’t be prouder of his bake, but there’s something—there’s something. Something about Harry Styles and the earnest way he measures, pours, mixes, scrapes. Something about the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he knocks the air out of his batter.

or a great british bake off au in which louis cares about winning and winning only, harry is made of sunshine and rainbow sprinkles, and niall sticks his nose into other people's business. also featuring liam as louis's best friend-slash-concerned mother, and zayn as a macaron connoisseur.

i. love. the. great british baking show. baking + h&l is amazing. and another reminder as to why niall is the absolute best.

Paint The Sky With Stars

M | 62k | @icanhazzalou grrr let me tag

On 10 April 1912, Harry Styles boards the finest ship the world has ever seen. Still grieving the death of their mother, he and his sister are being sent to America to live with a callous uncle who cares more about his business connections than family. Harry prepares himself for a long, disappointing voyage alone in his stateroom.

Louis Tomlinson has borrowed and saved, and finally has enough to purchase a Third Class ticket to America. With all of his belongings in a single ruck sack, he boards the Titanic filled with hope for a brighter future. Never one to sit still, he can’t resist exploring the massive ship, and soon goes sneaking into First Class in a stolen steward’s uniform.

By a twist of fate, Louis finds himself in Harry’s stateroom, entranced by the most attractive man he’s ever laid eyes on. He keeps returning day after day, even if he doesn’t understand what it is about Harry that continues pulling him in. That’s all right; Louis has a week to figure it out, and Harry is plenty willing to help.

Except they don’t have a week. They have four days. Because on 15 April, their entire world will be turned upside down.

Or, the historically accurate Titanic AU with a happy ending.

gorgeous historical fic that’s so accurate and painstakingly written. i keep coming back to it!

When It’s Late At Night

M | 25k | @all-these-larrythings

Louis has zero interest in an ex-boybander turned solo artist when his appearance on the show gets announced, but that's exactly who he gets stuck with when Harry Styles shows up at the Late Late show to promote the release of his debut album. For an entire fucking week.

Or

The Late Late prompt that we all need to get through this excruciatingly hard time.

remember when i said i love Late Late AUs? yeah. i love that louis gives absolutely zero shits in this fic until he gives all the shits.

Chasing Empty Spaces

E | 79k | @domestic-harry

The year is 1934 and Harry Styles was to inherent the largest tobacco firm in the south. His parents have picked out the “perfect” girl for him to marry and he has the privilege of receiving the highest education possible. The problem was, Harry hadn’t realized he didn’t actually want any part of that future until he met a mechanic named, Louis Tomlinson.

gorgeous historical AU that goes through Harry’s struggle with his sexuality wonderfully. this one also made me cry.

Resist Everything Except Temptation

E | 100k | @domestic-harry

The lethargic sound of heels clicking against wood resonated across the sea. Footsteps descended the staircase, every assured step creating a menacing aura as it grew closer. Perspiration gathered along Louis’ palms as the rhythmic sound halted in front of him.

“Captain,” Malik greeted.

Louis watched out of his peripheral as Malik’s boots shuffled back a few steps. Sweat matted the hair along the nape of Louis’ neck as he waited for something to happen. He felt as if a sharp blade was twisting his gut as the silence became tangible. There was a metallic slide of a sword being pulled out of its sheath, the sound startling Louis out of his cocoon of sterile shock. His shoulders jumped as the tip of a blade flattened underneath his jaw. Louis’ distorted reflection stared back at him in the polished metal. Engraved rose petals twisted his appearance as they crawled up the length of the sword. The sword lifted and took Louis’ chin with it.

Standing in front of Louis was Captain Styles.

OR

The one where Louis is the commodore's son who is forced to become a part of Harry's crew when he is captured.

love this pirate AU that’s got one badass gemma styles. also, harry as a super cool pirate in gorgeous clothes makes me super happy!

i’ll make this feel like home

E | 49k

Harry to groans himself and then takes a deep breath. “Okay, well. Here’s the thing. I peed on a stick.”

Louis isn’t able to get more than a shocked “What!” out before Harry’s steamrolling on.

“I peed on a stick and it says it’s positive, but you always prattle on about how it’s best to go to the doctor’s before you get excited, you know to confirm it because sometimes hormones are off or you have like a tumor or some shit and get false positives and what if I’m dying and-”

“You’re pregnant?!” Louis shouts out, stomach dropping as the words leave his mouth.

“Um, yeah… maybe.”

[the one where Louis' hopelessly in love with his best mate... who just happens to be pregnant with another man's baby.]

baby momma harry with hot mess!Louis is a recipe for disaster, but this one has plenty of fluff to make up for it.

Hands Clasped Tight

E | 44k | @afirethatcannotdie

“What am I looking at here?” Harry asks.

“This, my friends, is a ‘proof’ Instagram account, run by your students,” Liam announces.

“It’s got all this stuff about how the two of you are together,” Niall adds.

“I heard about that,” says one of the math teachers. “Confiscated a kid’s phone today when they were looking at it. I have to say, the evidence that you’re dating is pretty damning.”

“Really,” Louis says dryly. “Do you think being married for three years might have something to do with it?”

Or the one where Harry and Louis are high school teachers and their students have been playing matchmaker for over a year. Little do they know, Harry and Louis are already married.

love love teacher harry and louis that’s mostly funny fluff with a little angst. just a teeny amount. reminds me of my own experiences with meddling students haha.

*updated 2/16/21*

[shortyisweird9]

'Lonely ghost serie'

Chek and heartache- part III

Tw⚠️:swearing, referring of dark themes such as suicide attempt and mental illness.

The morning rays hit your eyes gently, tangible by their warmth,as you forced yourself from another dream of nothing but blank.

You groaned as your cat,Didi, comes running towards you: purring, meowing and chirping in pure happiness. You knew the reason she does this; your previous cat, Martha or Dildo- your roommate Sergiu called her that because of her dickish attitude with him- used to do this everytime so the little one, Didi, just followed her mother's lead.

Everytime she does that is like a small needle stabs at your heart especially when just 2 weeks passed since Martha died of old age- the black cat was adopted when she was senior, abused and malnourished, your heart knew you couldn't leave her to be laid to rest like a nothing. You adopted her, she bit you and you petted her, she hissed you hugged her, you did everything you could think of to show love even brush her fur with a wet toothbrush end to mimic sweet kisses coming from her mom. The cat soon realized that and started living again. Cautious of your other 3 roommates, cuddly with you.

Anyway, you got sidetracked with reminiscing. You heard your friends in the kitchen, Sabrina throwing away the take out boxes and Sergiu preparing some tea, probably to calm his stomach after all the spicy curry he ate last night.

You fixed the oversized white t-shirt and pull the marine blue shorts out of your bottoms, Didi already waiting you by the door.

You all, Sabrina,Sergiu,Ace and you, live in a quaint apartment, turned from campus housing, right next to one of the malls of the city. It had two small bathrooms, a living room , three petite bedrooms ,a tiny kitchen, a rounded balcony and a hallway. It was much smaller than your family home but it was in a central zone where your family home was outside the city's boundaries. You chose it not only because you wanted to spare your family from driving you to university but also because you needed your freedom, your space. Your parents were very understanding of that.

-Y/n e trează? ( "Is Y/n awake?") Ace asked as he sipped on his black cofee.

Without, he would pretty much be a grumpy hedgehog with spiky tealish mohawk. And who wouldn't love that?

-Nu încă, ah! Uite-o! ("Not yet,ah! There she is") Sabrina exclaimed, getting up to hug you and leaving the smoking tea cup by the window.

"Hello." You said ,voice grungy and eyes shut from the light.

You felt the warm hands of your Arabic friend on your face filled with moles and couple of marks from recently popped pimples, you let yourself be engrossed into it ,the touch starvation you carry like a cross chosing for you.

You hear her laugh, she always had a pretty laugh and a prettier smile . She was the beauty of the group, with big puffy sand yellow curls, brown skin with red undertones and black eyes who glow in pure happiness. She was stunning and a sweetheart with an obsession on the colour red and butterflies.

"Someone is needy." Ace teased.

"Shut up or I will staple those hair triangles on your scalp. "

You wanted to say something better but Sabrina then started massaging your lower face in a circular manner with her thumb. You knew you couldn't do anything anymore except melt.

-Anyway ,unde e Sergiu? ("Anyway, where is Sergiu?")

-Ți-o făcut ceai, cane e pervaz. S-o dus până sus să o ajute pe Florentina.("He made you tea, the cup is on the windowsill. He went upstairs to help Florentina.") He said, taking another sip of his cup.

-Ooooh, Florentina. You two began as Ace shook his head in amusement.

You and Sabrina were known to be ruthless in your teasing of the guitarist with long brown locks and beard.

Florentina was a crush of his, a freshman in the University of Arts who played the violin beautifully. Small,with olive skin, long red hair keept in a 1960s hairstyle and green petite with a triangular shaped face. She was a sweetie with a love for fantasy book ,autumn and ferrets.

-Oh, yeah?

-Dup, iubitul ei se mută cu ea. ("Yup, her boyfriend moves in with her")

-Oh.

Ace sucked in his lip ,his face filled with disappointment just like theirs now.

-That sucks.

-Numai spune,Sabrina.("You don't say,Sabrina")

Just then, the door clicked shut. Sergiu is back, this will be awkward.

-Ce vă uitați așa la mine?("Why are you looking at me like that?")

Neither of them could properly looked into the warm brown eyes of the man whose glow seemed to fade a bit, Sergiu was a stubborn man who shut his feelings deep inside, only through his song you could tell he was suffering. Just like you, I suppose.

-Am auzit...("We heard...")

You bit your lips as your long fingers played with each other, twisting and tugging while your nerves grew. Last thing you wanted was another fight where you all force the man to open up. He had suicidal tendencies, sometimes he came too close to actually do it but you were there and you needed to be there now too, even if he doesn't like being taking care of.

Sergiu rolled his eyes at you, his heart hurt from how rigid your posture was, eyes were worried about him but also scared, teeth grinding themselves not out of anger but out of care and fear.

He knew you hated arguments and shouts with dying passion. You always cried when someone raised their voice in less than friendly manner, you hated this reaction of complete terror, you hated looking weak but now you hated letting your friend burn himself because of an unfortunate love triangle. So you swallowed your nerves and braved on, it's about him ,not you.

Sergiu wanted to protect you all from this negativity, especially you and Ace. You had a big event to organise , Ace's sex reassignment surgery is coming up soon. You both have your own problems to dwell ,you didn't need to have him as one too.

However somewhere in his head, a voice telling him that he was wrong ,that voice that took the shape of you in the night of July.

You were crying, your grey hoodie wet from the rain as you cling desperately to him, not daring to move.

He was the reason why you crying, why you yelled profanities our of worry for what he was about to do. He...He tried to throw himself off a bridge ,the same bridge you two first shared your kiss.

That dark episode still irked your minds in the darker moments, late in the night nothing but your mind to keep you company and that's torture in itself.

You thought you could help him, change whatever hurts him and make it go away. That was your biggest mistake, you can't change a person that's not your duty , your duty was to support them through tough times and help them see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. A duty you solemnly swore to uphold even if he didn't liked you to. There's no fucking way you let him do that again,not if you can be there for him. Like he was always there for you, your big guardian with a guitar that spews flames in shape of songs.

-Y/n..

-Te rog, Sergiu. Nu ascunde. ("Please, Sergiu. Don't hide.")

Your eyes were desperate for him to talk it out in any shape or form. They implore for him to vent, to not hid between fake lies like " I am okay" or "I'm fine."

-Bine,bine. Tu ești șefa. ("Fine,fine. You're the boss.")

————————————————————

They talked and talked and cried and laughed and cried again. A never ending circle of venting ,small earthquakes which instead of fracturing the friendship , it onlyakes it stronger as it should.

-Te simți mai bine?("You feeling better?") Your voice ran timidly on the top of your apartment building, watching over the brutalist styled architecture.

-Un pic, doare știi dar asta îmi arată cât de îndrăgostit sunt de ea. Iubirea adevărată pentru mine nu se referă doar la a iubi doar dacă te iubește reciproc, nu , să iubești fără să forțezi persoană să te iubească înapoi. Să îi porți de grijă, să o protejezi, să o ajuți fără să fi un egoist, fără să te aștepți să fi iubit înapoi. ("A little, it hurts you know but this shows how much I love her. True love for me doesn't mean to love just so they will love you back, no, to love someone without forcing them to love you back. To care for them, to protect them, to help them without being an egotistic, to love without expecting to be loved back.")

-Poetic.

He laughed at that , starring at the setting sun ,his lit cigar forgotten fumed between his painted fingers. His hair blown gently by the wind , he looked like a masterpiece.

-Scuze..pentru tot.("Sorry...for everything. ")

-N-ai de ce. Mi-ai făcut chec până la urmă așa că balanța eternă este restabilită.("You don't have a reason to be. You made me chek in the end and thus the eternal balance is restored.") You joked, munching quietly on the piece of cake, his jacket keeping you warm.

-Haha. Cine ar fi crezut că checul are fi o gustare bună când îți dai vent.("Haha. Who would have thought that chek will be a good snack when you vent.")

Indeed, who would have thought of that but one who cried in the sore days filled with heart ache.

————————————————————

Hey,guys!💖

Hope you like the third part of the serie, I wanted to focus on "your life" and your friends backgrounds this time. The translations are not 100% word to word but enought to give you context.

Anyway, I hope you like it. Stay safe!

Tagged 💗💗:@moolujk @gaysludge @simonsbluee @yoyoanaria @cherry-piee @magenta-skyline @yikesyikesyikes95

[ronnie-azumane]

Kitten?

This is something I came up with at midnight while trying to complete my numerous missing assignments. I apologize in advance

Summary: Tsukishima Kei is a mod of a discord server And with his luck, he finds his first love on the server he runs. He falls head over heels, and vows to fulfill all her needs. However, not everything is what it seems.

Tsukishima was a simple man with simple likes. Granted, However, these likes weren’t as commonplace among his peers.

Sure, he moderated a Discord Server full of people of all ages. In said server, they would play games and talk about the various shows they watched together, some of which were considered children shows.

“Anyone catch the new episode of My Little Pony?” someone on the server would ask.

Tsukishima would bat in immediately, saying, “Remember the two-week spoiler warning, everything else must be covered and properly tagged.” He was the perfect mod, as he was both online all the time he didn’t have school or practice, as well as he was a stickler for the rules. Plus, he had only recently gained access to last week’s episode not long ago, therefore, he had not seen the new episode.

Another thing he liked to do on this server was talk to others on the voice call feature. He enjoyed talking to the many people who decided to join the server, even making a couple of friends, which he refused to believe for the longest time.

One of these many friends was a user that went by the name of gamergirl05. She was a peculiar person, only logging in late at night and logging out early in the morning, only to be away from her computer until late that night again.

She intrigued Tsukishima. Not only was she one of the only girls on the server, she always seemed to be on the voice chat. She never typed messages, never spoke, unless she was spoken to on the voice call. 

Her voice was soft and breathy, with a medium pitch. Her profile picture was a white cartoon cat against a pastel pink background. Sometimes, when playing videogames, you could here her grunt in frustration every once in a while.

Tsukishima couldn’t help from gaining a crush. 

She didn’t seem clingy, she seemed rather chill and independent, it was like God itself sent this woman into Tsukishima’s life. 

She was perfect.

Tsukishima couldn’t help but get excited whenever he saw that she was online. He would always join the voice call whenever he saw she was online.

They would have meaningful conversation. Tsukishima would learn much about her. She was living in Tokyo. She was a year older than Tsukishima; a second year in high school. She had been playing videogames for as long as she could remember. She has an overactive imagination, pretending that she was getting chased by dragons and facing checkpoints every time she walked to school in the morning. She wasn’t popular, but had a couple of close knit friends.

The more they talked, the more Tsukishima fell head over heels. However, the more he started to fall for her, the more he realized that he didn’t know how to express himself in a positive way. He was known as a negative nelly most of his life, with his relationship with the fellow members of the Karasuno volleyball club solidifying that feeling of disgust he felt toward others. Ever with his best friend Yamaguchi he was unable to show positive feelings toward, even though he didn’t feel anything negative toward his best friend.

Unknowing what to do, he looked up online ‘how to show someone you like them,’ only to come up with a website offering a free test to those wondering what their love language was. perfect.

Tsukishima took the test, answering each question as truthfully as he could, even asking his mom what she thought of him for one of the questions.

After thirty minutes of reading, understanding, and clicking, Tsukishima gat the result he was looking for- his love language.

His love language was gift-giving.

He knew exactly what to do at that point. 

Later that night, he stared at the voice call box, waiting for a certain someone to join the call. At 11:00pm on the dot, gamergirl05 joined the call. Tsukishima joined the call soon after.

“Um, hey, uh, how was your day?” Tsukishima asked her.

“My day? I guess it was okay,” she replied. Her voice was still light and breathy as usual. Not too high-pitched as to make Tsukishima believe that she was fake, and not to low to make her sound unattractive to him. The perfect voice for arguably the perfect human.

“Do you have Nitro by any chance?” Tsukishima asked her.

“No, I don’t see the benefit for paying for it myself,” she replied.

“If someone got it for you, would you use it?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not.”

“I-I Don’t mid gifting it to you, if you tell me your Venmo, Ill send the money right now!”

“Ok.” 

She read off a couple of letters and numbers, spelling out her Venmo for him to gift money to. Tsukishima used his mom’s credit card to send her over $50, with the unspoken promise of paying her back one day, even though she didn’t even know her youngest son stole her card.

They talked the rest of the night, until Tsukishima had to go to bed.

XxX

Tsukishima didn’t let up on his gifts to gamergirl05, or Cat as she started referring herself to. Anything she mentioned offhandedly form a new skin to a longing for a fast food meal, Tsukishima sent her the appropriate funds needed to retrieve that item. 

Each monetary gift he sent on Venmo was given a reply of the kissing face emoji.

Tsukishima was over the moon. Not only was he becoming better at volleyball every day after school, but he was also getting closer and closer to Cat. When he found out that he was going to Tokyo for a training camp, he excitedly went online that night to tell cat about how he was going to be in Tokyo and that maybe they could meet up.

“Sorry, but I have plans for that weekend,” Cat said. Tsukishima sighed, but figured as much. He was disappointed, but not surprised.

However, he picked himself up by the bootstraps and packed up his stuff to go to Tokyo for the training camp.

XxX

The weekend was tough. Karasuno faced loss after loss against the Tokyo powerhouse schools. However, the team had learned a lot about both themselves and their offensive and defensive power.

After a long weekend of training, all the guys were sore. All their muscles were aching and screaming, begging for some relief.  The coaches complied, supplying all the players with all the watermelon they could eat.

All the players gathered into groups, talking within each other’s friend groups. Tsukishima kept his distance from the others, with Yamaguchi joining in with them. They talked about various topics here and there, but nothing too serious.

Tsukishima was starting to zone out, thinking about Cat, and what she may or may not be doing. He hated to admit it, but he was head over heels in love, even though he had never seen Cat in a picture, much less in person.

While Tsukishima was zoning out, thinking of his unofficial lover, Hinata, Kenma, and Lev gathered nearby, talking loudly about who knows what. Tsukishima wasn’t paying attention, until the topic of discord came up. All his focus then went into listening in on this conversation.

“So you guys are on discord? What servers are you guys in?” Hinata asked.

“Not too many, I bet Kenma’s on a couple though,” Lev replied, only for Kenma to grunt in reply.

“Oh really! What servers are you on, Kenma?”

“Ehh, just a couple here and there. I frequent a My Little Pony server because a mod there gives me money a lot.”

Tsukishima felt a shock run throughout his body. A My Little Pony server? Maybe he was on the same server as him. He would never bring it up, but he was glad to know someone on the server; talking to 12-year-olds all day did get old.

“Wait, someone pays you to be on a My Little Pony server?” Lev asked.

“No, I think he is somehow attracted to me, every time I mention something I want, he sends me money.” Kenma replied, taking a massive bite out of his watermelon slice.

‘That’s kind of odd, who would give money like that to a guy like Kenma?’ Tsukishima thought.

“How did you do that, Kenma? I could sure use the extra cash,” Hinata asked.

“Well, Kuroo taught me to raise my voice like this to sound like some kind of gamer girl,” Kenma explained in a girly voice. Not too high to sound fake, not too low to sound unattractive. Perfect.

Just like Cat.

‘This has to be a coincidence, there’s no way that Kenma and Cat are the same person’ Tsukishima desperately thought. 

“Oh, do you guys want to be friends on Discord, so we can keep in contact?” Hinata asked.

“I guess. I’m gamergirl05#0000,” Kenma replied, essentially murdering Tsukishima with his response.

Tsukishima stood up from where he was sitting. Forgetting the fact that he was still supposed to be in a conversation with Yamaguchi, he left the area, trying to find a secluded area, eventually settling for a small ally in between two of the gyms.

Once making sure he couldn’t be seen, he let all his held-in emotions out. He screamed up to the sky as the threw his watermelon rind against the wall, watching it break into numerous pieces. 

“My Heart!” he screamed out, “I loved her!” He sank to the ground and let the tears flow. As he wailed out in despair, he covered his face with one hand while knocking his fist against the grass with his other.

Yamaguchi, who saw this all go down, ran up to go comfort his best friend. He didn’t know what was going on, other than the fact that his best friend was a mess on the floor.

How was Tsukishima going to tell his mom, who was already suspicious of him stealing her credit cards, that the money wasn’t being spent on her future Daughter in law? How was he going to log back in on the server, knowing he was cat fished?

He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. All he knew at that moment was the soft an warm hand of Yamaguchi softly rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down.

[plantfeline]

writerly ephemera (tag game)

i was tagged by @wolfbuck + the idea is for authors to put five examples of times in their writing where it shows little pieces of themselves + their lives and explain the personal meaning behind it!!

thank u eli for tagging me, this is such a lovely ask game!

1 - from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

He wants to sit up, but trying alone is going to be a fucking nightmare. He readies himself then rolls to his side in one movement. Pain shoots through his abdomen. Fucking. Breath, Remus. Breath. His usual go to for getting himself up a bad pain day is to roll onto his front and push up from there. This is. Pretty bad though, and he thought he’d probably made a grave mistake attempting it.

so i have a chronic illness/disability that causes lots of weird bone/muscle/nerve pain. and its never really. reasonable and it never really makes any sense and its. incredibly difficult. and so when writing remus in this fic i tried to kind of have the pain as a constant background, seperate to the pain he was feeling like. emotionally. because that's what its like for me. it was a super interesting exercise to like. artfully describe some of the pain he's in and just. be describing my own pain at that exact moment. i could probably go on about lycanthropy causing chronic pain for like. ever.

2. also from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

The coffee table was piled with built up grot, stuff that’d never been tidied. One wrong bump and it would all come tumbling down. It’d been months since anyone had had the time to care about that stuff.

okay this one is a bit funny. when imagining remus and sirius' flat post hogwarts, a lot of my personal experience living in places that range from crappy to straight up dangerous + scary come into how i see it. this one specifically is based on the place i lived straight after school, where we had a sun room we used for smoking and sitting around doing fuck all mostly. and it was . fucking feral constantly and one of my favourite hobbies was taking all the stuff on the coffee table and making it into like. a balancing sculpture of rubbish. very fun would reccomend.

3. another one from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet (can u tell im obsessed w/ this fic?)

There were spots of black mould travelling up where the wall met the shower door. It seemed to crawl and swell in its path, creating strange patterns in Remus’ vision. He blinked trying to focus properly. Still it crept, all consuming.

when i was around 16/17 i was struggling with pretty severe mental health issues, that involved sometimes having episodes involving things moving around on the walls specifically. it wasnt great obviously. Though i find including the experience of things moving around on a wall that you cant really get rid of really powerful for showing where someone's at in my work.

4. from tumble to the ground

He couldn’t imagine anything more ridiculous, or more fun, he could be doing. Remus hadn’t really ever had any friends to do stuff like this with before coming to school. (...) The feeling now of pulling a real joke; causing proper trouble, was exhilarating. His heart was going a million miles an hour, and he kept sneaking looks to the boys either side, fighting to keep from laughing. It was completely absurd. Remus loved it.

god this fic was so fun to write! the exhilaration he felt doing something with his new friends, feeling included for the first time really is based on my experiences of being an autistic kid who struggled w/ like. understanding how to be friends with someone. so when i ended up with people who were as excited to have me there as i was to be there it was like. the most incredible thing. and thats kind of the point of this whole fic is to show remus, who had never had other kids to muck around with, finally getting to be involved and included. warms my heart. very special to me.

5. thought u were done being bombarded with this fic? no. another one from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

There is a doe, split open at the chest. Her torso is heaving. Remus can see her lungs sunken inside her cracked ribs. Blood, so dark it is almost black, is pooling where she lies.

so ive always been completely insane over the idea of like. open chests with exposed ribs. its like when u feel so so heavy and full of rage or grief or something and you want to rip ur chest open. lots of my non-fan work (writing and art both) centers around this feeling bc like. i used to have a lot of difficulties regulating my emotions and like. that was what most of my feelings turned into. like hello i want to rip my chest open etc. writing this was super cathartic to kind of fictionalise it. and also since im much better at handling things now its fun to use like. my personal motifs.

[shes-fast-like-me]

i know how much it matters to you

i know how much it matters to you

AO3 Link

Pairing(s): Established Lifetane, Gibby x his boyfriend

Word Count: 1,791

Warnings: Mentions of childhood neglect and bad parents, discussion of mental illness and trauma, alcohol. (Tell me if you feel anything else should be tagged!)

may was borderline personality disorder awareness month (alongside being adhd awareness and mental health awareness month in general) so i decided to project onto my fave. the symptoms of it aren’t 100% being portrayed here but this is something i feel like a lot of us relate to so?? idk man emotional impermanence be like that

=+=+=+=

"Here comes the big man himself!" Elliott called, twisting around in his seat to wave Makoa over to sit with them in the living space.

"Show us the ring!" Ajay beamed as the tall man made his way over to the other Legends gathered around their small makeshift coffee table. He held out his hand, a rather dainty bejeweled silver ring on his ring finger. Everyone cooed over it.

"You're so lucky, man," Elliott said, handing Makoa a beer as he sat down on the couch next to him, "congrats."

"Aye, thanks bruddahs," Makoa grinned from ear to ear. The man was always bright and full of smiles but Octavio swore he has never seen him this happy. He was almost radiant.

"When's the weddin'?" Ajay asked, sitting back against Octavio's side and sipping on her mocktail. She always hated alcohol so the drink was as fruity and non-alcoholic as Elliott could possibly mix up.

"Spring of next year," Makoa said, "We want some time on our honeymoon before the next season, so,"

Everyone nodded in agreement. The season breaks between spring and summer were a little longer than the autumn to winter breaks and since Makoa was proposed to this spring it gave them extra time to plan everything. Makoa and his fiancé had relatives all over the Frontier and would probably want to plan the wedding at a time when the most family members could attend. And the other Legends, of course.

"So," Octavio set his empty cocktail glass down and picked up a can of beer off the table. He could get a little drunk, it was only their first night back onto the dropship, the new season kicking off in two days. "Any idea for wedding gifts?"

He was loaded. He could afford pretty much anything they wanted.

"Ah, no, it's no problem, bruddah-"

"No, no, I insist," He decided to pour the beer into his empty glass anyway, not wanting to waste the ice cubes still sitting at the bottom, "anything you like, I got it."

Makoa laughed. "Just you showing up is enough for me."

"Alright," Octavio sat down into the headrest but still decided he was going to buy Makoa and his fiancé something anyway. After all, that's what you do at weddings, right? Octavio has been to many weddings before, many of them being his own father's, and the couple was always gifted a fancy car or yacht or something of the sort.

He mostly just tuned out the rest of the conversation. Talk of weddings always reminded him of his dad and how weddings were a near weekly occurance for him. He wanted to go for Makoa's sake, of course, and he would force himself to even if Ajay told him it was okay to stay home if it got too overwhelming. He'd just get blackout drunk at the party and probably just dissociate the whole evening, but he was willing to do that for his friend.

Later that evening, Octavio lay on Ajay's bed as they watched anime together on the small holo-TV provided in their temporary rooms. Octavio buried his face into Ajay's pink hair as they spooned, his arm around her waist. He would've fallen asleep if his anxiety wasn't keeping him up. If he had his legs on right now they'd be tapping away furiously, probably disturbing Ajay from watching the show altogether. Octavio kinda missed tapping his feet, he couldn't sleep without moving them and now that he didn't have them he'd imagine the sensation, like a ghost, and get sad whenever he realized it wasn't real. But that's such a small thing to get upset about.

His fingers grazed against the skin showing between Ajay's t-shirt and her sweatpants, tapping on the waistband as he worked up the courage to ask a question that has been itching at his brain all evening.

"Baby?" he said, uncertain of how to begin. She looked at him over her shoulder. "Have you ever thought.... about marriage?"

Instantly he cringed at the phrasing and tried to fix it. "I mean, not to me, necessarily. I'm just wondering- If you ever want to get married?"

She looked back towards the TV with a smile. "Depends who's askin'," she replied simply, "not at the moment though, I'm too busy. But it would be nice in the future."

Octavio bit his lip and really had the urge to tap his missing feet. The fear ached in his chest and he could feel his hands sweating. "I don't think I wanna get married," he said it quickly, almost afraid to hear her reaction. Verbally retracting as if he expected her to hit him or something. Why was that his instinctual reaction? No one ever hit him for speaking out.

She looked down at his hand and lightly brushed her fingers over his knuckles. "That's fine," she said but he couldn't pick up the tone. It made it feel worse. Was she upset? Was she hoping for a different answer?

"It's not," it took all his strength not to let his voice crack, assuming that she wasn’t satisfied with his answer. She turned to look at him properly. He tried to blink away the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Babe, it's all fine. We don't have to get married. You don't have to get married, ever, if that's what makes you comfortable."

"But I want to," he said, voice trembling. "I want to make you happy if that’s what you want."

"I don't need marriage to be happy in life." She held his hand comfortingly and traced circles into it. "Besides, who says I'm gon' marry you?" She joked and he loved the way her nose scrunched up when she smiled at him. It lifted some of the weight off his chest and he smiled at the joke despite the tears.

"Okay," he swallowed and wiped the tears from his eyes, his fingers shaking.

"It's alright," she pushed the hair out of his eyes. He admired all the freckles dotting her skin. If Ajay let him stare at her for a while he could count them and maybe calm down a little bit, but that'd be weird of him to ask.

He let out a breath, "it's just," the tears were back but the tension of holding them in and bottling everything up was gone, "I don't want to be like my father."

"You're not." She whispered and studied his face as he continued.

"I don't wanna have kids and have them go through the same shit I did." Tears spilled from his eyes and down the sides of his cheeks. It hurt to think about treating his kids the way he was treated. He didn't even think his childhood had affected him that much until now. But it did, it hurt, it hurt to be ignored your whole life and live with no constants. He was constantly scared of everyone abandoning him, of things being taken away from him. Everything was so temporary to him, even Ajay. What if they got married and one day she decided she didn't love him anymore? How would he even handle something like that? He'd be crushed.

"You're not ya father," Ajay said calmly, bringing his hand up to her lips and kissing his knuckles, "and I've seen ya with my li'l cousins. You'd be a great dad. You said yaself you'd never want to hurt them the way your dad did, so you won't. Not intentionally."

"Do you think my father intended to hurt me?" He asked, his tone a little more passionate than he had intended it to be. "Obviously it was out of his control how I would react to-"

"Tavi, he did awful things to ya. You're allowed to be upset about it."

"But if I don't make excuses for him, how can I excuse my own shitty actions?" He covered his face and dug his palms into his eye sockets, blocking her out from his blurry view. "I'm even worse." His voice broke.

"You're not. You're ill. Ya just need some time and help to get things right. You're taking those steps. Your father never even considered that. That's what makes ya better than him."

It's true, he did have a therapist now, trying to help him manage the many disorders and issues he got stuck with. And he was trying so hard to be better, but it all felt so useless sometimes when he kept acting like this, being like this. Whenever he relapsed, whenever he split on someone, whenever he acted out or isolated or dissociated or cried. He always felt like he was taking steps backwards, not forwards.

"Listen, I know recovery's not easy for ya," she tapped her fingers on his chest and he moved his hands from his face to look at her as she spoke. "But you're pushin’ through it regardless. And I'm gon' be here for ya all the way through it, ya hear me? I'm not goin’ anywhere."

"Everyone says that." He sniffled.

"Yeah, well, I mean it," she said, "and I'll promise this to ya, that I won't leave ya alone no matter how hard it gets." She looked directly into his eyes, her soft voice calming his thoughts.

"Here," she said and took a beaded bracelet off her wrist. It was one of those kandi bracelets she sometimes wore, this one pink and purple with the word "LOVE" spelled out on it. "It's a promise." She held it out to him.

He looked at her hand, puzzled.

"It's like a promise ring. It should make ya feel better to have a physical representation of my promise to ya. I read that it helps with BPD to-"

He sat up and hugged her. "Thank you," he murmured into her shoulder. She pat his back and when they released each other he took the bracelet and put it on his wrist. "Thank you, " he breathed out again.

"Ya welcome." She smiled softly and honestly, her smile momentarily lit up the room. He was so lucky to have her.

"Now, can we finish the show? This next episode's the best one." She gestured with the remote to the paused screen. He hadn't even noticed when she paused it to speak to him. He smiled and nodded, laying back down on his side, her snuggling into him as she pressed 'play'.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the evening." He apologized.

"Ya didn't. I still love ya." She said and took his hand in hers, their fingers intertwined.

And after watching that magical girl show and breathing in her flowery perfume, Octavio finally found himself able to peacefully drift off to sleep for the night.

=+=+=+=

Taglist: @herondaleatheart @brontophile @moontearchild @soulheartthewolf @hey-its-mika @xbeaxbeax (You may always ask to be added or taken off the list! Being on the taglist notifies you of whenever I post a fic so if you are interested, please message me!)

[15001700tt]

Descendants of The Moon

Descendants of the Moon Masterlist

Tag list: @chastja  @multi-fan-trash @serpentityx @syublush @laadychat @whoissheff Dm me if you want to be on the tag list!

Word Count: 5,154

Key: Italics- things that happened in the drama but do not old any importance to the story line

Key: Bold- Dialogue said in the Drama

Getting Caught and Catching A Virus

Episode 10:

Captain Yoo doesn’t respond to Dae Young’s radio calls so they head to where they are, but by then Agus and his men have left. Shi Jin summarized what happened. Fatima is a girl that was going to get sold today and she managed to shoot Agus from behind, Mo Yeon was able to remove the bullet and they left but Captain Yoo doubted this would be the last time they would meet. The soldiers help the children to get into the truck and back to the field hospital to get treated.

Once they’re back, Mo Yeon helps the doctors test and treat the infected children. Doctor Sang and Nurse Ha were treating one kid while Mo Yeon looked at the X-rays. 

“I see signs of pneumonia,” she told Sang Hyun. 

“We’ll take it from here, go wash up,” Sang Hyun told Mo Yeon. she nodded and went to the water basin and started scrubbing her hands. She was so distracted she didn't notice Yoo Ji approaching her.

“Are the children vaccinated?” Yoo Ji asked, her eyes not focusing, but it was subtle. Mo Yeon didn't catch it. Mo Yeon was snapped back to reality when she turned to respond but was taken off guard by the strong smell of alcohol.

“Have you been drinking?” she squinted her eyes at her friend, who in return shrugged.

“A little” Yoo Ji responded, her words slurring together. 

“I won’t even ask where you got the booze but why are you drinking now?” Mo Yeon thought Yoo Ji was doing so well staying sober or at least not abusing her alcohol allowance.

“Gwang Nam is being an ass,” Yoo Ji muttered. 

“He seems pretty nice to me” Mo Yeon scrubbed her hands harder. 

“It's a facade, why do you have blood on your hands?” Yoo Ji slurred, but her gaze didn't falter from Mo Yeon’s hands. Mo Yeon sighed, she didn't know how to explain what happened in the last few hours to her friend.

“I’ll explain later when you’re sober” Mo Yeon chose the easy way out.

“So what happened with First Sergeant Lim?”

“He keeps digging information about the Kim Hoon Jae case” Yoo Ji picked at the loose hem of her shirt.

“He won’t let it go, and I have no idea how to distract him enough that he forgets about it” she huffed.

“You still have the nightmares?” Mo Yeon asked that case affected Yoo Ji the most out of all her work. What she had gone through, changed her so much, sometimes Mo Yeon can barely recognize her friend. Mo Yeon knows the kind of psychological damage that Yoo Ji endured because of her involvement, she recommended multiple psychiatrists to Yoo Ji but she never confirms nor denies whether she actually goes or not. Yoo Ji nodded.

“I think it's good to tell him about it, maybe actually help you feel lighter. Holding it in isn’t going to make anyone feel any better,” Mo Yeon tried to recommend. Mo Yeon wiped her hands on the cloth towel by the sink, Yoo Ji shook her head, her face was red from the alcohol. Mo Yeon’s eyes were drawn to behind Yoo Ji to the moving figure behind them. 

“Doctor Kang! The girl you brought with you says that she’s leaving. What should I do?” Nurse Choi’s concerned voice sounded out, her eyes drawn to the drunk girl beside Mo Yeon.

“Are you drunk?” she asked Yoo Ji with surprise, Yoo Ji smiled cheekily and gave her a smile.

“Shhh, don’t tell anybody” she hushed Nurse Choi. 

“Take her back to her room and I’ll handle the kid,” Mo Yeon told Min Ji and nodded at Yoo Ji who was dozing off. Min Ji nodded and guided Yoo Ji away from the Medi-Cube. 

“I can walk” Yoo Ji shrugged Min Ji’s hand. Halfway through they ran into a few soldiers. Min Ji bowed and excused themselves before Yoo Ji made a fool of herself. Gwang Nam was one of the soldiers they passed. He paused and looked back.

“Yoo Ji?” he asked with uncertainty. Yoo Ji looked drunk, her cheeks red, and her eyes were unfocused 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out” she responded with a goofy chuckle. 

Gwang Nam told the soldiers to go ahead and he’ll see them inside. He came closer to the two girls. 

“Please don’t tell anyone, if someone knows she might get fired.” Min Ji excused.

“It’s ok, I’ll take her back, you can go back to the Medi-Cube” Gwang Nam smiled at the nurse who nodded and left.

“Aw, everyone is leaving me tonight” Yoo Ji huffed and pouted. 

“I haven’t, but you’re pushing me away” Gwang Nam took her shoulders and steadied her as she started swaying.

“And you’re driving me crazy” she responded. Gwang Nam looked at her hard, it was throwing him off how she can be so drunk that she can’t walk properly but can hold a conversation just fine.

“Why won’t you tell me anything about yourself or your work?” Gwang Nam tried again.

“Because it’s not as exciting as I want you to think” Yoo Ji pointed her finger at his nose, her eyes glistening and unfocused. 

“Besides, it’s not like you’re telling me anything either” Yoo Ji slurred. 

“This is a different situation” Gwang Nam refuted, “you’re a reporter, isn’t everything out for the public?” he continued.

“Indeed, but not my personal psychological problems, I’d like to keep those private” Yoo Ji responded rolling her eyes.

“Just what are you hiding?” Gwang Nam’s curiosity filled him but he couldn’t get more out of Yoo Ji because right after her head hit his shoulder and her soft breathing evened out. 

Gwang Nam sighed again, she’s proving to be more work as they get to know each other more. He looked at her face that seemed so peaceful. He wondered if something happened that made her so wary of everyone around her. He reached the bunker and laid her down. He covered her and left her to sleep for the rest of the night. He glanced at the empty whiskey bottle by her bed and put it in the trash, just in case someone decided to look for Yoo Ji in her room.

Gwang Nam made his way to the Medi Cube, at this point he’ll miss the meeting but he’ll talk with Captain Yoo about it later. Gwang Nam was going to find out what happened with Kim Hoon Jae that Yoo Ji is being more resistant to giving information. Well, more than she already is but he knows sometimes she does that to annoy him and remind him that he’s also withholding information about his job too.

He found both First Lieutenant Yoon and Doctor Kang stocking up the cabinets in the Medi-Cube. They were talking about Myung Ju’s trip to the village to treat the remaining kids. It looked like Mo Yeon was ready to leave but halted when she saw Gwang Nam coming to them.

“Power of unity” Gwang Nam saluted Myung Ju and she nodded at him. 

“Did you need something?” Doctor Kang asked.

“Uh yes, I was curious about something” Gwang Nam started, turning to Mo Yeon. Mo Yeon raised an eyebrow, she knew he was with Yoo Ji and was bugging her about the Kim Hoon Jae case. She stared at his face and tried to see if he had any ill intentions, she knows Yoo Ji won’t ever tell him about what happened when she was on that case, but that doesn’t mean Mo Yeon won’t tell him the basics. He needs to stop bringing it up and just accept it.

“Yoo Ji was involved in the serial killer case of Kim Hoon Jae, she won’t let me ask about it” he continued looking uncomfortable, “I wanted to know if it had affected her in any way”.

“Mun Yoo Ji was involved in that case?” Myung Ju’s surprised tone told Mo Yeon that she didn't know any of this either.

“It was a very complicated case, he was on the loose and had killed so many girls and the detectives had no idea how to find him, his killings were irregular, he didn't have a pattern or a connection to his victims” Mo Yeon started leaning against the shelf lightly. 

“But he was found because of his medical records, right? I heard about it on the news, it was very impressive” Myung Ju commented. 

“It was Yoo Ji that was able to tip the police of his location, she looked up his medical records and his file from the police department, she was able to find the exact bar he hung out at because he had Hodgkin's lymphoma-” Mo Yeon was cut off by Gwang Nam.

“And the bar he hung out at was the only one in the area that had two separate bars with virgin drinks, yeah, I know that part but was she ever involved in the arrest or came in contact with him?” Gwang Nam asked but Mo Yeon knew that he would come to realize that Yoo Ji is psychologically hurt from that case.

“I only know some of what happened, not everything but yes, she was involved in the arrest,” she answered.

“Wait, didn't Kim Hoon Jae break out of prison and kidnap someone” Myung Ju’s eyes widened as she started putting the pieces together. 

“Yoo Ji’s connection to the major media channels was able to leave her name out of the news, but yeah, she was the one that was kidnapped by him. He had her for two weeks, he psychologically and physically abused her,” Mo Yeon told them. Gwang Nam held his breath, he didn't know it was this serious.

“Her need for information is just something that helps ease her anxiety, because when she was with him, he seemed to know everything about her life, like he was there when it happened, and that broke her. Yoo Ji is not the kind to feel helpless often and this one really did a number” Mo Yeon informed them of the severity. Myung Ju and Gwang Nam made eye contact. With Gwang Nam’s line of work, he may never be able to tell her the entire truth. 

“But this need for information is destroying her from the inside out, it’s not healthy and she often has insomnia because her brain is going haywire with so much information, and the nightmares,” Mo Yeon told them. 

“I feel like a jerk now because of what I said” Myung Ju sighed. 

“You can’t take it back, Yoo Ji will know that I told you and will get pissed off” Mo Yeon informed her.

“She doesn’t want people to know because if they do they might change how they act around her, she doesn’t want to be tiptoed around or get any pity” Mo Yeon explained Yoo Ji’s thought process.

“She’ll know I told you tonight, and she’ll be pissed off. Don’t let it put you off though, it’s her way of testing you” Mo Yeon told Gwang Nam, she picked up her stuff and bid them good night. Gwang Nam sighed and leaned against the wall. Just as he thought things were getting easier.

“Regretting asking about it?” Myung Ju asked him.

“No, but I thought she was messing with me, I didn't think it was something this serious” his tired and defeated voice responded. 

“You should’ve known from the moment she kicked the crap out of the thugs at the hospital; she’s not normal, none of us are” Myung Ju finished off, and smiled at him sympathetically, she told him good night and left him alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------

-The Next Morning-

Dae Young and Myung Ju went to the village but they found it completely deserted, so they came back, Mo Yeon and Shi Jin were having a moment *the hair tying* and then the packages from Korea came. At this point in their morning/afternoon, Yoo Ji woke up with a hangover and drank coffee, and moved on with her day, a hangover was not stopping her from doing her usual routine. 

She heard the packages had arrived so she went to see if she got anything, she noticed a box with lots of hearts and the names of the Captain and his Deputy leader on it and knew that they were in deep shit. So she hung out near the corner of the room to watch the show.

“Sergeant First Class Seo, there's a package from someone named Shin Ji Young.” Mo Yeon radioed Dae Young, which made Yoo Ji choke on her laugh, Myung Ju should be coming any minute now.

“Where are you now?” his voice was serious yet panicked.

“In the kitchen” Mo Yeon responded. Almost five seconds later, Myung Ju came bursting through the door and grabbed the box from Mo Yeon’s hands.

“Oh! That surprised me.” Mo Yeon squeaked

 “I'm going to have to inspect this real quick.” Myung Ju glared at the box. Myung Ju read the messages written on the box, each sentence growing angrier.

“Does Dae Young have a younger sister?” Mo Yeon asked curiously.

“Dae Young is an only child!”

“That shouldn’t be my fault” Mo Yeon defended. Myung Ju huffed and ripped open the package and got out the envelope, it seemed like there was a picture in there because Mo Yeon got closer to Myung Ju to get a closer look and squinted her eyes.

“Omo, why is Shi Jin here?” Yoo Ji silently laughed, looking at those two jealous fools. 

“The day we met Shi Jin Oppa. We send our memories to you.” Mo Yeon read out loud.

“First Lieutenant Yoon, bring your gun.” Mo Yeon looked murderous, it made Yoo Ji crinkle her eyes more, just to stop herself from making any noise.

“It’s a misunderstanding” Shi Jin and Dae young came barreling in, probably ran all the way here from where they were.

Yoo Ji watched as they tried to explain the package but failed miserably and were digging themselves into bigger holes. Mo Yeon told Shi Jin to follow her leaving Myung Ju and Dae Young alone. As they left Yoo Ji noticed three people behind the wall and she went over and found Woo Geun, Cheol Ho, and Gwang Nam.

“What are you doing?” she murmured, hiding with them

“I was right. It was obvious it was a blind date.” Gwang Nam broke his stare off with Yoo Ji, well it wasn’t really a stare-off, she avoided his gaze.

“You’re talking about the first birthday party of Bravo Team's Sergeant Park's son? They both disappeared right after they gave their presents” Cheol Ho confirmed.

Woo Geun sighed in annoyance and brought out money to pay the bet that he had with Gwang Nam, Yoo Ji smirked, it seemed like Woo Geun was horrible at making winning bets.

“They said that a high school classmate's father had passed away.” Woo Geun scoffed

“It doesn't even make sense that the two of them would have the same classmate.” Gwang Nam told him, they didn't go to school together. Yoo Ji chuckled

“They couldn't even get their story straight with us either.” Cheol Ho smiled. 

“A room full of special forces agents and none of them can lie correctly” Yoo Ji mused, shaking her head. Yoo Ji turned and left them.

“Nurse Choi called Mo Yeon because of an Emergency in the Medi-cube, Yoo Ji made her way there, Sang Hyun and Nurse Ha followed her. Mo Yeon arrived before them.

“The narcotics are gone,” Nurse Choi Min Ji said.

“Who would’ve taken them?” Sang Hyun pondered.

“All the patients are here and nothing else is missing” Nurse Ha stated.

“Not everyone, someone has been missing” Mo Yeon sighed, getting out her radio.

“Has anyone seen Fatima lately?” 

“Come on we need to find Shi Jin” Yoo Ji informed Mo Yeon.

Once they found him, they made their way into town, the bar valentine ran might have information.

“How have you been?” Shi Jin greeted Val, Yoo Ji nodded in acknowledgment at the girl.

“You need something,” Val stated, getting straight to the point.

“Information. A red dress, a 15-year-old girl. She's stealing narcotics.” Shi Jin gave her the basic info. Val shook her head, already refusing his request.

“I keep telling you, we sell everything here except women and information” she reiterated.

“Val please, this is urgent and serious.” Yoo Ji pleaded for her to hear them out.

“You don’t have to, but there must be someone else who could” Shi Jin interrupted.

“Please, she’s only 15 years old,” Shi Jin asked again. Val cleared her throat and looked away, she sighed and rang someone up on her phone.

“Where is the black market for narcotics?”

As soon as they got the location, Yoo Ji paid Val the amount she wanted and they were set on their way. 

“How do we find it?” Mo Yeon asked once they reached the place, there were a bunch of buildings that looked run down and were on the verge of collapsing. They didn't wait long until they heard a girl scream. They ran over to the sound.

“Son of a bitch! were you lying to me this whole time?” Fatima asked angrily.

“No, Fatima you trusted me too much, now follow me before I beat you harder,” the boy said as he held Fatima by her hair.

“Stop! Don’t touch her” Yoo Ji shouted at the boy. 

“Is he a soldier?”  one of the boys asked, Yoo Ji sighed.

“Your uniform is always bringing us trouble” she Sighed as she looked at the boys pulling out their weapons.

“Don’t worry, we have more weapons than him,” the leader, Yoo Ji assumed, said.

“I hope you weren’t looking for us” he continued with a smirk on his face as all three of them put their hands up in surrender.

“More guns? Why are there guns every day? What kind of country is this?” Mo Yeon whined as she felt fear penetrate her, Yoo Ji chuckled.

“It's because you both ran in with no plan,” Shi Jin told her.

“If we came later, she might’ve been hurt more” Mo Yeon refuted. Yoo Ji is still making eye contact with the leader.

“Yes, good job because Fatima will be fine while we get shot at” Shi Jin’s sarcastic voice was lowered but Yoo Ji still heard him. 

“What are they saying?” one of the goons, asked.

“Who cares? Put your gun down if you don't want to die” the leader told the captain.

“What the hell are we going to do now?” Mo Yeon asked.

“Well, it isn't like there isn't a way” Shi Jin said as he evaluated the situation.

“Seven guns. Mun Yoo Ji takes the right side. I'll take the left side.” he joked, Yoo Ji nodded.

“Don't be scared,” he whispered to Mo Yeon. 

“I hope you were serious” Yoo Ji gritted her teeth readying herself to fight with speed she never used to beat the boys with machines that can kill her in twenty seconds.

“Let’s see if you're really made of what you say you are,” Shi Jin said to Yoo Ji with a chuckle.

“Okay, let’s make a deal” Shi Jin moved forward, with his hands still raised in surrender.

“I’ll drop my weapon and you let the girls go”

“What do you mean, you’re gonna drop your weapon and the girls get on their knees now” the boy refuted shaking his gun around. Yoo Ji noticed his loose grip, either from carelessness or from inexperience. Probably only shot it once or twice before today. She surveyed the other boys and found them to be pretty much the same.

“Huh, I thought I could fool him” he paused, “okay, no more jokes when I say now, you run back to the car and wait by the door,” he instructed Mo Yeon. 

“Five minutes should do it,” he evaluated once again.

“You’re overestimating my ability to move fast enough to avoid the guns Captain Yoo, make that 10” Yoo Ji added.

“If five minutes pass and we’re not out, just leave no matter what.” he continued, ignoring Yoo Ji’s comment.

“Oh god, Gwang Nam is going to kill me” Shi Jin glanced at Yoo Ji. 

“I’ll try to spare you by not getting injured,” Yoo Ji told him.

“What is that bastard saying? Shut up and drop your weapon” the leader said moving towards them and putting his hand to stabilize the gun in his other.

“Okay, okay” Shi Jin muttered. 

“I’ll drop it, do you like this spot?” Shi Jin asked with a small smile on his lips.

“I can’t use this gun anyway” Shi Jin continued, the boys can’t understand him still because he was speaking Korean but Yoo Ji understood. He’d had to write a lot of reports.

Yoo Ji realized that he was going to take the leader’s gun and use that instead, so she quickly picked a target and zeroed in on his actions. 

Shi Jin waited until the boy was lowered enough and slid his gun backward and jammed the boy’s hand upwards so he couldn't shoot him. 

“Now!” Mo Yeon sprung in action and so did Fatima. Yoo Ji quickly grabbed the boy’s hand towards one of the other boys so that he wouldn't shoot, and then kicked him in his stomach so he would double over. She quickly was able to get his gun.

“You think I’ll get arrested if I use the gun” Yoo Ji wondered out loud to Shi Jin.

“Yes!” he yelled back. She huffed and threw the gun far away from their reach. Shi Jin was able to grab another boy’s gun and twisted his elbow so he had no control of his hand and shot in the clutter of boys’ direction but didn’t hit anyone specific mostly to scare them and to make them back off. 

Yoo Ji yelped as she heard the gun go off and quickly punch another boy coming at her. She disabled another gun as another smaller boy came at her, the gun in her hand went slamming down on his shoes. He yelled in pain and she looked away and saw Shi Jin do the same.

“Aw man, now you're just stealing my moves,” she called out to him, but she was running out of breath, she breathed hard as a blond boy circled around her, his hands on his gun shaking. 

“Do you even know how to shoot that?” Yoo Ji asked him in English, taunting him. He clicked his safety off but didn't get a chance to press the trigger before Yoo Ji hit his knee cap to the side, breaking it. He fell to his knees and she kneed his nose, he dropped the gun and she kicked it toward the other pile of guns.

She held her breath, noticing a boy sneaking towards the direction Fatima ran to take cover in, her call of warning died in her throat as Shi Jin started shooting towards the boys’ shoes making his fall and stay down. She didn't think he was shot, just knocked out. He started walking backward towards Fatima, who didn't run with Mo Yeon to the car as Yoo Ji assumed. Yoo Ji breathed hard.

“Well this was a work out” she tried to slow down her breathing. She started making her way to them when she saw the boys getting up and starting to shoot again, she rolled her eyes and snuck up behind one of them and elbowed the back of his head, knocking him out. 

“Why don't you guys stay down” she growled. They pointed their guns between her, Shi Jin, and Fatima.

“Shouldn’t Mo Yeon do something to help us?” Yoo Ji shouted at the Captain.

“I told her to leave if we don’t come out” he yelled back as he ran out of bullets and took cover behind the old truck. He tried to reach for another gun but couldn't get it in time. 

“Now what?” Yoo Ji yelled as she kicked another boy away from her and grabbed his gun and pointed at him. Her question went unanswered as she heard a car come screeching towards them, she managed to roll out of the way. She glanced at the car to see it was the military car that they came in and Mo Yeon was driving it now. 

She suddenly backtracked the car almost crushing Shi Jin’s hand,

“Hurry, get in!” she told Shi Jin. Yoo Ji who was on the other side of the car from Shi Jin opened the door and jumped inside the front passenger seat while Shi Jin and Fatima got in the back. As they made their way back, Mo Yeon was grinning.

“Wow, awesome! This is totally exciting!” she said laughing. Yoo Ji looked back towards Shi Jin who looked at her disbelief. Yoo Ji and Shi Jin were heaving, trying to catch their breath from fighting a whole gang.

“I'm still excited! Did you become a soldier for this?” Mo Yeon asked the Captain.

“I fought off the enemy!” she yelled in glee. 

“You mean you ran over the enemy, we fought off the enemy” Yoo Ji responded with amusement in her voice.

“You almost ran me over too!” Shi Jin told her.

“I knew you would avoid it, it was all calculated” Mo Yeon replied with a grin on her face.

“With calculations like that, how did you make it through medical school?” he grunted in the back. Yoo Ji chuckled.

“She could save people but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t put them in hospitals” Yoo Ji replied jokingly, which Mo Yeon fake glared at her. The car started slowing down and came to a stop.

“What’s wrong with this car?” Mo Yeon asked in confusion.

“Why don’t you know? You beat it up too much, this woman now wrecked three cars” he said Yoo Ji laughed as she got out of the car.

“I'll try to get in contact with anyone nearby.” Shi Jin pulled out his walkie talkie.

“Big Boss transmitting. The location is roughly 15 km from the city towards the barracks. The car is down. If there is any soldier within the radius, contact me.” Captain Yoo said. A second later Dae Young’s voice responded.

“Wolf transmitting. Currently on landmine operation in the direction of Phantom Village.”

“What’s the matter? Why do you always get stuck on roads?” Dae Young’s voice cut through with a bit of an edge.

“No kidding” Shi Jin responded while looking at the car engine.

“I’ll send Sergeant Gong” Dae Young sighed. 

“They’re sending Cheol Ho to pick us up,” Shi Jin told the girls. Mo Yeon took Fatima a little farther to scold her while Yoo Ji stayed near the car

They were finally able to make it back to the base and Mo Yeon went to take a shower and Yoo Ji decided that she should do the same, her muscles will start to ache from her vigorous workout. As soon as Yoo Ji got out of the shower the lights went out. She sighed and felt her way back to her room.

-----------------------------------------------

-The Next Morning-

The Alpha team got the news that manager Jin got arrested for identity fraud by the Mohoru Police and then one of the patients told Shi Jin and Dae young that manager Jin has a fistful of diamonds. Shi Jin concluded that he was probably on the run from someone. 

*The Alpha team gets all suited up in all black and goes to save the manager but it's a black op so it’s not officially said that they rescued the man. While they are there Shi Jin faces off with Agus one more time. As he is the one that’s been haunting manager Jin down for the diamonds.* 

They came back with the man and he was put into the Medi-Cube. Shi Jin was interrogating him. When Manager Jin started coughing and calling for a doctor. It turns out he has internal bleeding from the diamonds. 

Yoo Ji sighed as she shook her head trying to shake away the dizziness. Damn it's happening more often now. She felt light-headed and couldn't focus. Gwang Nam came running towards her, he looked so shaken up.

“Doctor Kang and First Lieutenant Yoon” he stated but paused. 

“They’re in OR, what’s wrong?” Yoo Ji said, confused.

“Manager Jin has the M virus” Gwang Nam spilled out finally. Yoo Ji’s chair fell as she suddenly stood up.

“What?!” her voice rang through the room. 

“They are in isolation in the OR” Gwang Nam informed her. Yoo Ji’s dizziness was forgotten as she booked it towards the Medi-Cube, Gwang Nam following her. 

Once she arrived, she found Shi Jin and Dae Young glued to the doors separating the girls from the rest of them. She pushed through the doctors and stood in between the men.

“The U.S. base has a laboratory but I am not sure they will cooperate,” Myung Ju said.

“I'll take care of that,” Shi Jin said as he opened his phone.

“I'll go prepare the transportation,” Dae Young said as he ran out. 

“What’s going on?” Yoo Ji’s voice was strong but her eyes wavered, looking at both her friends.

“Manager Jin seems to have the M Virus, we both got contaminated by blood” Myung Ju responded. 

“We’ll be ok,” Mo Yoeon assured Yoo Ji. 

Yoo Ji started swaying slightly, the rush of adrenaline had left her body and all she felt now was exhaustion, days of not sleeping, and not getting any rest was taking its toll on her. Her swaying got more noticeable and Mo Yeon gasp alerted everyone that's wasn’t aware, as Yoo Ji almost hit the floor. Gwang Nam swooped in and supported Yoo Ji holding onto her waist. Shi Jin looked at Yoo Ji with complete shock. 

“What is wrong with her?” Gwang Nam asked.

“She needs an IV and dextrose solution, she needs rest” Mo Yeon instructed one of the nurses. This wasn’t the first time this happened, but it put everyone on edge, the circumstances were horrible.

“Overexertion and insomnia, she’ll be fine.” Mo Yeon explained, “we’ll be fine” Myung Ju looked at Mo Yeon with concern for Yoo Ji while she was also anxious about their own situation. Gwang Nam settled Yoo Ji on one of the beds.

Captain Yoo and Deputy Leader Seo came back, Gwang Nam saw both of them march to the OR. Gwang Nam peaked at the situation, Dae Young hugged Myung Ju tightly and wouldn’t let go. Gwang Nam figured that she’s probably the one that got it. He looked back at Yoo Ji, she was sleeping peacefully, but once she wakes up, he’ll have to tell her.

[starbuck]

Terror Notes: “Go For Broke”

well… I guess I’m really doing this! Some proper, bullet-pointed notes for each episode of The Terror, starting with ep 1: Go For Broke!

I wrote these out last night (and edited them this morning to make them readable - you’re welcome!) so I hope that y’all enjoy my thoughts and assorted nonsense! I tried to save my comments for points I actually wanted to make because I feel like they bring something to the table but I still ended up writing A Lot lol

I love that Crozier couldn’t even be bothered to be present in welcoming Sir John and Fitzjames onto Terror, making Little and Hodgson do it by themselves. One could argue that he had important captain-y things to be doing at that time or something but I’m not 100% sure that wasn’t the case. 

idk if it’s just the angle, but I paused the episode just as the shot of the officer’s mess is coming in from above and Hodgson’s hands make me so uncomfortable. They look so bone-y and weird. (Just what you came here for, I know. Hand commentary.)

Cannot tell you how uncomfortable it is, after many rewatches, to listen to Fitzjames recounting in a casual, lighthearted manner 1) shooting people 2) people catching fire (and burning to death), and 3) their burning flesh smelling “like roast duck” (so, like something edible) and it’s even more uncomfortable to have the closeup be on Hodgson’s face as he laughs at the ‘roast duck’ comparison.

On a lighter note: I love that Fitzjames felt the need to remind everyone what size cherries are by illustrating it with his fingers. In case they forgot, I guess? As someone who occasionally speaks unnecessarily with my hands, big mood tbh.

I LOVE it when Fitzjames gives Little that affirmative tap on the arm after he compares Fitzjames’s injury to Lord Nelson’s. My friend Eli and I refer to it as The Fitzjames Arm Tap. I would like a Fitzjames Arm Tap, pretty please.

God, Sir John loudly setting his hands on the table to try to dispel the tension from the ‘birdshit island’ debacle as he attempts to change the subject is so funny. I’m gonna stop just pointing out things I find funny soon, I swear, but I just cannot handle this scene.

Between Hodgson looking horrifically embarrassed by Crozier’s outburst at Fitzjames and Little looking nervous when Crozier shoots him a look as Sir John says that there’s no reason to be concerned about the ice, it really does seem that they were having to ‘manage’ him even back in ep 1 when his alcoholism wasn’t completely out of hand.

Personal sidenote about this: My Pop-pop is often rude to workers in stores and restaurants (he doesn’t drink thank goodness but he has Alzheimer’s coming on which has worsened his temper) so I very much understand the feeling of being on-edge that an outburst is going to occur and trying to deal with the fallout when it does. Just going by my own experience, I can imagine Little apologizing to Fitzjames for Crozier’s rudeness as soon as they were out of Crozier’s earshot (not that anything Little could say would heal the deep psychological wound that Crozier created but hey, it’s something).

The way that Sir John brushes aside Dr. MacDonald’s and Crozier’s concerns about moving Young when he’s in such bad shape never fails to upset me but also ~foreshadowing for hauling the ill on boats oooohhh~

I said I was done pointing out random things that amuse me but the speed and agility with which Des Voeux pops out of the hatch and onto the deck after Orren falls into the water is just so funny. I could watch that two second clip on repeat all day. Might gif it so I actually can.

Is this a good time to point out that there’s also a scene in Moby-Dick where someone falls from high up on a mast and drowns? It’s in a chapter all about bad omens experienced by the crew of the Pequod and The Terror definitely has some similar vibes going on with the sun dogs displayed in the establishing shot of Erebus in that scene and David Young, a “warning of things to come,” on his way over.

The second(?) time I watched the part where Young tells Stanley that he didn’t think anything of getting headaches since he’s always gotten them, I had this thought pass through my head that was like “oh god, I had chronic migraines for years so I’d never have known if I had lead poisoning either!” but then I realized that this probably was not a relevant concern I should have.

Not sure I have any deep commentary on this but as Gore informs Sir John and Fitzjames about the blocked propeller, he’s standing in the same spot, in the same room as Goodsir will stand next episode to tell them about his death.

Also regarding this scene, I love how Gore waits for Fitzjames to give him the go-ahead to leave before actually going. I know that Fitzjames is his superior officer too but, since Sir John already dismissed him, it seems like waiting for Fitzjames’s approval isn’t really necessary, yet a nice thing to do. Perhaps this is a legitimate formality, but something similar happens later in this episode in the command meeting when Crozier asks Gore how many sun dogs he’s seen; he looks to Fitzjames and waits for his nod before answering Crozier. He doesn’t look to Sir John, he looks to Fitzjames. I know that we know essentially nothing about Gore but like.. underrated ship???? Just saying…

Ten nights ago, I was unable to get to sleep for at least an hour because I started thinking about David Young’s saying “I want to go to my grave as I am” and, of course, that ultimately doesn’t happen for him but also, this, like all things about him, is a “warning of things to come.” I’m pretty sure that no one else was properly buried until, arguably, Fitzjames and ironically, that was explicitly not what he wanted done with his body (and, since his grave was later looted by Hickey, similar to the way that Young’s autopsy ultimately achieved nothing, it didn’t really matter anyway).

I know that this happened exactly ten days ago because I forced myself to wake up and write it down in my notes app, lest I forget, which only prolonged my sleeplessness. I suffer for my analysis. 

Ah yesssss Tozer’s lesbian haircut. We love it! Why does my hair not look like that when I take a hat off? I’d like to file a complaint.

Was just thinking the other day about how Hartnell being the one to notice that there was something up with the ice in ep 1 is followed up on with Blanky complimenting Hartnell’s ability to read the ice to Crozier in ep 7. I wonder if Blanky ever gave him like. ice-reading lessons after becoming aware of his interest and natural talent at it in ep 1? That makes me happy to think about.

The two people who we’re shown awoken by Young’s screaming are Sgt. Bryant and Morfin and like. Do I even have to explain why that’s an Oof?

The way that Goodsir hesitates before knocking on Stanley’s door and Stanley irritatedly closing his book before answering the knock in an exasperated voice would be comedic in any other context. If I’m being honest, it still makes me laugh. As does Stanley’s “As if that weren’t plain.”

I’ve pointed this out before but mmmmm... that shot of Stanley in profile with the open candle flame in the background… the foreshadowing in this ep is thicker than the smoke at… Oh alright, I’ll stop. 

God, the autopsy/dive scene…. Collins being lowered down and entering the water paralleled with Goodsir’s initial cutting into Young’s corpse, the breaking up of the ice paralleled with the cutting of the bone-saw. But most significant to me is the parallel of what is seen/not seen and the long-term effect that this has. Collins sees Orren’s corpse (and then presumably never tells anyone about it), reinforcing his guilt over Orren’s death, the beginning of his mental health decline. Goodsir doesn’t see the cause of Young’s death in his autopsy and this not knowing about the lead poisoning until it’s too late to do anything about it is the cause of many of Goodsir’s later problems as well. And, to finish it all off, both the autopsy and Collins’ dive were ultimately for nothing (considering a spinning propeller is useless when your ships are frozen in). 

Crozier and Blanky’s simultaneous face journeys as Sir John rambles on about how there’s nothing to worry about and they’ll find the passage any day now are truly legendary.

I wrote some pretty extensive tags on this already but man… Crozier’s comment about how not all of Sir John’s men returned from one of his previous arctic expeditions is just so nasty and awful. Like, yes, Sir John is wrong to undersell the danger they’re in and Crozier is advocating for the correct position here, but that was completely uncalled for and horrible to say, particularly in a command meeting, in front of so many people. And Sir John looks legitimately upset by it too. He gets over it quickly, at least on the outside, but I still feel really bad for him (and I NEVER feel bad for Sir John so this is weird for me).

“But of course we will not be abandoning Erebus, or Terror…” Let’s check back in six episodes and see how that’s going! 

Crozier slamming his fist on the table to prove he’s not being melodramatic reminds me of this one post (that I sadly can’t find rn) about Jesus Christ Superstar that’s like “‘CUT OUT THE DRAMATICS’ Judas hollered dramatically.” It’s such an Overall Mood.

I don’t have a developed commentary on this at the moment but it’s an interesting reverse-parallel that Sir John had no concern for Young’s well-being when he was alive, ignoring Crozier’s concerns about moving him from ship-to-ship when he was in such poor health, yet now that he’s dead, Sir John is the one to recommend that Young be buried which Crozier is surprised by, and seems to feel is unnecessary.

There’s been so much amazing commentary already made about Young’s burial scene so I’ll skip it except to say that Hickey’s irritated sigh when he hears footsteps coming towards the grave is SO funny. That’s exactly how I feel when I know that someone is about to tell me something that will annoy me.

Goodsir was really getting into the emotion of Sir John’s “eulogy”/motivational speech before he remembered the promise he made about Young’s ring. Also, what triggered his memory was Sir John saying “We shall earn our loved one’s cheers and embraces,” so no doubt a reminder of the traumatic “Your loved ones will be there in Heaven to welcome you! :)” “I never knew my mother or father” exchange (or maybe just a reminder of the fact that he was supposed to get Young’s ring to his sister but just let me scrape a little humor out of this. God knows I need it).

The shot of Bryant praying in his hammock the night before they get completely frozen-in is honestly deeply upsetting to me. Especially considering he’s a marine so he Did Not Ask To Be Here, yet there he’ll die.

According to Melville, ship’s compasses occasionally spun round-and-round when a ship was caught in a severe storm and this was an incredibly upsetting thing to behold because of how disorienting it was. So, considering that, Fitzjames keeps his composure pretty well but he clearly has some reservations about how things are going and Sir John has no comforting-sounding remark about ‘Magnetic North’ to offer him now.

The bit where Sir John “sees” Crozier, on Terror, turn away from him with a half-smirk on his face is interesting because there’s no way he could have possibly seen Crozier’s expression at that distance and I’m doubtful that he’d even have been able to make out the identity of anyone he might have been able to see on Terror’s deck. So really, it speaks mostly to Sir John’s mental state; his seeing their getting frozen in as a loss against Crozier and imagining that Crozier would see it as a victory for himself.

Ugh the final shot is making me think about @catilinas’s post comparing a shot of the two ships stuck in to the shot of the ink drops from ep 3 and I am LOSING IT but I was losing it anyway because it’s 2AM now and my entire body feels like gelatin. 

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 6

I couldn't resist. More live-blogging of this episode.

My poor Allison...

Oh so that's what Handler wants from Five...

Ahah, Luther and Diego pointing out what Reggie did to Vanya and her reaction is awesome.

"no more number 1 or number 2 bullshit" -yes, Diego, baby, you're growing up! Also, him trying to bond with Luther and Vanya on his own accord is so fucking cute...

Klaus doing yoga 😆

Oh, so confirmed that the cult started by accident.

"you're a narcissist"? Ben, you've been watching him closely for 16 years, you know that's not true, you know the narcissism is just a mask, you know Klaus is actually insanely empathetic and compassionate.

Oh, wait, Ben is only saying this crap because he doesn't want Klaus to disband the cult. I get it now, Ben is the one being selfish here.

Oh, so the girl Ben likes is Jill... Boy is smitten.

Ahahah, Ben freaked out by the yoga poses 😆

Jesus, they really don't give Klaus space to breathe.

"my name is Klaus's and I'm an alcoh--- Ah, sorry, that's the wrong meeting" 🤣🤣🤣

Oh God, this is turning into a Spartacus thing... Oh, it's not.

There they go objectifying him and only hearing what they want to hear... These dudes are almost as bad as the ghosts.

Oh so it DID turn into a Spartacus thing!

Klaus tries to do the right and it always blows up in his face, huh?

Ray's priorities though 😆

Ahahah, Allison and Ray pulling a 'Pretty Women' rodeo drive scene 🤣 love it

That's a beautiful dress, Allison 😊

Wait! She's using her powers without the 'rumor' prefix! 😲 Yes!!!!!!

Oh, Allison is losing control... Is this the cost? Getting lost in the power trip? I mean, we already knew but not too this extent.

Lila, your mom is actually protecting you here. Listen to her.

Handler teasing Lila about Diego really is such a mom thing to do.

"I know you fancy yourself a spiritual guru..." - no, Ben, have you not been paying attention? That's literally what Klaus thinks he's NOT but nobody will listen to him. You're right that he needs help though.

Ok, Klaus is right. Ben keeps contradicting himself about what Klaus should do.

"you sound just like Dad" Oh, shit that's a really mean insult in this family 🥺

Holy crap, was that possession?????

That looks severely uncomfortable.

"I think I was inside of you" -.... No, no, too easy, I'm not going to say it. 🤐

DAVE?

Awww, Klaus doesn't even care about the punch.

Dave likes Dune, huh? Good taste.

Oh, the dog tags.... 😭

"it's an honor to die for my country" -no, honey, not like this

Oh shit, timeline changed, timeline changed! Dave is going to wear early. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

The shaking... Poor Klaus... How hasn't he snapped yet?

Swedes in the sauna, of course.

Strategically placed steam 😆

Ah! The Swedes FINALLY talk!

Ouch! Right for the balls. I'm starting to really like Handler.

"unharm my wiener" 🤣🤣🤣 poor boy

Handler, is this your attempt at protecting your daughter from feelings? It's twisted and evil but almost cute.

What the hell does "lavender" mean? Her perfume or something?

Southland Life?

The elevator scene! They really did all come together, I love it when Five is right.

AHAHAHAHAHAH What's with Luther and the stink jokes this season? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

'Daddy's girl' 😆

"team zero" I actually like that Diego keeps harping on the no numbers thing.

"classic" 😆

"hey pop, how's it hanging?" 🤣

"dead, yes, but I'm here! Klaus! Tell them I'm here!" -yes, please, Klaus, it's so cruel that you keep denying him that... 😣

"what are you writing?" Everybody leaning in and Diego getting all nervous. XD they are so conditioned, poor children.

The punch! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"no, Vanya, don't!!!" Everyone is so scared of her but yet they are still making an effort to include her and that's so important!!

"oops" -that is not the smile of someone that means that oops, Vanya 😆

Reggie's sarcasm 🙄 I can see where half these siblings got their sass now.

Jesus Christ, Reginald is emotionally tearing Diego apart 😭 as much as Diego claims not to care what their father thinks, he cares, he really cares, they all do. I doesn't matter if you know that your parent is abusive, you will always have that visceral pain response of betrayal when they attack you and you will always in some way crave their approval. It's the terrible power imbalance of parental abuse.

There's the stutter! Poor Diego... Don't cry, baby...😭😭😭

Oh shit, Ben!

Reggie is not impressed. I get a feeling that they might have accidentally convinced him to NOT to adopt them...

"you in the cullotes" 😆 Reggie immediately tagged who the leader is

"I feel so violated" -why are they playing this for laughs?? It's horrible!

"oh, possession is a strong word, I'd like to say 'borrowed you'." -ok, so I get why Ben did that, Klaus pushed him too far and he got desperate. But please, PLEASE tell me Ben understands the seriousness of what he did and doesn't start abusing this ability without Klaus's consent.

ok, a serious thought now: no wonder Klaus did drugs, it was the only thing he could control in his life, the only way he had to take some control back, and this possession thing now only makes that more obvious. He has no control over his body if someone decided to take it, no control over the powers that make him see the dead everywhere, no control over his family life (the fact that Reginald locked in the mausoleum is just the tip of the iceberg in his lack of power), no control of the circumstances that killed the love of his life, no control over the masses that objectify him no matter how much he tries to tell them he isn't their savior and to leave him alone, he just has no control and nobody seems to get that, that's why him falling off the wagon is so serious and should be addressed by the family. Klaus deserves a family that cares about his suffering!!!

Congratulations to Luther for standing up to dad for the first time but Vanya is the only one with her priorities straight and goes straight to comforting Diego. And Diego immediately goes back to his passive-aggressive defense system...

I need more Diego-Vanya bonding in my life.

Poor Klaus... At least hold him properly, Luther.

I get a feeling this Grace is going to end up dying and I really don't want that to happen...

"technically I'm older than you right now" -no, Five, your not, you have no idea how old Reginald really is, he arrived in the US a full grown adult in the beginning of the century, he's inhumanly old (I never understood how he suddenly looked old in 89 when he adopted them considering that in 63 he looks almost as he did when he first arrived in the US so those decades before).

Ah, so that's what the ancient Greek was.

Reggie actually dishing out some wisdom and doing so patiently... Who is this?!

Don't you dare apologize, Five! You have nothing to apologize for!

Geez, Reggie and Five acting like they could be friends in different circumstances is actually surprisingly creepy. It also speaks to how fucked up even Five is about Reggie's abuse, even at almost 60 he's still clinging to the idea that maybe Reginald knows everything and has all the answers, he's still hoping that their suffering was for a reason and that Reginald might be proud of him. It's sad.

A cat? Are Swedes... Yes, the Swedes are in Elliot's house. Please don't let Elliot die, I like the poor weirdo.

The Swedes were more interesting when they didn't talk. (Still want to know what the glittery stuff they were drinking is).

"they do not abide women like us around here" -there or anywhere else, Sissy, it's 1963, homosexuality is literally illegal and considered a mental illness

Sissy actually makes a very good point.

Ok, this conversation is already veering their relationship into much healthier territory! Good. But now I'm scared for Sissy...

Damn, I hadn't even finished typing that last sentence and my fears were already proven right. Fucking Carl saw them.

Oh please, let Elliot be alive...

Noooooooooooo!

Damn it, I liked Elliot. He was so good to this family... 😩😠😢

"öga för öga"? Seeing as Elliot has something stuck in his eye, I'm going to guess that means 'eye for an eye' or something?

Ok, I googled it, yes, it's 'eye for an eye'.

I LOVE THIS HANDLER DRESS! 🤩

1982, huh? I'm guessing where about to see badass Five? I hope so.

[bd-handystand]

Callout Response

(Contains reference to many triggering items including mentions of pedophilia, transphobia, homestuck, racism. I am simply trying to make amends and clear up miscommunications. If you are okay with continuing....)

I am going to go through all the things mentioned in the call out and give my defenses, apologies or other statements on the regards to these. I am sorry if my wording is very poor here, as I started this at 1 am and worked on it across a few days with review from friends. I had asked for someone to also get me a list of my offenses from someone I know is a part of the callout but they didn’t get back to me with it so I may have missed things.

"Aging up a Minor for NSFW Content" and "Transphobia"

I can understand how me making NSFW content of a character build off of/inspired by a minor would make people extremely uncomfortable. When this was brought to my attention, I deleted the art in question on my main. I have no interest or intent on making further lewd art using Oe/Oeya, or any lewd art at all for that matter. (Should merevent return, I will likely create a new event muse entirely). After having it brought further to my attention, I feel nothing but regret for making it at all. I had thought that establishing him as much more different than his inspiration and making his age clear would keep this from being a problem but it appears that I was mistaken.

The transphobia I can also understand how people could see it, as I was toying with their shape shift ability in one of my first attempts at NSFW art. I deeply apologize if this experimentation made anyone reading this uncomfortable: know that it will never happen again. I am not transphobic.

To whoever in the ring of callout anons is distributing one or both of the deleted pieces of art, please stop.

"Homestuck Crimes"

I acknowledge that Homestuck has problematic elements. I understand that to some or even many that the negative outweighs the positive aspect. Homestuck also has a lot of creative elements that I like exploring. I properly tag Homestuck and those of the Homestuck AU I used for Bethesjo with "-character name- (HS)", to try and make it easy to avoid. If I mistag, I am open to people telling me so I may add the desired tags.

To repeat: I do not support many of the views expressed in Homestuck, but find some of the positive core aspects enjoyable, inspiring, or simply fun to mess with. It is something I enjoy, even with its problematic points and I apologize for making continual use of it for inspiration and ideas.

"Racism in making bestial / feral event versions of a PoC muse"

I, again, am very sorry for this. I tend to go wild with ideas for these events and create things without thinking of major implications.

When I made CnC Okuyasu an orc, I simply felt that it clicked. I always enjoyed Orcs aesthetically! The uncontrolled magic played into a favorite fantasy trope of mine, so I decided to use that too. When I created Oe, I, in all honesty, was just trying very hard to avoid drawing fish in any capacity or arms and had recently watched Moana. (Once again, I will likely create a new muse should merevent return for round 3) Magical Girl event Okuyasu was inspired by the combination of Tokyo Mew Mew and part of Magical Girl Apocalypse (that too having problematic things but I could not overlook them in their quantity, causing me to drop interest in the manga itself but not its concept). The Okuyasu embedded with the flesh bud (Okuyasu (Dio) in my tagging) was spawned by an art meme, but I grew to enjoy the idea. His minimal time shown due to lack of asks for him also paint him in a low point that does not reflect their state most of the time. When I created Nijimi, I wanted to play off the idea of deities being shaped by the human idea of them, using Okuyasu's money imagery to create a deity of charity turned into a beast of greed. (Should the deity event return, I will try and create a new muse for it: not only in light of this, but because I am unsure what else I can do with them and Nicho.) WoF Okuyasu was born from my interest in Mr. Nijimura's condition in context of undeath, wanting to do something similar with WoF Okuyasu while also playing with other tropes. The former Stand Infection event Okuyasu, now dubbed Ghost in the Machine, was meant to be a play in the unpredictable nature not only of glitches but someone hyped on caffeine. He also was the result of working with dio-theshitpost-brando and I was pulling too from their concepts. The new Stand Infection Okuyasu being identified with a number as shown in a few art memes was inspired by the SCP Foundation, not the holocaust or anything of the like. I know no one mentioned this in any call out material but I know that it would likely be used out of context too should I avoid acknowledging it.

As I hopefully go further into the future, I will try and think more of the implications of this, under all of the AUs, is a PoC minor. Again, I am sorry for causing any offense.

"The Cow Incident"

I will say that I should have been more firm but I will say that I view the general idea of adding horns, ears, and tail does not inherently make something negative, mostly the context or the content being made with this concept. The blogs, from my understanding, made multiple references to the act of milking, which then makes it awkward and uncomfortable. Making a direct comparison between PoC and cattle is also bad. Doing it simply for a cute design or without ill intent, in my eyes, is okay. I'm sorry if my stance still remains unclear or poorly worded or if you disagree.

"Comment Deletion and ignoring asks"

For those commenting on my YouTube channel, I did not do so because I was afraid or being overly defensive. I had stated my stances, apologies and regrets in other replies and felt like I was not being listened to and hounded. I deleted these comments and asks for the sake of my mental health, as I had fallen into a depressive episode at the large wave of angry anons.

Comments and asks deleted in the beginning of the cow incident were deleted to keep the discourse off The Hand blog and to minimize further asks on the matter, as it was 2 am at the time and I was getting very stressed over it.

“Headcanoning a Minor as Ace”

The funny thing is, I don’t headcanon Okuyasu as ace. As for saying that having headcanons of this nature is sexualizing minors I will say this: it depends on the age. Headcanon, say, a 6 year old as bi or gay or what have you seems a bit off but the teenage years are often when one discovers the labels for themselves and grows to be comfortable with them. Understanding your orientation is not inherently about someone having sex, but understanding what you as an individual find attractive in one way shape or form. I, myself, am ace. I used Okuyasu as my icon on my main for a long while now. I put Okuyasu with the ace flag for my main blog’s profile pic because I am proud to be ace and Okuyasu is who I associate with. Not to turn the gun, but the suggestion that headcanoning a character as ace is seen as worse than any other orientational headcanon is rather aphobic.

I am trying to improve myself every day. I want my blogs to be nice places, not just for me, but for the visitors. I had no ill intent when doing anything, but I also was unaware of the severity of the implications of my work. I am open to criticism and reminders to tag or rework things, but please be mindful that I’m only human and prone to human error and lapses in judgement. I also can try my damndest to fix what wrongs I have done.

I am going to let this circulate for a few days and then hopefully I can turn on anon once again without large waves of anger. I am sorry and I hope WE won’t have to do this again. - Z

[hollenka99]

The Hero

Summary: Jackie was made to be the hero. He's proud to fulfill that role. Then one fight goes wrong and it takes everything from him.

Warnings: Torture, gore, implied mouth gore, starvation, dehydration, aftermath of torture, aftermath of violence, dehumanisation, poisoning. If there’s anything else I’m overlooking or accidentally didn’t include, please tell me.

@egopocalypse you said you wanted to be tagged in this so here it is.

Jackie isn't sure how he ended up standing on an unfamiliar doorstep. He knows he was trying to find his way to a red room a few minutes ago. And wasn't he attacked by an intruder at one point? Wait, no, there was a woman getting her leg mauled by a dog too. He decides it's best to ask the occupants of this house if they could help him. Directions to the nearest danger that required his intervention would be great also. The one who answers the door is a man that suspiciously looks a lot like himself, albeit older.

"Hi, I'm Jackieboy Man. Need any help?"

His cheeriest smile and inviting hand don't change the man's reaction to him. Instead, the confusion only grows on the homeowner's features. Jackie is told he isn't what the guy had expected. That doesn't sting in the slightest. At least he'd been expected.

Upon being ushered inside, the man introduces himself as Jack. He offers him a can of Dr Pepper and a plate containing several custard cremes that 'honestly need to be finished already because they are going soft and he would've probably had them for breakfast tomorrow for the sake of it'. Jack takes the time to explain the situation. They were technically characters and there was a man called Sean who had given them life. Jackie was already vaguely aware of all this.

While Jack wasn't entirely sure it was true, he was beginning to believe the previously inexplicable changes the house had made earlier that day were in fact it adapting to Jackie's imminent arrival. That was cool. So was the entire room that belonged purely to him. There wasn't much yet, only the bed and wardrobe, but soon enough he would make it his own.

He hasn't been alive for 24 hours when he is introduced to Sean. The older identical duo discuss superheroes like Batman and Spider-Man with him. Despite what he'd expected his creator to be like, he doesn't mind the guy. Possibly because he hasn't had the chance to know them properly, the two men don't seem to be too different from each other. An off-hand comment to Jack regarding this causes him to laugh. Jackie can't say he appreciates the weird vibes it gives off.

The other two speak privately in another room about editing videos, not far enough that their voices can't travel through walls. They discuss giving the teen an education as well as somebody called Angus. He doesn't like the way they talk about this stranger. Just who was this Angus? He can only assume he is a villain Sean is designing to be Jackie's rival.

On the night Jackie is due to be introduced to what Jack claims to be 'the greatest pizza topping ever', he gets his answer. Angus was certainly no villain. The guy who stumbles with his arm around his friend's shoulders takes the young hero by surprise.

Everything about him radiates a man who had only woken minutes earlier. Once he gets to know Angus better, this doesn't seem as unusual. The Australian hunter sounds displeased while mumbling about someone called Jake disturbing him for the sake of pizza. It takes Jackie a shamefully long minute to realise there was no Jake, only Jack.

For the majority of the evening, Jack's attention is focused on his best friend. They chat and attempt to share inside jokes that mostly fall flat. While they do include him occasionally, Jackie is simply left to observe the strained relationship. He's been alive for less than a week but he can tell it should not be this uncomfortable to see two friends interacting. It isn't right for the so-called 'wildlife expert' to need Jack to complete his stories either.

When Angus returns to his bedroom, Jackie offers to help with the dishes. He convinces himself that's what a true hero would do, help around the house. He cautiously questions whether Jack is okay. The answer worries him somewhat.

"It's fine. He just happened to have a bad day. I'm sure you'll get to see him when he's not so forgetful."

There is something about the way Jack smiles after that answer that makes Jackie ill at ease. It's different from the way the young hero does. Jackie was all wide and beaming, the sort that made your cheeks ache if you maintained it for too long. The one Jack was providing him, on the other hand, had barely an ounce of life in it. Even in the past few days since they'd met, Jackie had witnessed the eye-crinkling grin he was sure had to be Jack's natural smile.

The boy chooses to forget about it. It was probably something that should be properly addressed at some point but, for now, it was best to leave it. Jack decides otherwise.

He explains how it has been two years since Angus began declining. He's tried everything he could think of to help. He's watched all 10 videos of the series countless times, sometimes playing them on multiple tabs to increase efficiency. Once he realised it didn't count unless he was in Sean's world, he transferred the method to a new location.

Jackie questions whether he will end up lethargic and forgetful as well. The adamance, almost anger at the mere idea, that no, of course he won't is shockingly swift. Jack insists he isn't saying this for the sake of scaremongering or choosing sides. This was about providing him with an informed opinion. He deserves to know, his friend reasons.

The following weeks pass with little incidence. He and Jack marathon all 12 Marvel DVDs they own. Having misunderstood his friend, Jackie trains all night which leads to him dozing off as Tony Stark celebrates his birthday in the sequel. He is also introduced to Batman. He's more interested in Marvel but Jack is trying to give him something to relate to. He humours him in appreciation. Plus, it leads to a competition to see who could make their voice go the lowest. He can't fault him on that.

During the day, he is either seen increasing his agility and reflexes or in front of a computer, determined to fight back against hackers. Jack tries to dissuade him from his morally questionable hobby. Jackie only argues it is part of his job. Part of him wishes the older ego would leave him be. If he could stop meeting him in the hallway a second after he walks in from evening patrol, that'd be nice too. He's not been hurt so there's no need to worry so much.

The Gregory Brothers, what he first mistakenly hears as 'Gregory's brother', write a song for the channel. It takes quotes from various videos, predominantly Happy Wheels with some Papers, Please thrown in. Quite clever when Jackie thinks about it. Annoyingly catchy too. The best part is watching Jack become nostalgic when he recalls recording the episode featured in the second verse. Jackie chooses to tease him about the Mother Ape Ass line. Jack takes in good humour. Nevertheless, Happy Wheels is a good series to sink his teeth into, especially seeing as it was currently three videos shy of hitting triple digits.

Jack the Magnificent's entrance into their lives introduces magic with it. He has the genius idea of referring to the new guy as Magnificent to avoid confusion. It is quickly made redundant when Jack names him Marvin. Whatever the new ego's name is, Jackie has to admit it's nice to have someone else around. As much as he likes Jack, having only three people to talk to was wearing on him. The majority of the time it was only one option anyway.

Never mind Marvin being a new person to talk to. Even more exciting was his magic. With one simple click, he could conjure a flame in his hands. They are mesmerising. Jackie forgets himself at one point, reaching to touch the fire before its abrupt extinction snaps him out of it. He begs to know how he does it. This leads to the magician letting him hang around in his room with half-hearted reluctance while he taught himself spells.

Jack has an argument with Sean. Jackie doesn't understand what it's about, other than it appears to be super petty. He doesn't understand why Jack won't distance himself from Sean. He's seems so fed up after an argument and Jackie can't do anything. Not once does Jack forget to check he's okay with being vented to. Jackie never says no. How could he? Jack's his friend and it's not like he's got anyone else who is vaguely aware of the situation. Except maybe Angus. Then again, it might be more cathartic for Jack to rant to someone he can see is listening. Jackie's sure Jack isn't close enough to Marvin to confide in him as well. So even when he's tired, even when he would rather switch his mind off for an hour, Jackie says yes. As the weeks progress, the young hero convinces himself taking a very long hour for himself couldn't hurt.

Marvin tests his card tricks on him too. No matter how much he tries, the magician can never get it exactly right. There is always something he gets wrong, whether it be the suit or number. Taking a leaf out of Jack's book, he encourages him to keep trying. Card tricks didn't have to be his strong point. He didn't have to give it up entirely either.

When Marvin's patience wears thin from the failed attempts, he sneakily introduces Jackie to a card game. When Jack catches them playing, he's too honest for his own good. The head of the household disapproves immediately, although he seems more annoyed with Marvin than Jackie. After some persuading, Jack relents and allows the practise to continue so long as new rules were implemented. Jackie could only act as dealer for the time being and watch to ensure they weren't cheating. Prize money was to be avoided, as was magic. Despite the sidelining, it's not a bad time. There is friendly banter accompanied by dramatic reactions to being bested. It's the first time the three of them have hung out together and it is clear they should do so more often. The only bad thing about it is that Jackie had nearly two years left before Jack would let him be any other role.

Not long afterwards, Jackie spots a sketchy individual sprinting away while hanging outside a shop, wishing for Marvin to hurry up. His friend will not be impressed with him but what does Marvin expect? Thwarting criminals is his job. Jackie is duty bound to pursue the thief. The chase grants him the adrenaline boost necessary to convince himself this will be an easy fight.

It is not an easy fight.

It's not that his game is off or that his opponent is larger than him but... he may have miscalculated. It will be fine, he's sure. It's just a couple stab wounds to the chest. A superhero like him should walk stuff like that off. And he will, as soon as he gets this blood under control. Maybe his suit could do with being washed too. Jack and Marvin would already be annoyed enough that he'd gotten himself hurt.

Marvin is initially unimpressed. He asks if the fight was worth getting injured. He complains of how he'd probably get stuck listening to Jackie's whining about the bruises. Then comes the realisation. In the fraction of a second, his demeanour changes as he rushes to help the hero to his feet. The journey home feels a lot longer than it should.

The next few days blur. He catches shreds of conversations. At first, it is Jack and Marvin whose chatter mixes into one incoherent mess. After that, he finds himself in a hospital bed with medical professionals recapping events he is sure are partially fabricated. Once he's able to focus better on what is being said, Jack tells him there is a chance Sean is working on bringing them a live-in doctor.

Previously, he had half listened to his friends when they warned him to be careful. His attitude towards the subject had been irresponsible. Who were they to stop him from fulfilling his role as the guy who saves the day? It takes his reflection having a black eye and slightly misshapen nose in a hospital bathroom for him to finally open his ears. This wasn't just a case of him collecting bruises and cuts anymore. He's unsure whether if it ever had been.

Within a week of returning home, Jackie happens across a path he hasn't seen before. Following it, he allows it to lead him to a house. He spots a boy playing with his two little sisters. The others needed to know about this. Who knew what this could mean. Jackie can only hope it's not anything serious.

He assaults Jack and Marvin's ears as soon as he races past the front door. The stranger sitting across from them is startled. He has glasses and his hello has a foreign sound to it. Beside him is a blood stained lab coat. Not the best first impression, if he's going to be honest. But he supposes neither is a loud teenager. Jack speaks up.

"Jackie, this is Dr Schneeplestein. He'll be helping to keep us all in one piece. He's just come out of a rough surgery. Maybe tone it down a little, alright?"

The doctor mostly spends time with his family or at work. Their interactions primarily consist of ensuring Jackie's injuries are kept in check. He is gentle enough when treating wounds and Jackie is yet to let him know how much he appreciates that. They have no other common ground. Dr Schneeplestein is practically twice his age and a married father of three. Jackie, on the other hand, is technically a minor and hasn't really paid much attention to anyone other than his housemates and Sean.

He has the craziest dream one night in the middle of October. It involves covering himself in cheeses, meats and peanut butter, blowing up Mars and punching camels. The song accompanying it gets stuck in his head for the entire day too. He wakes with an inexplicable need to lift something heavy or hop off the first floor. Instead of listening to his impulses, he lifts his slim dresser and jumps on his bed. To the young hero's astonishment, the dresser is much lighter than expected and he stays suspended in the air for at least a minute.

Jackie's first instinct when planning to demonstrate his findings to his friends is to arm wrestle. Jack takes him up on the challenge. The newly strong hero goes easy on him, which makes the big reveal all the better. He's glad he can impress the others like Marvin's magic impressed him.

His new powers give him and Marvin reason to fight again. The magician is still getting the hang of manipulating plants. When leaves try to wrap around Jackie's legs, he dodges them more efficiently with each session. Jack supervised their training, the doctor usually present or nearby.

In the last week of October, Jackie gets one of the dumbest idea he's had so far. He finds string and ties it around his ankle. Marvin is busy reading up on some spells. His near facepalm solidifies the fact that this is indeed stupid. The smirk as he reluctantly takes the string and rolls his eyes makes it worth it. It is worth it even more when Jack laughs and Dr Schneeplestein decides he wants nothing to do with them,

On Halloween, he and Marvin mess around with air manipulation. Nobody will notice if the household mop and broom are missing for an hour or two. While they joke about riding broomsticks through the night, Henrik is probably with his children and Jack is filming this year's pumpkin video. He's unassuming when his phone vibrates as a notification pops up. It doesn't last long.

Jackie becomes very worried when the panic button system he'd designed is activated for the first time. It's Jack. What could put him in danger? He was carving a pumpkin. There was obviously the risk of accidentally cutting yourself, it was a sharp knife after all, but it shouldn't be serious enough to declare it an emergency. Unless his hand slipped and hit his wrist.

It's not Jack's wrist that's been cut. He would have loved for it to have just been a bleeding wrist. Anything would have been better than what he finds.

The second he lays eyes on the body, he freezes. Oh God. That was Jack, blank eyes open and streams of blood staining the pumpkin and table. He wastes precious time just staring. Then he sprints. He sprints, yelling through tears the entire time. The doctor can't get to work fast enough.

Marvin talks at him as they wait for a miracle. He's probably trying to calm him down but it's useless. He's not really listening. Marvin's lucky he didn't have to see Jack. There was so much blood on the table and his eyes weren't closed and holy shit, someone murdered Jack while they were in a different part of the building. Someone just broke in and killed a member of their household without them knowing anything was wrong. He was supposed to be the hero and he'd let this happen through carelessness. All because he'd been messing around with his flight. He could have prevented this.

"Earth to Jackie, hey." Marvin's fingers snap. "Shut up. This is not your fault so stop saying it is." "But-" "No. And he's going to pull through, just watch."

Jackie debates whether to let him stay in denial or use common sense to convince him of the truth. He chooses to stay silent but makes sure Marvin knows what he thinks of his misplaced hope. Dr Schneeplestein had diverse skills but none were bringing people back from the dead.

Apparently, there is always a first time for everything. It doesn't even register when he hears the news. Jack, alive and just unconscious for a while? That made absolutely zero sense. He hovers around the infirmary until he is granted permission to visit. The bandages surrounding Jack's neck are unnerving because he knows what's underneath. But at least his chest is rhythmically rising and falling. He tells Angus what's happened too. The longest occupant of this house wastes no time in joining him.

Jack regains consciousness and is soon talking. Jackie doesn't have the heart to admit he was the one who found him. He can tell from their behaviour anyway. Jack explains his side of the story. It was Antisepticeye, the parasitic glitch Sean had chosen to unleash the previous night. No wonder nobody was aware anything bad was occurring. It's kind of hard to see someone break in if they aren't fully corporeal.

He's going to update security as soon as Jack is discharged. If he can work out how to include a glitch detector, that should keep them safer. While he's at it, he should buy the doctor something too. Reviving Jack must have taken a massive toll on him. He deserves a gift for his efforts and for keeping Jackie safe in his own way.

Sean finally has the decency to show up the day after Jack wakes up. Surprise, surprise, there's raised voices. He is sick of the fighting. There's always some underlying issue between Jack and Sean. Jack will be the one to start arguments but Sean's at fault for triggering the resentments. He is so tired of them squabbling. You can't go a month, sometimes even a week, without something putting them at odds. He knows there's probably no way to stop it.

It's descended into quieter, but by no means less harsh, words. Marvin can't really hear it. Jackie sure as hell can. As much as he tries to wait it out, he can't take it anymore. He has to get out of the house for a bit. Although, not before calling them out.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Jackie screams. "Sean, in case you haven't noticed, we're alive and we'd like to stay that way if possible. Don't make anything else at our expense like an asshole. And Jack, you know I have your back buddy, but you kinda provoke him half the time. It really doesn't help. So let's agree you're both as bad as each other and that Sean is at fault this time."

He leaves them with that. His mistake is going on patrol while disgruntled. Finding himself aimlessly marching around the streets of Athlone, his senses are go haywire. Because of course he can't catch a break tonight. Usually, he's hyper aware of every person near him. It is a good way of keeping him alert in the presence of danger. It's far easier to win fights if he can tell a perpetrator is about to attack him from behind.

At least, that was how it was meant to work in theory. It had acted in his favour in the past. Unfortunately, it had to fail him at some point. He blames the demon's insistence on disorienting him. It's not a difficult feat. Antisepticeye only has to glitch to a new position several times. Constantly being plagued by white noise and taste of metal in the air doesn't aid him either.

Jackie begins the fight at a disadvantage. He struggles to make up for it. Attacks fail to land. He thinks he breaks Anti's jaw but it glitches back into position so quickly that he can't tell. It's over when a jolting touch throws his body in a fit of pins and needles. He should have taken a moment to admire the sun earlier that day. He's not going to see it again for a while.

His new room is far removed from the one at home. With nothing but four walls and a door, it is devoid of light. The only source of it comes from a ceiling lamp. There's no furniture, not even a crude excuse for a bed. Time doesn't exist when he's here alone. It is measured in Anti's company and the absence of it.

Jackie's a fairly quick learner. When the lamp is lit, he is being paid a visit. Sometimes Anti won't bother with the light at all. There are still ways of detecting his presence. Food and drink will come whenever Anti feels like providing him with it. Once the demon takes advantage of his age, there are more rules. He is to be referred to as 'Sir' and Jackie is simply a boy. If he pretends to genuinely follow through with it, he can bide his time.

He spots an opportunity to escape when Anti leaves him be for a while. All it takes is a well placed blow to the door for his strength to free him from the room. His legs are in serious need of regaining their previous skill. He makes a dash for it, nothing to lose. It's only a matter of working out where the exit is. Regardless of left or right, static is everywhere he turns. It grows louder to a disorientating degree. It deafens. His hood is the thing to doom him. One grab and he's being hauled back to square one.

"You call that an escape? Pathetic."

The violent crack of his left leg leaves it undoubtedly fractured. The damage is duplicated on his right for good measure. He's questioned on which bone has been targeted, formal name necessary. Oh, how is he supposed to know? Radius? That was a major limb bone. Anti promises that's the next one to go if he remains this ignorant.

His lack of medical expertise is what truly ruins his legs in the end. Being forced to set the bones himself is bad enough. Not having any doctor present makes it worse. Having been allowed a chance to inspect the injury, he finds it's worse than his shin. It's his knees that are beginning to swell.

To his arm's fortune, Anti generously dedicates himself to providing Jackie with an education. His lessons begin with Biology but that is swiftly rectified to involve more Science and History. Soon, it will be any subject Anti finds relevant.

As often as he can, Jackie talks back, mocking Anti's efforts to hurt him. He can take away everything he's known, isolate him in darkness and make him silently dream of freedom. Jackie can handle that. All he has to do is survive until his friends come or he feels capable of making another escape attempt. Jack, Marvin and Schneeplestein must be searching for him, right? They probably have little to go on but he knows they care enough to try whatever method available. So he fights back however he can.

Then he takes it too far. Then he uncovers Anti's bad side. The demon is naturally cruel but he's patient. You do not want to see him furious. Jackie regrets learning that the hard way. The first few apologizes that leave his lips as his head is pinned to the floor aren't entirely sincere. He's not sorry for what he said. He's just sorry he triggered action. His sincerity increases when the needle's first piercing of his lips is felt. It is only a matter of minutes before he stops speaking altogether. For good measure, he temporarily loses the privilege of free movement around the room.

Anti visits an eternity later, acting resentful that Jackie needs water to stay alive. His blinks are dazed when a knife frees him. His captor comments on how pathetic he looks as he gulps the contents of the bottle provided. He probably does but who cares. He's been dying for a drink for who knows how long. Presumably literally, when his mind focuses enough to reflect on it.

This may be the first time but it won't be the last. He certainly makes an effort to reduce the frequency from then on.

December is ushered in with chocolate. Jackie doesn't care about the tradition of advent calendars. They're for children, which he isn't, and he doesn't appreciate the way Anti explains them like they haven't been lurking in shops since before Halloween either. If he can predict the demon's way of thinking like he hopes he can, he believes he knows where this is going.

He's correct in his predictions. It is a month of stomach cramps, helplessly being revisited by the little he ate and fevers. He refuses as many meals as he can get away with. Other times, he gives in and eats for the sake of having something in his stomach. Maybe his mind is working overtime to be suspicious of everything but he swears Anti increases the dosage for days Jackie's stomach speaks for him.

Anti introduces him to a seasonally appropriate song. It's gentle enough to lull an exhausted person to sleep if they let their guard down. He doesn't fall for the trap. He should have, it probably would have been the only time the song would have positive connotations. All is not calm when it plays. Out of spite, he remains silent as the night.

Anti hands him a present on what he claims is Christmas Day. It's a cake filled with berries and decorated with seeds wrapped in leaves. No matter how much he wants to tell the demon where he could put the 'gift', he can't escape the truth. Jackie hasn't eaten in days, which is exactly what the manipulative bastard must have planned. Survival is survival, even if the negative consequences outweigh the positive. Food that will upset his stomach is better than no food.

He doesn't realise how counterproductive that is until the symptoms hit him. His heart needs to chill out already and it would be great if he had better control of his muscles too. He swears he'll catch his breath any minute now. Just as soon as his chest stops hurting. Something at the back of his mind is uncomfortable with the plan to sleep it off but he wants a break. This has been a particularly rough round. He deserves to allow himself a rest, right?

When he wakes, his muscles feel stiffer. His body feels more drained that he's used to in general. He learns about yew trees, of how pretty much everything but the flesh of its berries is toxic. How, if left untreated, it tended to prove fatal within hours. Things fall into place. He wonders how long Anti just left him there. He promises himself he'll toss the next meal he's given to the other side of the room. Maybe shove a few yew seeds into the demon's mouth and see how he likes it.

His friends are coming soon. It's been nearly two months but they must still be trying to work things out. If they took a break from searching for the holidays, he doesn't mind. He hopes the four of them enjoyed themselves. With any luck, he'll be witnessing what a proper Christmas is supposed to look like next year. He pictures it. It's better than dwelling on the truth of last few days. That would just drive him crazy. One thing's for sure, they are never learning of what his first experience of the holiday was like.

The second Anti realises he can exploit Jackie's naturally heightened senses, the hero is sent to another room. He despises the way his ears uselessly strain to hear anything. It's darker than what he's gotten used to as well. Left long enough, his head begins working against him. It's not real, what he sees, of course it isn't. He is once forgotten about for so long that he swears Marvin bursts the door open so Jack can tell him it's going to be okay as Dr Schneeplestein checks him over. He's so tempted to leave with them but it can't be reality. Anti wouldn't let them get that far.

It is unbearably satisfying to win a victory against his captor when he stumbles upon a loophole. He sings the song he and Jack had made inside jokes out of. It annoys Anti enough for him to deliver consequences. He may be robbed of his ability to see and to have anything to listen to but it's impossible to steal his sense of touch. There was always the option of destroying all neural connections but what use would the boy be then? None. He can feel the strings attached to his mouth and he can still feel pain. It's not a good victory in regular terms but any victory against Anti is a good one is Jackie's eyes.

He learns Spring is approaching when Anti mentions Easter. That was always in Spring, right? Christmas was always in December and that had passed. It must be after New Year's Day now, in the very least. The demon began speaking of how religious the Irish were and briefly explains Lent.

Jackie doesn't like the sound of fasting.

The Wednesday associated with ashes deprives him of any necessity. Then, to his absolute shock, the demon hands him a glass of water. It's a regular sized glass too. He is far from trusting of it at first. Given everything that's happened to him, he has every right to be wary. He only drinks it to get this bout of poisoning over. Perhaps he can power through it long enough this time to deny Anti the satisfaction of watching him suffer. However, hours pass and nothing happens. Nothing continues to happen as he accepts the single daily glass of fresh water offered to him throughout the week.

There is a catch, of course. The privilege of routinely quenching his thirst comes at the price of food. He is fasting after all, Anti reasons. Fasting was about endurance. Jackie couldn't be a hero if he was unable to endure, especially in challenging situations.

If he's going to be honest, the starvation wouldn't be too much of a problem. He's gone days without food before. Once the actual sensation of hunger disappears, it's manageable. He could do this. Water must keep people going in famines. Who's to say it wouldn't sustain him too?

Two more conditions are established. Being charitable, better known as giving alms, would manifest itself in utter obedience. After all, it was about time Jackie learned defiance was completely pointless. Additionally, while Anti didn't expect him to pray, he did assure him certain outbursts were even more encouraged than usual. Should Jackie wish to beg, call for the others to save him or confess his transgressions against his captor, Anti was welcome to hear it all.

Even if there was a way to observe the passage of time here, he would have rapidly lost count of the days. He can however measure the decline into chronic fatigue. His lessons carried on as normal, including Physical Education. One missed punch soon turns into several failed attempts until it was general lack of co-ordination. Every hit Anti lands becomes more successful in sending him to the ground. No matter how many times it happens, no matter how much effort it takes to do so, Jackie returns to his feet.

There comes a day when he experiences sudden dizziness, despite laying on the ground. Anti's nearby, his senses are sure of it. For that moment, he continued to rest on his back. If he was being allowed the luxury, he wasn't going to squander it. Even if that meant he risked further repercussions. Besides, his chest didn't feel right. Without warning, he blacks out.

Jackie wakes to Anti closer, practically seated next to him. The unbearable weariness of resurrection informs him of the unfortunate nature of his spontaneous 'nap'. The boy shifts the slightest amount. His captor immediately looms over him.

"32 days." The glitching demon looks thoughtful for all of half a second. His cruel grin takes pride in his next words. "Pathetic. Most can make it to 50 days. There are some who can reach over 70. But here you are, pretending to be a hero, unable to survive even 5 weeks. A real hero would last long enough to break the record of 116 days. You barely achieved a quarter of that. What kind of hero are you?"

The following two weeks proceed the same as the previous five. Living in anticipation of water, fainting unexpectedly and being revived. He doesn't understand what makes the Friday so good when it steals his hydration benefits. Two glasses of water later, Anti is proud of him.

Upon being congratulated, Jackie comes to the realisation it was over. Had he done it? He had! Oh, thank God. He was doubtful of how much longer he could endure the cycle. The praise disorientates him.

Even more confusing is the glitch presenting him with his prize. A small creature is placed on his lap. The fur is nice to touch, steady breaths are felt when he holds a hand in front of what he can only assume is its face and the ears are longer than he was anticipating. A rabbit, it was a rabbit. Sure, he was vaguely aware the animal was associated with the holiday but... he hadn't been prepared for a rabbit.

Against the boy's better judgement, he succumbs to the temptation of making the most of his reward. He had to admit, Anti didn't have to supply the water or gift him the animal. Part of him reasons it would be rude to ignore his captor's attempts to be civil. He cherishes the soft fur, desperately staying awake for as long as he can with it. He's not stupid enough to believe this is permanent. He fights the pulls of drowsiness, rabbit clutched to his chest. Ultimately, despite his best efforts, he is too weak to oppose his body. He wakes to his comfort gone.

Anti returns it by unceremoniously tossing it before him, sticky and unnaturally stiff. It's eventually removed when he refuses to interact with the corpse. The boy is not surprised when he is given food with an unspecified meat. He's not stupid. Of course it's what he thinks it is. Why should he eat anything with meat? In fact, why should he eat anything Anti provides him in future? All this fasting had taught him was he could live without food. Of course, he'd be constantly tired and unable to really put up much of a fight. The point was he could die and wake up, over and over, until Anti got bored. The demon takes notice.

"You're so smart, aren't you? A clever little boy." Anti stops stroking his hair to grasp it. His smile fades as abruptly. "But no-one likes a know-it-all."

He gets his comeuppance. He supposes he deserves it for trying to outsmart Anti.

The boy doesn't understand what he's watching when shown footage of the house. It's Jack and Marvin with an ego he doesn't recognise. They're all just... sitting there, watching something on TV and being friendly with each other. Which is fine. He's not expecting them to spend every second of the day looking for him. Come on, he's not selfish. For all he knows, they're just taking their mind off what they hope isn't happening to their friend. It's probably fake anyway. That's what Anti does, he gets a kick out of screwing with his head.

The new guy's name is Chase Brody. Good for him. What does he care? It isn't like Sean had to deliberately choose to make Chase. While the boy has been here. For at least five months. Possibly six. Possibly so much longer.

He calls Anti a glitchy bastard to his face. Screw him for trying to convince him he's been forgotten about. It throws him for a loop when nothing happens. Perhaps the satisfaction of his student's reaction is enough of a reward. Well, congratulations, he got what he wanted. But the others are coming. They'll work out how to find him eventually. They have to. The boy can't exactly make a run for it himself, thanks to his knees. That was the whole goddamn point of ruining them. Maybe they're close to cracking it. Maybe Chase has some expertise that can help them. Chase, who is definitely not his replacement. Why on earth would he think that?

His birthday comes, bursting with celebratory activities. Seventeen to be exact. Anything he's dealt with since arriving is eligible to be repeated. He is presented with an exam to acknowledge the academic year drawing to a close. If he got a question wrong, there was an appropriate penalty. The cake is no prize for completing the test and neither is a trip to his 'favourite' room. He'd like to insist Anti really didn't have to reverse the treatment so the boy was bombarded.

Amongst other things, he is bestowed the privilege of a hot shower. He doesn't dare admit he prefers shivering until he feels queasy. Why should he complain? Anti was acting nice for his birthday. So what if his shoulders and arms turned pink? He probably deserved it for being ungrateful enough to desire heat those previous times.

There comes a period where Anti is gone for far longer than usual. He wants to believe it's been days but time is a strange concept by now. So much so that he could either be told it had only been an hour or it was nearly December again and he'd believe both statements. Regardless of how long Anti had been gone, the boy was alone.

As usual, being left in silence is hell on his senses. He would kill for an incessantly ticking clock, just to have some relief. The only thing he can pick up is someone else's voice. It's deeper than his so it couldn't be Anti's. Much to his ears' annoyance, he strains them further to solve the mystery of who the voice belonged to. His mouth goes dry when he catches a German accent.

Now he knew Dr Schneeplestein was here, he couldn't let him stay as long as he had. With only himself to save, he'd become a little complacent. However, Anti had to rest at some point. He decides to take advantage of that time. He gets as far as reaching for the sleeping doctor's shoulders before the sound of static causes him to flinch.

"I thought you were a clever boy. But it looks I can't trust you to behave."

Anti drags him back to the room he hates the most. His captor's sigh is the worst sound he could hear in this context. If the boy couldn't do as he was told, there was no choice but to take better precautions to ensure this was an isolated event. Whatever he's expecting, it's not slit ankles. When Anti leaves, he tests his legs. Neither foot can push off the ground to perform even the simplest step. None of his bones are broken. That said, he could sense a certain disconnect in the joint.

The boy is promised he can be redeemed if he participates in some birthday celebrations. The next ego to appear after him was... Marvin. Shit, what was Anti doing with Marvin? Were he and the doctor not enough? He asks if the other person will be harmed. At confirmation they won't, he accepts the offer. It turns out to be a standard Biology lesson. Anti apologizes for not preparing properly. While it was customary to use say, a frog, one wasn't available. Time was too short to rectify the oversight. He had been planning to use a cadaver so they would have to do without other now-necessary equipment. The shrug is casual but the scalpel begs to differ.

Anti takes his time. It takes everything not to give him a response. Focus on believing in Steve and maybe it will stop soon. Breathe slower and maybe it will become slow enough so he won't have to for a while. Ignore everything Anti shows him and maybe he'll give up. He's never been so thankful for the off switch being flicked. Once conscious again, he is positioned in a way that suggests he was thrown and abandoned. His torso aches from incisions. His insides feel wrong and misaligned somehow.

It's the final straw. The boy can't let Anti keep abusing him like this. Somehow he's got to escape without the demon being alerted. The best time to evade detection is when he's occupied with someone else. Which means he has to sacrifice either Marvin or Schneeplestein. He'll be back for them, he swears.

It happens to be the doctor he has to use as the distraction. As soon as he lasers a hole in the door, he searches for Marvin while he has the opportunity. The magician cannot be found. Regrettably, he has to postpone Marvin's salvation too. He's so sorry. He's not a hero, however much he liked to play the part before all this. The consequences of waiting any longer aren't worth it. Anti would probably resort to amputation or something similar if he didn't leave right now.

The first breath of fresh air he takes in months mocks him. So does the realisation that the sun isn't a theoretical concept. He's never seen a sunrise so insultingly gorgeous. Never mind all the things the boy took for granted. He has to get home. He has to save Marvin and Schneeplestein, even if it means exchanging himself for their guaranteed safe return.

The boy goes against his purpose when he deliberately breaks into a Next. All he needs is a fresh top and a pair of trousers. He doesn't want to show up in the tattered mess that was his suit. Besides, he recognises this shopping center. He's visited the coffee shop here multiple times. Even better, it was near the River Shannon. He's missed admiring her on the bridge. All he needs to do is cross it and keep following the road until he reaches home. He's so close.

Hope comes from Sean's Bar. If he's reached it then home is only down the street. Please, oh please. If he can just be granted permission to sit on Sean's sofa for a few minutes, he'll be beyond grateful. He usually sided with Jack but Sean shouldn't turn him away, right? He wasn't a completely bad guy as far as the boy's memory serves. Five minutes and he'll be out of his hair.

Hope vanishes when a voice that is clearly not Sean's answers the buzzer. He panics momentarily, wondering if he's hit the wrong button and disturbed a stranger unnecessarily. But no, he definitely rang Flat 12. A woman chastises him for bothering her this late. He learns Sean hasn't lived at this address in months. She doesn't know where he is now.

He spots a house with no cars parked beside it. He knows he shouldn't but he takes his chances. The boy gets lucky. With nobody home, he accesses a laptop. It takes longer than it should, no thanks to his lack of practise, but he eventually gets into the account. And oh, isn't the internet a wonderful thing. Within an hour, he's discovered he has to travel to Brighton, England and what the fastest way there is. Athlone to Dublin, Cherbourg, Portsmouth then finally Brighton. It will involve two ferries and an overwhelming amount of walking. However, it's better than other options. God knows stowing away on a ferry is safer than on a plane.

He doesn't know what he's doing, breaking into someone's home, hacking their devices then planning to be a stowaway. Yet, he would have otherwise stayed lost forever. Besides, it's roughly 26 hours to reach Dublin's port from here then another 15 hours by foot from Portsmouth to find Brighton. If he sleeps with one eye open, he may be able to get a few hours in before heading out.

Somewhere between Rochfortbridge and Milltownpass, his flight gives out. He finds branches and utilises them as he endures on until he reaches the bog. The boy refuses to rest on the second night of his journey. It's not long before dawn by the time he reaches Dublin. The branches are swapped for crutches before departing for France. He collapses and stays on the ground for the entire cruise. There isn't as much time to do so when destined for England.

Survive, just survive. He's already made it this far. What's 15 hours of 'walking' compared to the rest of what he's gone through? The sun passes the baton to the moon and then takes it back. He suspects it's during the hottest hours of the day when he spots a beach. Brighton, he had finally made it to Brighton. He considers messaging Sean to make things easier for himself. Then again, this was the guy who replaced him with another ego and moved out of Ireland while he was still missing. He ultimately decides against it. How large could one seaside town be? Sean's home could be found eventually, with it access to his own home.

He stumbles upon the gateway to his world accidentally. The house is different from how he remembers it. It's grown, likely to accommodate his replacement and any others he's not aware of. But it's hopefully still similar to the home he left behind. He couldn't bear to return to somewhere unrecognisable. He stands there, palm weakly banging on the door. An ego wearing a cap answers. The boy's pretty sure they've never met before. This must be him.

"Yeah?" Cap Guy is surprised by his appearance. He doesn't blame him. God knows what shape he's in. "Whoa, you look like you had a rough time in your video." Video, what video? Does he not know one of his own had been missing? "Please let me in. I can't remember the last time I... the last time I, uh..." Ate. He's forgotten when the last time he ate was. Or drank something, for that matter. And dear God, he would be grateful for a chance to crash on their floor for a minute. "Who is it, Chase? Is it Sean? Tell him he can turn around and never come back." He vaguely recalls that voice. But it's only just in earshot and he's so exhausted. "I don't know. I think he might be a new one." Chase notices the unsteadiness. The boy's arm is guided around the unfamiliar ego's shoulder. "It's okay, dude, I've got you." "He better not be making new egos. If he fucking thinks he can do that after everything he's pulled, Sean's got another thing coming. The zombie was bad enough." "Marv, I could use your help."

He barely manages to catch a glimpse of Marvin before his legs buckle and his mind switches off.

Memories of what a bed feels like flood in. There's something in his arm and another thing wrapped around his hand. What had he done to impress Anti enough for him to bestow him the luxury of a bed? He had gone crazy enough to dream of an arduous journey to England. It had been so vivid, almost as if it had actually happened. But that would have meant leaving. As if he was capable of that.

"Hey Jackie, you waking up there? I'd love it if you could open your eyes for me."

He obeys the soft-spoken voice's coaxing. It's a fake Marvin in what pretends to be the infirmary back home. He's probably been dumped in the deprivation room again. That would explain it. He likes this illusion though. It's nice to imagine he's back to his old life.

"Oh, thank God. At least you're okay." Not-Marvin's smile is gentle. He hates it. "So... long time, no see, huh?" "Uh huh. You know where the real Marvin and Schneeplestein are? I need to get them out." "What? No, this is real. I'm real. Jackie, come on, look at me. You're home." "Jackie?"

Jackie. It doesn't feel right. He hasn't been Jackie since, well, the start of November. Except, his name was Jackie. It's always been Jackie. All that he's experiencing couldn't be falsified. Even the most realistic visions didn't use his name. They'd always called him things like 'buddy' and 'dude'.

Marvin states it's September 22nd 2017. Ten months and three weeks. He's been gone for ten months and three weeks. How many days even was that? So many more than the three and a half months he had here before disappearing. Who knows how much he's missed since then. At least Marvin was here. He hopes Angus is doing alright. Man, he's really looking forward to seeing Jack again too. He's probably recording a video at the moment.

The two friends chat for a while. Jackie lets the magician lead. No point risking aggravating him unintentionally. They had looked for him. There had simply been too many dead ends and they were gradually losing hope of ever getting a result. Marvin tells him about Bastet the cat and the rabbit whose full name was Tim the Enchanter. Jackie wouldn't mind meeting Bastet. Tim, he'd have to work his way up to.

Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end. Jackie makes a innocent comment about how Jack must be busy on a video if he hasn't come to visit yet. He is apologetic for causing Marvin's face to fall. With a heavy sigh, the magician admits he was wondering when the subject would be brought up. All he can tell Jackie is that Jack was unavailable. He'd show him exactly what happened as soon as he recovers a little.

As promised, he's allowed out of bed later that week. It's not close in the slightest to what he'd theorised. Jack is connected to all these wires. He's breathing through a mask. A coma? A freaking coma?! Sure, the last time they had seen each other it had also been here. But he'd been conscious. Jack had been perfectly awake and pissed off at Sean.

Where even was Sean in all this? Jackie hadn't seen him around either.

"Is Sean like this too?" "No. I'm not saying I wish he was the one in that position. That would be a shitty thing to want. But it would be easier to get on with life if he wasn't able to ruin it by pulling his usual crap." Marvin must notice the instinctively suppressed flinch. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. But just look at him. How can you not be mad?" "I- How? When?" "August 3rd. He was about to record a video but apparently wasn't feeling great. Went to Henrik to see if he could help then... Schneep hit the panic button. The door was locked and trust me, I tried every spell I could think of to get to them. Chase was there too. Nothing worked. Nothing. It opened on its own. And there he was. We can't do much else other than keep him comfortable. We update his drip with Henrik's back up supply but that's running out. I'd ask Sean for a way to get more but it's not like he's ever really done anything helpful for us." "Schneep's missing." "Yeah. Mr Glitch Bitch himself took him while he tried to save Jack's life. You... haven't seen him, have you? I've been wondering whether he kept you in the same place."

Yes, Jackie's seen their doctor. Seen him and betrayed him. He used him to escape. Who knows what he was being put through at that very moment? Knowing Anti, he was likely taking his frustrations of losing Jackie out on Schneeplestein. The plan was to get home, regain strength and then attempt a rescue. It seemed the doctor would have to wait. Whatever it takes, he is not going to be at Anti's disposal for nearly 11 months. Jackie is going to earn his role.

That's going to take a long time if Marvin directing him to a chair and asking him to breathe becomes a common occurrence.

Angus drops by the infirmary briefly and Jackie's glad to see him. It means a lot to know he's made the effort. However, Jackie cuts the visit short. All he can concentrate on is the memories of when it was just the three of them. That month before Marvin entered the picture. The hunter wasn't always invested in the socialisation and it could lead to awkward evenings but on his best days, Jackie had begun to really warm to him. But, of course, it never been Jackie and Angus. There was Jack and Angus, Jack and Jackie or the trio. Jack was the missing link and it showed. So he lies about how tired he is. He can always make up for it later.

He's soon permitted to sleep in his old bedroom. Everything in the house has changed. There's new egos, Marvin has pets and Jack is comatose. The doors to their rooms have personal symbols painted on them. Jackie's is left blank. The room itself is pretty much how he left it. They've basically preserved it like some dumb time capsule. The only new things are the presents and envelopes that he suspects contain cards. 'Happy birthday, Jackie! We miss you.' in what is undeniably Jack's handwriting? No, the tag gets ripped off the wrapping paper immediately. The gifts and cards are hastily removed from the bedside table they were lying on.

Jackie questions whether he should visit Jack's room. He knows the guy had a habit of keeping photographs. He's curious to know who was in the current occupant of the frame he owned. He wouldn't mind lying on his bed too, give it a purpose for once. On second thought, the bedroom would be as devoid of life as his own. Plus, the bed would be cold.

Jackie instead finds the video posted on July 10th 2016. The thumbnail is so fake, simply Sean posing heroically for the image. Jackie clicks regardless. His creator recites his introduction before welcoming the audience to the game. The first glitch appears. The boy pathetically clamps his eyes shut in response. Device beside him, he simply listens as the audio runs.

"-this time, I was getting all freaked out the last time, I was getting all scared, and I was acting like a little cry baby. So this time, I've got a special solution: I'm not going to be scared anymore because I am going to morph into a superhero!"

He peeks at the dramatic montage of him changing into his costume for the first time. This was it, the beginning of the superhero made to be fearless, made to face danger head on with little consideration for the consequences. He was supposed to be someone whose confidence was something to admire. People should look to him for inspiration in conquering the things holding them back. He wasn't meant to act like a little cry baby.

And yet, laying on his bedroom floor with hands covering his face, Jackie can do nothing but sob.

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 21: What Only Lives in Memory

Chapters: 21/? Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Teen And Up Warnings: Mention of past sexual assault, Mention of past murder Relationships: Loki x Reader (Let’s try this again) Characters: Loki (Marvel), Reader, Brunnhilde(Marvel),  Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Here Comes Self-Reflection, Reader Had a Rough Time During the Snap, Loki Tries to Figure Himself Out Summary: Loki moves things forward, while reader reveals the past.

“Hey! Hey, you kidnapping bastard! Give me my daughter back, asshole!”

“That's about the reaction I expected, yes.” Loki said, holding on to his composure in the face of your enraged father. He was an entire ocean away, and merely a mortal man of no consequence, but there was still some intimidation involved. Loki wanted a favor from this man; information. Also, there was something...important, about not being hated by your father, specifically. “Alas, I cannot. It's isn't safe for her, I'm afraid. Her health would deteriorate once more.”

“Yeah, the spandex squad said the same thing. They said it was some kind of magic? Sounds like bullshit to me.”

“You have lived through invasions by both extraterrestrials, and robots, yet you find magic difficult to believe in?” Loki pointed out.

“Yeah, well, you can punch an alien or a robot.”

“I dare say, one can punch a sorcerer as well.”

“Oho? She's been throwing hands?”

Loki cleared his throat. “Your daughter has been...most emphatic on several points.”

Your father drew himself up with pride. “Good. You best listen. And you'd damn well better be treating her right!”

“Actually, that is why I wished to speak with you. I would like advice on how to treat her more properly. Specifically, I will be remodeling her room into a more permanent residence, and I wish to know what kind of things she likes to have in her home.”

Your father remained quiet for a few long moments.

“So she's really not coming back.” He said finally. “Damn. I know all girls eventually leave, but she just seemed happy where she was...” He sighed. “Okay, fine. If it's gotta be up to you to take care of her now, then listen up. She likes doodlin' so get her some art supplies. She likes them little fairy lights. If you're getting her decorative things, she likes birds, and seashells, and flowers. No pets. She doesn't like having little things underfoot. Get her some houseplants, but only if they have bright colors, or make flowers.”

“How about toiletries? Does she have a preference?”

“Eh, more flowery stuff. Whatever's on sale, usually, but you can do better than that, can't you? The most flowery stuff you can find. Candles or potpourri, or whatever. Uh, she likes Pokemon. Don't know how much that helps you.”

“It would help me more if I knew what that was, but I'm sure I can find out.”

“It's some video game about fantasy animals. It's easy to find. Oh, and she likes space too. Stars and constellations and stuff. Likes learnin' about what's out there.”

“Oh, I know.” Loki said, perhaps a little too confidently. Your father glared. “But not too well.” He added. “Space. It is a good subject. There is much out there.”

Silence stretched out uncomfortably.

“How is she, really?” Your father asked.

“Distressed. That is why I am doing this. A great many things have happened to her in too short a time, so I am attempting to counter them with comfort. Her illness has all but disappeared, but we must remain within a mile or so of one another, and cannot be separated for more than a few hours at that distance before she begins to deteriorate. Were you told of the assassin?”

“Yeah. I was told she wasn't badly hurt, and that you caught the bastard.”

“Correct on both counts. She suffered a cut, but it has healed completely, and he will be facing justice eventually. I may still curse him into an early grave though, no matter what his sentence ends up being. Hmm. Perhaps forget I said that.”

“Nah, no one's hearing a peep from me.” Your father fidgeted as a gray cat peeked its head into the screen. “No Momo! Get down from there. Hey look, if she's gotta stay with you from now on, there's some things you oughta know. She's got some...problems. There were some major health issues that ran in her mother's side of the family; brain tumors mostly. Took her mom and her aunt while she was still pretty young. She hadn't shown any signs of it, but two or so years ago, she had this weird episode...Started insisting that everyone was dead, and the world was ending. The doctor didn't find any evidence of tumors, but said she was acting like someone who had gone through some kind of traumatic experience. No one could figure out what happened. She was fine one day, and the next, she'd completely changed. Got way more aggressive, kinda obsessed with food, has panic attacks over some of the weirdest things. And whenever something bad happens, she goes from one hundred percent ready to fight, to meek and numb in seconds.”

“I...have observed some of those behaviors, yes.” So this was what it looked like from the outside. Someone who had survived the Snap and remembered it must seem to others as if some great change had come over them. An entire year lived like that would not leave someone the same as they had been before. It was a shame Loki could not tell him what had happened. That your father would never understand you like he did. That he didn't even truly understand you.

You were just about as alone in this world as he was, weren't you?

“So if you've got some kind of magic health care over there, just keep an eye on her brain, okay?”

“As you say. I shall keep a special watch over her mind. I appreciate you telling me this. All of this. It will be most helpful.”

“Yeah well, as long as you take good care of her, I can't complain. Still hate you though.”

Loki smiled smugly. “I would expect nothing else.”

                                                                             *****

Loki spent his time between meetings searching through various storage rooms for furnishings. He'd found a very nice rug; blue and green and silver, patterned with knotwork and ravens. Bedding was a bit more difficult: you felt the cold more keenly, and needed either more, or heavier blankets. He was having trouble finding good matches, however. He didn't just want to throw things together like some kind of motley. You weren't a peasant anymore, and you should have better.

But just for now, maybe the brick red bed set didn't clash with the green and blue that much?

In the end, he was able to gather plenty of  bird-themed items, mostly ravens, eagles, and swans, and no shortage of floral décor. He commissioned a space-themed mural for one of your walls, though he knew it would take several weeks to finish. There were very few seashells to be had, but he did manage to procure a small hand mirror that was shaped like a scallop.

Perhaps this would do for now?

He called for Saldis and two others to carry things back you your room, stood back and supervised while they laid things out. Fairy lights and Pokemon would have to wait until he figured out what they were, and where he could get them.

As the servants put everything into place, Loki was drawn to your desk, and the little stack of books there. Astronomy, of course. That made perfect sense. A history of Iceland. Good idea. The collected tragedies of Shakespeare. Good stories, all of them, but perhaps not the best reading material for someone of your delicate mental state. Ah, there it was. World mythology.

Brunnhilde said you had mentioned something about a mythology book that had led you to believe some mixed up things. Well, what did it say?

He picked up the book, leafing through it as the servants moved around him, hanging artworks on the blank walls, a pair of flower-themed lamps replacing the old one, rolling out the rug.

The temperature began to fall while he read the entry about himself, stone-faced, but radiating a quiet anger that everyone in the room could feel. The servants slowly came to a halt, staring at him in silent worry.

“Sire?” One of them finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper. His eyes snapped up from the book to look at them, and all three flinched back.

“You.” He said, pointing. “And you. Out.”

Both women hurried for the door, throwing apologetic looks over their shoulders at Saldis, who stood in place, bewildered and a little frightened.

“Saldis...Odasdottir, was it?”

“Yes, your Highness!” She squeaked.

“You can speak English.”

“Yes, your Highness! Fluently, Your Highness!”

“A useful skill. More importantly, can you read English? I trust you know not to lie to me.”

“No, Your Highness! No more than a few words! I have Roskva translate for me!”

“I see.” He snapped the book shut with a loud clap.”So you know nothing of the contents of this book?”

“No, Your Highness! Seidkona _____ asked for English language books, so I just brought back all that the library had! I don't know what any of them are about!”

“This one is full of slander.” Loki seethed. Saldis began backing away. “Written by our enemies to defame us, clearly. I will be confiscating it.”

Saldis began stammering apologies, but Loki held up a single finger to silence her. There were no lies in what she said. She was no saboteur.“If you did not know, you cannot be blamed. However, I would be alone for a time.”

She took the dismissal for what it was, vacating the room in an undisguised hurry. Loki could just barely hear Andsvarr asking her what was wrong, as he stalked to his room and threw the book into the fireplace. Drivel! A poison of words, pouring into your eyes, into your mind. No wonder you were so frightened!

God of Evil? Ridiculous! Evil wasn't something one could be a god of; it was a nebulous concept that changed from culture to culture, and across time. Anyone was capable of it, but none could rule it. And that nonsense with the horse... He didn't even know anyone named Angrboda! Where had all that come from?

He had been to Midgard once before New York, when he was a child, long before these concrete forests had sprung up in the place of the wooden ones. It had seemed like a very different world then, the storytellers weaving magic into their tales, spinning their words into decorative knots. He'd learned of the concepts of kennings and flyting from them...Was this what they had seen in him, or did it have some symbolic meaning, lost over the centuries? Did they see him as evil?

Or was it what had happened after? The burying of the old ways under the name of another god? Was that what had painted him in such a dark way? Or perhaps the author of the book had written it after the events in New York. Humanity had plenty of reason to consider him evil then, and a great many still did.

It didn't really matter right now. What mattered was that this had been influencing your perceptions of him, and now he had to reverse that. The room would be a very good start, a step in making this a real, permanent home for you. He would find out everything you needed, everything you wanted. He was a prince. He was a god! He could provide.

He sat down on his fluffy rug, watching the book slowly blacken and curl. It did matter. It mattered because it was part of the reason you weren't here. And he felt it now, now that you were gone, every minute making him more and more aware that you weren't there. There was a little, human shaped hole in the world, that only you fit into, and you were out of place.

When had you become important? He could no longer deny that you were. Honesty with the self was among the coping exercises he and Thor had had to adopt, once they realized that they absolutely had to be in this together. It was quite possibly one of the hardest things for him to do, to admit everything to himself, to open himself back up to all the emotion.

In the beginning, after he had been returned from death, all his walls had come down. Those had been hard times; he was nearly inconsolable, everything he had been through in such a short time was all there, up front. All the grieving he hadn't been able to do, all the anger and resentment, the self-loathing and loss of identity. Everything he'd never gotten the chance to heal from had all come down on him, all at once, and he'd thought he'd never stop crying again.

But once he had been given the chance to confront all those things, to work through them, to finally, properly mourn, when he'd put himself back together, and run dry of tears-and when Thor had done the same-that was when they had both decided to take the steps necessary to be better than they had been. For the people. For each other. And for themselves.

Communication with the self was easily just as difficult as communication with each other. Neither of them exactly had the hang of it yet, and it led them to mistakes like this. Mistakes like Loki believing that everything was just fine between you and himself because he wanted so badly to believe that it was. Tricking himself into thinking that your actions and reactions were those of a person in need of support and comfort from him, instead of a person who was afraid of him.

Five years ago, he would have seen it for exactly what it was, but he had been trying so hard to leave that version of himself in the past, where it belonged. He needed to be better now.

He needed to admit that you were important. He needed to understand why. You represented something to him; some kind of redemption. If he could take care of you, he could prove something to everyone, including himself. What was that thing? What did he need to prove? That he could be responsible?

That he was what he said he was. That he was worthy of being what he said he was. A Prince. A Ruler. A Leader. A Provider. A Man.

Not a monster.

He could give you everything. And he felt that you might even deserve it, you who had lost your mother, and then your world, and then your health, and then your autonomy. He could give you everything, and he kind of wanted to. But he had to step back now and take a different approach. It had to be for you, as much as it was for him.

He watched the book burn until it was an unrecognizable lump, thinking of ways to be better for you. Then he left his quarters in search of his brother. He had an idea that would set at least some of your fears at ease.

He passed Brunnhilde on the way, the Valkyrie carrying a sandwich on a plate. He stopped, then followed her.

“Is that for her?” He asked. “Because she hates that.”

“What? Well then what does she like?” Brunnhilde demanded. Loki listed a few things off the top of his head, and Brunnhilde headed back to the kitchen. “Guess I'll eat this one then. Heard you terrorized some of the maids.”

“I suspected one of them might be a saboteur. I was glad to find otherwise. I discovered a source of _____'s fear. That book you said she mentioned; I found it and I destroyed it. It will trouble none of us again.”

“That might not look good, you know. Might look like you're trying to destroy the evidence.”

“What evidence?” He sneered. “It was worthless. It was...do you even know what it said? It was like a parody, and it was deceiving her. I will find her other books.”

“You can't just curate her reading material you know.” Brunnhilde said, making another sandwich. “Not if you don't want to seem so controlling.”

Loki added a cup of skyr to the plate, and a spoon of redcurrant jam on top. “I'm not going to. I'm thinking of taking her into the nearest town, and visiting a bookstore. She can choose her own books, and not be stuck reading the same few over and over. I've already seen to her room, and so all that's left is to let her get some things of her own choice.”

Brunnhilde nodded. “That's better.”

“So, how are the Valkyries coming along? You mentioned a Buridag demonstration?” Loki asked, following her back out of the kitchens.

“About as well as can be expected for only having a year of training. There's a lot of work to be done, catching them all up. Lucky for us, most of them naturally gravitated towards combat lifestyles. The twins have a long way to go though.”

“Twins?”

“Valda and Velda. They're only about three hundred years old. They're having to start from scratch, but I can see the power in them. They're the real deal. They are also tiny children who can barely lift their own swords, and definitely can't wear armor. We can't have a demonstration without them, but there isn't much they can physically do. Maybe if I play up how important standard-bearing is, they won't put up a fuss.”

“One can hope.” Loki said with a smile. “Sibling rivalry can be a tough thing to navigate.”

“They get along well. Just because you and your brother had a rivalry for the storybooks, it doesn't mean everybody does. Speaking of, did Saga ever get back to you?”

“Yes. She's chosen fully sixteen texts to translate, and she will be doing each of them in seven languages. She's so happy. I was thinking of asking her to expedite the English translations, but I wonder if that isn't a little too selfish.”

“Well, technically, you're thinking of someone else, so it isn't 'selfish' exactly...” They stopped outside Brunnhilde's rooms. “Well, your Highness. You have some work to do, and I have some mouths to feed, so here is where we part.”

                                                                     *****

“Dinnertime!” Brunnhilde announced, and you hopped up to receive it. Everything looked very tasty this time, and you tucked in without preamble. You'd worked pretty hard again today, not quite as hard as when you were practicing magic, but hard enough. The bath had been wonderfully relaxing on your sore muscles, but had done nothing for your appetite.

You should exercise now, eh? Surely this was a good start.

“So...” Brunnhilde said. “You're not a good liar.”

“Hrm?” You asked around a bite of sandwich.

“Whatever you told Borgljot, you've been in combat before.”

“Mrm.” You said, swallowing your bite. “Well, about that...I don't know if I would call it combat exactly...and besides, I didn't lie.”

“Oh? Oh. Because it technically didn't happen?”

“Yeah. Things went to hell during the Event, you know that. I can't imagine it was a walk in the park for you either.”

“Wasn't great. You wanna talk about it?”

You stopped eating. “I never have before.”

“You never had someone who believed you before either, did you?”

“Sure didn't.” You said quietly. “It's just, you know, everyone went a little crazy I think. You can't face a devastation like that and stay totally sane. And nobody really knew what to do. The guys were a pain in my ass, but there was this one guy specifically...his wife and kid turned to dust in his arms, and I think he just went completely insane. But quietly; no one noticed. He was always very nice to me, and normally, he wouldn't hurt a fly, but...he kinda started fixating on me.”

Everywhere you were, there he was. Being helpful. Complimentary. Said you reminded him of her.

“At first I thought it was a good thing. It kept the other guys from bugging me too much. See, out of three hundred and forty of us, only about sixty-seven made it through the Event, and only about a third of those were women. Some of those guys didn't even try to pretend that they weren't being predatory. But he kept the others away, and I appreciated it. For a while.”

Never saying anything creepy, but simply always being there, always ready to help out. You never found out how he scared the other men away.

“We had to try to keep farming in order to survive, but half the seeds had turned to dust too. We probably would have been okay, if the fields hadn't died, but we had almost nothing. Everyone was desperate. I was in charge of the potatoes. Had a good patch of them growing out in the East fields. One day, when I went out to tend to them, he followed me. Guess he just...finally hit that breaking point. Came onto me, using her name. When I told him off, he full-on attacked me.”

Mad-eyed, tearing at your clothes, sobbing and crying a dead woman's name.

“He wouldn't stop, so...”

Panic gave you the strength to knock him to the ground, desperation gave you the instinct to bring the sharp edge of your garden hoe down on his head.

“So I killed him. Chopped his head in half. I know what that looks like now.”

You didn't know when you had started trembling, but it was making your voice quiver.

“You were defending yourself.” Bunnhilde said. “It's a terrible, harsh edge of reality, and a shame that you had to see it. But you came through. Not gonna say it's okay, because it's not. But you came through.”

“It's...I think my problem is that I don't even think that's the worst part.” You said. “It's that, technically, it never happened. He's fine now. He's alive, his wife, his kids, all alive and well, and going about their lives. He's just like I remember him from before it all happened; sweet and harmless. He comes in to the bakery sometimes, after our cornbread. I'm sure he worries about me, because that's just the kind of person he is.”

“Well that's-”

“I hate him.” You interrupted. “I hate him so much. I should be glad that it all got erased. I should be glad that he's not a predator, and that I'm not a murderer. But I'm just so angry! He gets to have his family, and his sanity, and his life, and go happily about his business, and I have to remember what he did! What I did! It's horrible, isn't it? I shouldn't feel like this!”

“Honestly? I feel like it would be more wrong if you didn't.” Brunnhilde reached across the distance to take your hand. “None of this should be easy to accept. How long ago was it, that Thor crashed on this planet? Seven? That's seven years for your whole world to realize that there's more people out in the universe, get attacked by those other people, get nearly wiped out by one of those other people. Then a small percentage of you has to find out that even reality itself can be malleable. And then on top of that, you, individually, have to deal with mans inhumanity to man, and that is all a terrible burden to put on such small, human shoulders.”

“I'm going to be a seidkona.” You declared. “Just as soon as I figure out how. I'm taking this as an opportunity to leave that all behind. I never have to see that guy again. I don't have to hold on to the hatred. I don't have to project it onto other people, I can start moving forward again.”

“You don't have to push.” Brunnhilde warned. “You'll burn yourself out. Set your own pace. You don't have to do everything at once, in fact, you probably shouldn't.”

“Where should I start then?” You asked. Once you had decided something, you were always full of energy and raring to go. But maybe she was right. There was a lot to do, and if you tried to do it all at once, you'd get overwhelmed.

“What all do you have to do? What tasks and goals are on your mind?” Brunnhilde asked. “and out of those, what are the simplest or easiest?”

“Um. I've got to...I've gotta learn how to use this knife. And my magic, gotta learn that. I should learn the language. Gotta be ready for the trial, I'm pretty sure I'll have to testify. Kinda torn there, I mean, I want that guy to go straight to jail forever, but I don't wanna be in the same room with him ever again? I gotta... research seidkonas. Learn about the past ones, what they did, how they worked. I gotta...I gotta go back to my room. Make up with his Highness. I have to, but also, I want to.”

“You looked at your palm. “Gotta learn more about this thing, if there is any more to learn. Gotta...Gotta yell at Beli! He's the one that spread this whole seidkona rumor around, isn't he? Only him and Loki knew; I didn't even know! And then everybody knew except for me! That is not right!”

“Oh don't yell at old Beli.” Brunnhilde said, pointing at your food. You took the hint and began eating again. “For one thing, it's a waste of breath. So, out of those things, what is easiest? What will you start with?”

“Um. Well, you'd think going back to my room and making up with Loki would be easiest, but in reality, it's terrifying. Probably can't research if I can't read the language. The trial can't be prioritized; it'll just happen when it happens. So, looks like knife is the only choice.”

“Well, there you go. I also have a suggestion. You should have a better grasp of your surroundings. If you'd like, I'll get someone to show you around. Also, if you have hobbies, you know, something you just do for fun, then you should do that a little bit.”

“...I'd like to bake something, if that's all right? I used to do that for a living, and I really enjoyed it too.”

“I'm sure that can be arranged. Let's go do that in the morning.”

[charminglatina]

THIS IS AN EXTRA LONG POST!

I have written two previous posts about why Bughead is one of the worst ships on television right now (check the Anti-Bughead tag on this site and you will be able to see them). Like I stated in my previous posts, there are many reasons to dislike Bughead as a couple. Every time I say that I’m done listing my reasons for disliking this couple, more reasons just continue to pop up in my mind. Here’s another 10+ reasons why I don’t ship Bughead and why they are currently one of the worst written couples on television.

Bughead is a rebound relationship: The fundamental truth is that Bughead’s relationship is a rebound relationship. Are we just going to conveniently forget about the fact that for over ten memorable years, Betty was entirely in overwhelming love with Archie and had planned on wanting to be with him in a romantic relationship in 1x01? Are we just going to brush aside that Betty finally developed the guts to tell Archie how she felt for him after secretly pining away for him since they were kids? Are we just going to completely neglect or erase the fact that Betty made a love confession to Archie and informed him how she felt for him and that she has always cherished him? Betty has loved Archie for years. She genuinely wanted to be with him romantically. It was invariably the boy that she considered as her true love and soulmate since she was a little girl. It was the boy that she assuredly had this extraordinary deep connection with, stronger than anything that she has experienced. How am I to sincerely believe that Betty could move on from Archie so quickly just like that and then jump into another complex relationship with Jughead when it’s blatantly apparent that Bughead is undoubtedly a rebound relationship? Betty has never loved anyone other than Archie in her life. Then suddenly, it’s like she just forgot about her genuine feelings for Archie and then declares Jughead as this epic love?? It makes zero sense whatsoever. Betty jumped into a passionate relationship with Jug so fast after confessing how she felt for Archie. How can people not believe that it is a rebound relationship? Nobody moves on like that after being undoubtedly in ardent love with someone so intensely for so long. One specific episode, Betty is eagerly telling Archie she doted on him her whole life and then four episodes later, she is impulsively kissing Jughead like Betty admittedly having emotional feelings for Archie never happened in just the previous chapters before? Because of Bughead being undoubtedly a rebound relationship, their relationship looks instantly rushed and seems naturally forced. The undeniable fact that the writers refused to indeed develop Bughead into a proper romantic relationship with a personal journey and emotional development makes Bughead look even more like a rebound relationship. It’s like the writers merely randomly threw Jughead and Betty together in a link because they instantly wanted to abundantly prove that Betty was over Archie and had promptly put her romantic feelings for him behind her, but I’m sorry, that is undoubtedly horrible writing. Bughead looks like a rebound relationship for two fundamental reasons: 1.) Betty nonetheless harbors unresolved feelings for Archie. We didn't see her get over Archie throughout considerable time. We never essentially witnessed her have any specific kind of profound reflection on what her complicated feelings for Archie meant for her and how it undoubtedly changed her. She candidly confessed how she felt passionately for him in the first episode, and after 1x02, it’s like it was conveniently forgotten and never spoken about again. 2.) Bughead is too rushed, and Betty moved on too quickly after promptly telling Archie how she ultimately felt for him. I understand it’s normal to want to move on when the object of your affection doesn’t reciprocate your affections, but this was just way too fast. I understand this is fiction and all, but if Betty is going to move on and jump into another relationship with Jughead, at least make it look realistic and make it make sense. At least execute Betty and Jughead to have some proper development and make their relationship grow before they start fervently kissing each other and tearfully confessing to each other that they are epic love and soulmates and blah, blah, blah. There are so many unresolved things about Bughead that make them look like an apparent rebound relationship. Because of this, I’m uncertain if Betty is just merely projecting her love/genuine feelings for Archie onto Jughead and her relationship with him. It causes me to wonder if Betty is living her dream relationship with Archie through the current relationship she’s in with Jughead. BUGHEAD IS UNDOUBTEDLY A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. 

Bughead is the worst ship or portmanteau name: The ship name “Bughead” is one of the ugliest ship names I have ever heard. I mean, who on earth could ship a couple with the portmanteau name “Bughead”? The ship name sounds like a couple that typically has nasty ass hygiene and undoubtedly has head lice regularly. I mean, couldn’t they be termed something else? Aren’t there better ship names for this couple instead of something that is named after head lice? I know precisely it’s an entirely absurd and shallow reason for me to hate Bughead positively, but the ship name is ridiculous on so many appropriate levels. But, on the other hand, I'm unsurprised that Bughead invariably has such a hideous ship name. It’s fitting that such a gross, mediocre and boring couple like them possess such an ugly ship name.

Bughead is first love: In my candid opinion, Bughead isn’t true love or great love. It’s first love. Bughead reeks of the typical high school first love relationship. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with first love. Many of us have experienced first love at some point in our lives. We likely experienced it during our teenaged hormonal years where we thought that the person we were in a passionate romance with at the time was going to be with us forever and we were going to get married and live happily eternally after. Uh, newsflash. The majority of people rarely, if ever, end up with their first love or high school sweetheart. First loves are first loves for a specific reason. Bughead is the epitome and standard definition of a relationship that is first love. Their codependent relationship is based on passionate impulses and a distinct lack of proper planning. Bughead instantly rushed into their relationship without any conceivable kind of accomplished journey. That’s what first love is. Bughead is based precisely on puppy love and foolish infatuation. It isn't true love. True love is so much stronger and deeper than Bughead could ever possibly comprehend. Allow me to properly break down the fundamental differences between first love and true/great love: First love is typically cliche and high school. True love is mature and evolving. First love is based on infatuation and youthful idealism. True love is based on deep love/meaningful connection and emotional realism. First love is based on violent impulse. True love is based on sustainable development. First love is based on uncontrolled lust/consuming passion. True love is based on deep love and social bonding. First love is based on committing ill-advised and foolish decisions in the name of love. True love is based on being rational, planning and thinking carefully before executing key decisions. First love is based on a noticeable lack of personal trust and dishonesty in a problematic relationship. True love is based on trust, straightforward honesty and effective communication between two people. Do you undoubtedly see where I’m going here? Bughead provides all of the essential qualities of a first love relationship. First love relationships are careless, reckless, and impulsive. First love relationships lack the unbreakable bond of love and deep connection of love required for a long-lasting romantic union. It is precisely why I genuinely believe that Bughead won’t last and why they aren’t endgame; because Bughead isn’t a true love/great love, it’s the first love. Bughead naturally lacks the substantial connection and deep, everlasting love of a true romance. They lack the maturity that is required to make a long-lasting romantic union. They lack mutual trust and uncompromising honesty in their complex relationship. Betty and Jughead are constantly concealing secrets from each other, lying to each other, not communicating with each other. These are all qualities that don’t exist in a relationship that is one of the true loves. First love is also incredibly toxic and problematic. They constantly fight with each other. There is much tension in this kind of relationship. Everything is based on impulsive feelings. It is what Bughead stands for. Bughead is toxic because it’s naturally a first love, not true love. If Bughead were true love, their fraught relationship wouldn’t be as problematic as it is respectively. They wouldn’t have so many problems and issues in their relationship on a non-stop basis. Bughead appears to be a first love relationship because of the significant lack of organic chemistry and mutual passion. Many first love relationships don’t necessarily have palpable chemistry and passion. It’s like a lifelong friendship but with gentle hints of romanticism in it. It is pure Bughead. Now, I’m not declaring anything negative about being in first love relationships. I admittedly had a first love too. And I genuinely believed I was going to be with my first love for the rest of my life and I would live happily ever. But that’s merely not reality. The fact is statistics have shown that the majority of people DO NOT end up with their first love or high school sweetheart. It’s because we as genuine people are constantly changing and evolving tremendously and growing abundantly with considerable time. And that includes growing out of our first loves and high school sweethearts. Bughead is typically the first love and therefore, I don’t think they will be a long-lasting union. Jughead and Betty are going to mature, they are going to change, and they are going to grow up and realize their relationship isn’t something that is meant to last forever. Even now, their stable relationship is naturally starting to grow stale and distant because of how impulsively they got together in the first place. Eventually, first love fades instantly. However, true love never fades. That’s why I reasonably believe that Barchie is true love. Because unlike Bughead, Barchie essentially has gradual development and a unique journey. True love takes time to develop; it’s not something that is rushed into. First love is a sprint, and true love is a marathon. And Bughead = Sprint, Barchie = Marathon.

Barchie has more history in comparison to Bughead: We all popularly know that Archie and Betty have known each other since they were innocent kids. They have history and have a powerful, deep bond unlike any other two characters on this show. Archie and Betty grew up next door to each other as they were next door neighbors. They recognize each other better than anyone, and they intuitively understand each other better than anyone. Betty has been in unconditional love with Archie since childhood. Those are the kind of feelings that don’t go away. Also, Jughead has been friends with Betty and Archie since they were kids. But Betty was always way closer to Archie than she was to Jughead. The fact that Betty didn’t know when Jughead’s birthday was or has never met Jughead’s father before merely proves that Betty didn’t have that same history with Jughead than she did with Archie. Barchie having a more authentic history and a more inseparable bond than Bughead definitely establishes them as superior and instantly puts them on a level above Bughead. Affirmative, Bughead knew each other as kids, and they invariably have some history, but it’s nowhere near as strong as Barchie’s history. Barchie secures a lifelong bond and meaningful connection that is so much stronger, undeniable and deeper than anything Bughead ever has. Betty knows Archie way more and much more in-depth than she knows Jughead. Betty can read Archie like a book, and she comprehends him the most out of anyone, including Jughead. And the same is believed the other way around. Archie correctly understands and knows Betty way better than Jughead intimately. He perceives how she operates, how she ticks. He knows how to make her happy naturally, or how to make her mad or how to make her upset. Archie encourages all of Betty’s buttons, whether they be positive or negative. There’s just so much about Barchie’s superior connection to Bughead’s. You can tell by looking at Archie and Betty and when they interact with each other in scenes that there is so much history, companionship and genuine love there. But when I watch key Bughead scenes, I don’t feel there’s the same depth or history that Barchie have. It is one of the key reasons why I genuinely think Barchie is superior to Bughead. Because of that strong friendship and kinship that Archie and Betty have, they have a substantial basis and foundation for an epic romance in the future. 

Betty loves Archie + has unresolved romantic feelings for him: Come on guys. There’s undoubtedly no possible way that Betty doesn’t have some unresolved romantic feelings for Archie after all this time. It is the girl that spent the majority of her life loving Archie in secret, fearful that if she told him the truth about how she felt for him that it would change everything between them. Betty most likely felt that if she expressed to Archie her genuine feelings about him and that she cherished him romantically that it would end up destroying her friendship and relationship with him. Going by what happened in the pilot episode, she was somewhat precise. When Betty finally gained the courage to tell Archie how she felt for him, Archie freaked out. Archie didn't expect the girl that had been his best friend since childhood, the girl that he had been next door neighbors with since the tender age of 4 years old, would ever have felt so deeply for him. When Archie told Betty that he couldn’t be with her and he adamantly rejected her after her love confession, Archie stated that his apparent reason for being unable to be with her at that key moment in time was because he felt he wasn’t good enough for someone as perfect and amazing as her. Betty was heartbroken by Archie’s conscious rejection, and she didn’t take it too well at first. On top of it, she was seriously envious of Archie and his attraction to Veronica. Here’s the key thing: there is undoubtedly no possible way that Betty Cooper has stopped loving Archie Andrews. THERE IS JUST NO WAY. Nobody loves someone for that long and so deeply and merely forgets about that person or about appreciating that person. You don’t just stop loving someone like that especially when you treasured them so much for so long and have been naturally through everything together with them. There is no doubt in my critical mind that Betty still has overwhelming feelings for Archie, but she has allegedly placed them on the backburner for Archie’s sake. Betty moved on from Archie so fast, and she moved on with Jughead, but that doesn't mean she has stopped loving Archie because she hasn’t. Do you understand how I know? Because every important time that Betty is in Archie’s vicinity and presence, Betty cannot stop smiling and beaming with happiness. Whenever Betty is around Archie, she glows. She beams with genuine love and fierce pride when she looks wistfully at him. She inevitably delivers him this different sort of smile that’s for him and nobody else. Now, that’s not to say that Betty doesn’t love Jughead. Of course, she does (and I say that as someone who hates them as a couple and doesn’t ship them at all.). But, it doesn’t alter facts. Betty is still in love with Archie. She hasn’t dealt with those unresolved feelings for Archie that she has felt since she was a child. You can’t completely expect me to believe that Betty has lost all the romantic feelings that she had for Archie and has entirely moved on with Jughead, because I don’t buy it. The reason why I nevertheless think that Betty is in love with Archie is because of the lack of chemistry, romanticism and passion between Jughead and Betty. Bughead is together, but something is undoubtedly missing. I feel like Betty is solely using Jughead as a replacement or placeholder for Archie. She is projecting the kind of passionate romance and relationship that she genuinely wanted with Archie onto her relationship with Jughead and it shows. Do I genuinely think that Betty loves Jughead? Sure. But I don’t necessarily think it’s a passionate, romantic love. I think Betty wants what she feels for Jughead to be romantic love, but it isn’t. Whatever she feels for Jughead is a comforting illusion. She’s in love with the fundamental idea of Jughead and loving him. She doesn’t love him the way she loves Archie unconditionally at all. As long as Archie is nearby, Betty will inevitably have those lingering feelings for him. That’s never going away. Betty can attempt all she wants to abandon whatever she felt for Archie, but a love like that never fades. And I think deep down, Jughead sees it. Otherwise, why would Jughead always act so insecure regarding Betty and Archie? Why is he always suspicious and self-conscious? Why did Jughead tell Betty that he knows she is with him until Archie realizes his feelings for Betty to which Betty would have no issue discharging him for Archie? Because it’s an essential truth. Betty would throw Jughead in front of a Mack Truck if Archie reciprocated even 5%-10% of Betty’s romantic feelings. I can never accept Bughead for this particular reason, and I can never ship them for this very reason. I can’t just brush aside 10+ years of complex history between Betty and Archie. I can’t just brush aside the fundamental fact that Archie and Betty naturally have this strong, deep and undeniable bond and established a connection that has been formed and developed since their childhood. I can’t just brush aside the fact that for 10+ years, Betty loved Archie so much and wanted to be with him. How am I to willingly accept Bughead when all these harsh facts remain a genuine reality? I can’t just accept Betty loves Jughead more than she does Archie because it’s just not the case. She doesn’t, plain and simple. She thinks she does, but that’s because as of now, Betty is settling for Jughead because Betty knows she can’t have Archie. Archie is currently emotionally unavailable because he’s been in a relationship with Veronica for two seasons now. And the objective truth is, Archie genuinely loves Betty deep down too. He doesn’t acknowledge it or wants to comprehend it yet. He doesn’t want to accept the fact that he loves Betty because he has such a strong sense of self-doubt and self-hatred. He thinks himself as imperfect and indecent, not good enough for the suitable girl next door Betty. But what Archie doesn't realize is that loving Betty and accepting that he loves Betty is his journey and path to self-acceptance and most importantly, to self-love. Archie won’t learn to appreciate and accept himself until he sufficiently learns to love and willingly accept Betty. And this is precisely why Barchie will happen naturally and why I sincerely believe they will end up together in the ultimate end. Case in point, Betty still loves Archie, and that will never change, no matter how hard the writers try to revise history to rewrite things. 

Bughead is a cliche relationship: Bughead is typically such a cliche type of relationship. Ordinary girl next door falls for the edgy boy from the criminal side of the tracks? The reasonably popular girl falls for the loner boy who is anti-social and doesn’t fit in with the norm? Cheerleader falls for the weirdo? Their relationship is the epitome of a cliche. Bughead’s relationship is nothing new. I have seen this type of relationship many times in fiction, and it’s nothing exciting or unusual. Now, I’m not saying that any of the other relationships on Riverdale aren’t cliche in their way. Barchie could equally be considered to be cliche as well. The girl next door (Betty) falling passionately for the boy next door (Archie)? Cliche. The cheerleader (Veronica) undoubtedly falling for the popular football player (Archie)? That’s equally cliche. The industrious poor, loner boy (Jughead) gradually falling in love with the beautiful, popular rich princess (Veronica)? Yep, that’s cliche too. It’s not about the critical fact that Bughead is a cliche; it’s how they are written that bothers me. Bughead is written as a cliche teenage love. It lacks considerable depth and profound significance. I feel like Jughead and Betty just jumped into a relationship out of desperation. Many high school relationships typically happen on impulse, and Bughead’s relationship represents impulse. Bughead is a cliche relationship because it lacks excitement. Their specific dynamic is nothing original. They are from opposing sides of the spectrum socially and economically. Betty is the wholesome, cheery, upbeat girl next door and Jughead is the intense, brooding, melancholic loner. To me, Bughead reeks of the second coming of Dan/Serena (Derena) from Gossip Girl. Dan was traditionally a loner and social outcast from Brooklyn. But he craved to be romantically involved with Serena, the lovely, popular girl from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, from afar. It’s a similar situation with Jughead and Betty. Jughead is the loner outcast from the Southside who experienced an infatuation towards Betty, the sweet, girl next door from the Northside. Boring. Not only is the fundamental dynamic between Bughead been seen in many forms of modern media over the established decades, but the substance (or lack thereof) of Bughead’s relationship is what causes them to be incredibly cliche. Their relationship is extraordinarily shallow and hollow. They are acting out a typical high school teenage mini-drama. They are consistently fighting, then breaking up, then fighting again, then breaking up again, and then getting back together. Now that Bughead is seemingly past that specific stage of competing with each other and breaking up and then getting back together in a vicious cycle, their complicated relationship has presently become a cliche bore and dullard. In season 3, the writers have written themselves into an obscure corner where Bughead is concerned. It’s like they don’t recognize what to do with this couple anymore except continue composing them as the same, cliche, dull investigative couple/duo that they’ve been for the past two seasons now. Bughead is cliche and is a typical high school relationship because their relationship is based precisely on puppy love and foolish infatuation. Bughead is already acting like they are going to be together forever and are going to get married and it’s all great rainbows and unicorns. EH, WRONG. Bughead naturally has the same mentality that the considerable majority of all first love relationships and high school relationships have in common. They retain this sense of idealism in their minds when it comes to their relationship. Bughead is not based on realism and reality. It’s base on an elaborate fantasy. Jughead and Betty are only 16 years old, yet they are acting as though they are 40 and married. They are moving too much like an elderly married couple. Jughead and Betty seem to think they are set in The Notebook. They seem to lost in their world, and they don’t realize everything else around them. That is what traditionally makes Bughead an unrealistic, shallow, typical teenage high school relationship. It is why Bughead won’t endure or make it as a long-lasting romantic union. Because like I said in a previous point, Bughead is a first love, but it’s not a true love. Bughead and their relationship are nothing special, outstanding, epic or extraordinary. To me, they’re just another cliche good girl/edgy boy couple that many young females within society like to live out fantasies. They are just another accurate representation of what high school love, first love, and teenage relationships are. Bughead is cliche as hell.

FP & Alice (Falice) had romantic + sexual history: Are we just going to overlook the fact that FP and Alice had a romantic fling back in high school? Are we just going to brush aside the fact that FP and Alice not only hooked up in high school but they, also, produced a long lost son together? It appears as though history is replicating itself with regards to the Jones men hooking up with the Cooper women. In the present. For all one knows it’s merely me, but I find that history is repeating itself romantically and sexually between the Jones and the Coopers very unsettling, bizarre, gross, and weird. It naturally makes Bughead look borderline incestuous. Because of FP and Alice’s fling back in high school, they had a son together, which means that Jughead and Betty share a half-sibling. That traditionally makes the whole web between the Jones men and Cooper women even grosser and disgusting. It’s indeed strange, and it doesn’t sit comfortably with me that Jughead's father and Betty’s mother experienced an affair with each other back in high school and now, the kids are emulating their parents. I don’t know about you, but if I found out that my mother and my boyfriend’s father were hooking up in high school and it resulted in a teen pregnancy where my boyfriend and I share a long-lost sibling, I don’t know if I would want to continue having a romantic relationship with my boyfriend. It would just creep and weird me out. It’s not an ordinary circumstance at all. Then again, we have traditionally seen this same story play out on another famous teen drama show, Gossip Girl. Dan and Serena were conventionally dating each other, but it was revealed that Dan’s father Rufus and Serena’s mother Lily were in genuine love back in the day and that they allegedly had a complex affair. Like FP and Alice, Rufus and Lily had a long-lost son together whom they gave up for adoption. It’s like RAS, and the contributing Riverdale writers just stole that storyline straight out of Gossip Girl and implanted it right into Riverdale. It’s unoriginal. It is one of the biggest reasons why I’m turned off from Bughead. The fact that Jughead and Betty’s parents have an intimate and romantic history, I can’t get past that because it makes Bughead and their relationship weird. To make matters worse, FP and Alice were seemingly hooking up and dating each other in the present while their kids are also currently hooking up and dating in the present. Weird, weird, weird. Did I mention weird? The writers went as far as to sufficiently emphasize and highlight the direct parallels between Falice and Bughead and that history was replicating itself during a season 3 episode (3x03). The writers and the show purposely showed FP/Alice in bed together in one scene and then switching to the following scene with Jughead/Betty together in bed. IT’S GROSS! It made me feel very uncomfortable, and I know plenty of other viewers who mentioned that they felt just as weirded out, disgusted, and embarrassed as I did with the way those scenes were shot. Bughead is pretty much incestuous and taboo for me. Yes, Bughead isn’t blood-related at all, but it doesn’t change that they look and act like step-siblings who are forcing an intimate connection between them. Now, if I had to choose between Falice or Bughead existing or continuing their romantic relationship in the present, I would indeed rather see Falice stay together romantically than Bughead. After all, Falice was undoubtedly canon first, and Bughead is merely trying to be an inferior imitation and knockoff of their parents. Bughead is emulating Falice so hard, but they are desperately failing miserably. Bughead doesn’t have anywhere near the complex history, essential development, or passionate chemistry to be anything remotely comparable to Falice and their complicated relationship, past and present. 

Bughead erases Jughead’s sexuality: Honestly, this reason doesn’t bother me that much, and it’s not a huge reason why I don’t ship or like Bughead. But I know there’s a small yet vocal part of the fandom that it does bother greatly. According to quite a few vocal people, Jughead is asexual in the classic comics. Now, I’ve read the comics since childhood, and I can confirm and attest that in the older version of the comics, Jughead isn't asexual. In many of the past comic book storylines, Jughead has shown a romantic interest in some girls, and he has been fascinated with women at various points throughout the history of Archie Comics. He was merely written as misogynistic and as someone who didn’t think highly of women in general, but that didn’t make him asexual or aromantic. Jughead’s first love was traditionally considered to be food, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have some romantic interest in girls because he most definitely did. There have been numerous storylines of Jughead showing romantic interest in girls and even being written in romantic relationships with female characters, like Ethel and Veronica for example. The exclusive version of Jughead that is canonically confirmed to be asexual is in the recent Archie Comics 2015 reboot. I know some people who hate Bughead are upset that the show writers of Riverdale erased Jughead’s sexuality from the current version of Archie Comics. But I can suggest the argument as to why RAS and the writers wrote this. Jughead Jones is thoroughly known to represent a popular, well-liked, beloved character within the Archie Comics franchise. Carefully add to the fact that Cole Sprouse, a well-known, famous teen heartthrob for many juvenile girls and young adult women, is portraying him. As a direct result, the female viewing audience who eagerly watch Riverdale want to see the “heartthrob” who they crush on, adorn, fawn over and heartily admire, be in romantic relationships with a female character(s) on the show. That way, these adolescent girls and young adult women can live their erotic and sexual fantasies vicariously through that particular relationship. That relationship currently happens to be Bughead. Why do you genuinely think that Bughead is (or used to be, shall I say politely) popular and well-liked in a fandom primarily dominated by young teenage girls and young adult women? Because they assuredly find Cole Sprouse attractive, hot, sexy, cute and appealing and they want to witness him get romantic or sexual with a female on-screen. I recognize why the writers changed Jughead’s sexuality from that point of view. But at the same time, I understand why a vocal part of the Riverdale fandom is greatly disappointed, angry or upset that the writers chose to neglect asexual and aromantic representation on a popular teen television show. Originally, Cole Sprouse argued for his distinctive character of Jughead to be canonically asexual on the show, and he genuinely wanted Asexual!Jughead to remain a reality. He argued for it because he required representation, but that was at the beginning of the series. Right now, Cole supports Straight!Jughead and his specific character being in complex relationships with attractive girls. Cole likely changed his mind about this key topic, because he is “dating” Lili Reinhart off-screen and his character Jughead is dating Betty onscreen. Jughead not being written as the same sexuality as he was in the recent version of the comics doesn’t bother me too much. That may be a controversial thing for me to admit, but for me, that’s my opinion. Sure, it would have been tremendous to have some representation for that group because there is accurately zero of it in modern media. But the erasure of Jughead’ sexuality from the comics isn’t my most fundamental issue or concern regarding this ship. I don’t hate Bughead because it erases 2015 Comic!Jughead’s sexuality. I’m okay with the modern Riverdale version of Jughead being heterosexual and straight and into girls. Jughead’s unique character is prolifically and accurately described as an "emo heartthrob", so he is bound to be attracted to girls and have girls be attracted to him. The principal reason I hate Bughead is because it naturally lacks organic chemistry, proper development and creative originality. I hate Bughead because it’s poorly composed and usually forced. I hate Bughead because it’s a toxic piece of waste. Not because it erases accurate representation. But at the same time, I’m compassionate and understanding to those who hate Bughead because it does delete adequate representation and that’s okay too. It’s just not my reason for disliking this ship.

Bughead is too codependent: For all one knows it’s just me, but I find Bughead’s relationship codependent, especially in season 1 and 2. I feel like they lack an identity apart from each other and that’s not a good thing. An essential part of what makes them unhealthy and toxic is that Betty has become so dependent on Jughead, especially after Archie rejected her. It’s like she turned to the next boy that gave her attention and just fell hard and fast. And Jughead was just a lonely outcast who was desperate to be loved and accepted. Here comes the first person outside of Archie to give him any genuine affection and considerable attention and Jughead got too attached. Bughead’s complex relationship became significantly codependent in season 2. Betty wanted to be with Jughead so much that she was ready to willingly give up her identity and her individuality to be a part of Jughead’s cruel world as a Serpent. Jughead told Betty about entering his world and how dangerous and unpredictable it could be, but Betty was still persistent in wanting to be a Serpent. To prove how much she wanted to be with Jughead and be a part of his world, she got undressed in front of an entire bar full of adult and older Serpents AS AN UNDERAGED GIRL. Jughead was horrified when Betty carried this act out that he reluctantly decided to break up with her. Jughead didn't want Betty to be an active part of his chaotic world, and he informed her many times. But Betty’s codependence and neediness towards Jughead undoubtedly caused her to lack logical thinking. And now at the end of season 2, Betty becomes Serpent Queen and integrates herself into Jughead’s world of being a Serpent when it doesn’t flatter her whatsoever. Betty is not a Serpent. She’s not born into that unpredictable life. By becoming Serpent Queen, she essentially gave up her individuality and her identity to be with Jughead. Betty is a Northsider through and through. She will never under no circumstances be a Southsider. The fact of the matter is that Betty only joined the Serpents because she is Jughead’s girlfriend. Betty doesn’t genuinely care about the well being of the Serpents. She hasn’t achieved anything great for the well being of the Serpents. She only associated with them because of nepotism and her boyfriend Jughead being the Serpent King. Betty has no place in the Southside Serpents, and it’s abundantly apparent. It is what makes their relationship codependent. Without Jughead, who is Betty Cooper? Who would she be if Jughead broke up with Betty for good? Who would she be without him? A key reason for Betty’s strong codependence on Jughead naturally has to do with the fact that Betty isn’t mentally healthy. Betty suffers from an undiagnosed mental illness that has yet to be candidly acknowledged and adequately addressed on this show. My guess is Betty has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those who suffer from BPD have serious abandonment issues and attachment issues. They latch onto anyone who will willingly give them love and devoted attention because they are so needy and starved for attention and enthusiastic approval from others. And Jughead happens to be Betty’s effective drug for her BPD. Instead of seeking specialized help for her mental illness, Betty used Jughead as an emotional crutch to cope. Toxic, toxic, toxic. Let’s not forget that Jughead is equally using Betty as an emotional crutch as well. Jughead has consistently been the lonely, outlasted loner who never fit in. He was bullied growing up and constantly picked on. Jughead is dependent on Betty as a way to undoubtedly make him feel accepted into the social norm especially because of the complex environment he grew up in which was a toxic one. For Jughead, Betty is a form of escapism. Escapism from his dysfunctional life and the negative environment that he has with his family at home. In an undeniable fact, I argue persuasively that Jughead and Betty’s relationship is all about escapism. They are using each other to escape from their reality, but they want to escape for different reasons. Betty is using Jughead to escape from her mental illness, her troubled family life and the pressure of having to remain the perfect faithful daughter all the time. Jughead is using Betty to escape his unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional home life and his insecurities that he feels about not being good enough. It makes Bughead’s relationship codependent and needy in essential nature, and that’s why they are problematic. Not merely does the fact that Bughead’s relationship being based on escapism causes them to be an unhealthy, codependent relationship but also that both of them constantly break up and then get back together so fast. It genuinely seems that they don’t take time away from each other to be by themselves. They consistently have to be together and getting involved in things that could coax them into a boatload of trouble. If Betty gets prominently involved with something, then Jughead typically has to get involved. If Jughead gets involved in something, then Betty naturally has to get involved. And all that undoubtedly does is lead to more frequent problems. I feel because of their codependent relationship, Jughead and Betty have either grown stagnant as characters or have regressed as characters. They haven’t changed for the positive, and they haven’t evolved in a way that is beneficial for both of them. Their codependent attachment to each other has ceased them from exploring other relationships with people and branching out by communicating with other people besides each other. It’s like Jughead and Betty live in their little world, their little bubble and that is unhealthy. Outside of Archie, Veronica and Betty, who does Jughead undoubtedly have to consider a friend? The Serpents aren’t his friends. They are his subordinates. He is their leader, not their friend. Outside of Betty and the Serpents, Jughead doesn’t have much of an identity, and that is a problem. It's the same for Betty. Outside of Jughead and occasionally Veronica (not in season 3), Betty is barely seen communicating with anyone else. It’s like her friendships with notable people like Kevin, Veronica, and even Archie (Archie for God’s dear sake, the boy she has cherished and known intimately since childhood, has been next door neighbors with, and has been best friends with since she was a child!) have ceased to exist. Jughead is all that matters to her now. It’s depressing. Betty is lonely, and she doesn’t realize it because she doesn’t acknowledge anything or anyone else besides Jughead and her relationship with him. Bughead and their relationship are incredibly isolating. Jughead and Betty have secluded themselves away from others and the potential for generating wonderfully new bonds and enduring friendships outside of each other. Does Betty possess any friends outside of Jughead right now? I mean, seriously, her budding friendship with Veronica has grown so distant as of season 3. She barely acknowledges her anymore. At least Jughead willingly spent some decent time with Archie during this season and aided him in the running away from a demolished town of Riverdale and escaping the wrath of Hiram Lodge. And Jughead is gradually but surely starting to develop a bond and friendship with Veronica. But Betty? She willingly has no one. She’s so isolated and lonely outside of Jughead that the sole person that she is turning to other than Jughead is her serial killer father, Hal! And that’s just a grim reality. For Betty and Jughead to grow tremendously and evolve organically as complex characters, the two of them need to break up and invariably find themselves on their own. Because right now, Bughead’s codependent relationship has caused Jughead and Betty to become severely stagnant.

Bughead is an emotionally abusive relationship: This may be considered to be a controversial opinion, but I genuinely think that Bughead is an emotionally abusive relationship. I undoubtedly noticed visible traces of emotional abuse within Bughead’s relationship throughout season 1 and season 2. Whenever Jughead and Betty would argue fiercely and fight doggedly, Jughead would habitually be the likely one always to take personal digs/attacks and make nasty insults about Betty. He would berate her and insult her all the time like sarcastically calling her the “perfect girl next door” (as if it’s something that is so horrible). Jughead would yell at her for doing nice things for him (like throwing him a birthday party). He would throw her feelings for Archie in her face. It made her feel guilty for loving Archie because he’s insecure regarding Archie and Betty’s relationship. Jughead and Betty would constantly harbor secrets and lie to each other for God knows what reason (this shows a huge lack of trust and honesty in the relationship). These represent unmistakable signs of an emotionally abusive relationship yet for some strange reason, and fandom never addresses it. Most of the fandom is “Awww, BUGHEAD FEELS!” when they see Jughead and Betty in any scene together, but they don’t realize the toxic and unhealthy aspects of their relationship. They believe that because Jughead and Betty look “cute” together and act all lovey-dovey and couple-like that all is healthy and okay with their relationship, But they divert a sightless eye to how much underlying emotional abuse and unacceptable toxicity exist in the Bughead relationship. 

Bughead look + act like siblings: I can’t get over how much Bughead look and act like brother and sister. Conceivably it’s because that is their relationship in the comics. But they don’t appear as a romantic couple to me. When they get intimate and sexual, it looks very incestuous. Jughead and Betty’s parents experiencing a romantic history emphasizes the incestuous aspect of the Bughead relationship. Let me gently remind you that if FP and Alice ever got married in the foreseeable future, Jughead and Betty would be step-siblings who are in brotherly love and dating each other. It is just shameful and bizarre and cringe-worthy. Let’s not forget that in real life, Cole and Lili look like they could be related or that they could be brother and sister. I know Cole has dyed his hair black for his role as Jughead, but Cole is a natural born blond. Lili is, also, a natural born blonde. Jughead and Betty would appear to be more like siblings than they do if Cole kept his original hair color of blond. If you don’t believe me that Cole and Lili legitimately look like they could pass as brother and sister, then just put a candid photo of Blond!Cole next to Lili and see how much they indeed physically resemble each other. Jughead and Betty’s relationship is just way too platonic and sibling-like for me to believe they have any romantic chemistry. Bughead’s sex scenes look like a brother and sister getting it on. For example, the first time when Bughead got physical in 1x13, it was just so awkward and non-sexual. It looked extremely sibling-like and incestuous, and it looked like two siblings having a secret affair in their trailer park. Yuck. The second considerable time that Bughead gets physical in 2x12, it appeared non-sexual and incestuous. Again, there was no sexual and romantic chemistry during their first time. The distinct lack of fierce passion and romanticism in Bughead’s relationship is the most substantial reason why I genuinely feel Bughead acts like a brother/sister type of relationship rather than a romantic, intimate one. Falice having sexual and romantic history plus Bughead sharing a long-lost sibling doesn’t help Bughead look any less like an incestuous brother/sister relationship.

Bughead is constantly trying to fix each other: I hate how Jughead and Betty are repeatedly trying to solve and fix each other’s problems. That’s not how healthy relationships work. In season 1 alone, I unquestionably felt that Betty was intentionally trying to fix Jughead properly. I felt like she was trying to mold Jughead into who she wanted him to be. I don’t feel like she fully accepted him for whom he was. Much of her relationship with Jughead in season 1 was her projecting her profound feelings for Archie onto Jughead. Jughead comes from a highly dysfunctional family and unfavorable environment. Betty saw Jughead as a project that could be fixed so she could feel better about herself. That’s exactly how I see Betty’s relationship with Jughead. I feel like she is constantly mothering him instead of being an actual supportive girlfriend. And Jughead genuinely seems to enable this mother type attitude in Betty because Jughead has serious unresolved mommy issues. After all, Jughead’s mother Gladys up and left and abandoned him to an extremely troubled household with an alcoholic deadbeat father. Betty, being the perfectionist and fixer that she is naturally, obviously fell for Jughead because she identifies with someone that is emotionally unstable due to his horrible upbringing. She knows he is poor and has serious family issues. For Betty, fixing Jughead is undoubtedly an effective way for her to feel better about herself because she battles serious self-esteem issues. She constantly experienced the standard pressure to be the faithful daughter, an excellent student, and a beloved sister, and this was the pressure that was eagerly pushed upon her by both of her willing parents Hal and Alice. I feel like since Betty constantly tries to fix Jughead’s fundamental problems, she promptly loses her independent identity to him in the process. In season 2, Betty fixing Jughead’s problems is even more obvious than in season 1. Betty is so adamant on fixing Jughead and earnestly trying to get him to overcome his difficult issues that she is intent on joining the Serpents and being passionately involved in the gang lifestyle. Betty’s reasoning for wanting to be a Serpent was so she can be with Jughead and watch out for him. I understand that she wants to be a so-called supportive girlfriend, but her wanting to be part of a gang lifestyle, something that she never grew up in and a life that is so unpredictable and dangerous, was just such a stupid and reckless reason. Even Jughead had to push back at Betty and inform her that the Serpent life wasn’t meant for her. The reason why Betty is always trying to fix Jughead and his problems is that she’s not satisfied with the person that Jughead is. If she loved and accepted Jughead for who he is, then she wouldn’t be trying to change him and solve his issues all the time. The other notable time when Betty tried to fix Jughead’s longstanding problems was when Betty decided to blackmail and manipulate Cheryl into lying under sacred oath about FP covering up the murder of her deceased twin brother Jason. Betty was so desperate to clear her boyfriend’s convicted father so that he would receive a lighter prison sentence and punishment for his crime. Betty did such a horrible, sinister and devious act by blackmailing a traumatized girl for her gain just so that she can be seen as a super good girlfriend who’d do anything for her boyfriend. On the reverse, Jughead also tries fixing Betty’s issues as well. Such as the case when Betty and her family found themselves in a crisis when Imposter Chic murdered someone right in the middle of the Cooper House. Jughead ended up committing a punishable crime by covering up murder evidence that belonged to the dead man so that the local authorities wouldn't catch Betty and her family for their crime. Not only that but because Jughead was trying so hard to fix Betty’s problems, he got his criminal parole father involved in the mess. I don’t know about you, but if I were Betty, the last thing I would want is for my longtime boyfriend’s father who had scarcely got out of prison, is for him to be involved in covering up a second dead body. I wouldn't want to involve my boyfriend's parole father so that he risks being arrested and going to jail once again for knowingly committing the same crime that burdened him in prison in the first place. Though Jughead has intentionally tried to solve Betty’s problems, there is one important issue in which Jughead has completely neglected when it comes to Betty: her mental health. For some reason, Jughead can fix and solve all of Betty’s obvious issues, but he can’t even convince her to get the mental help that she needs. Alternatively, he chooses to either brush it under the rug or enable it by advising her that everything is going to be okay because he’ll be there to support her. I’m not asking for Jughead to directly fix Betty’s mental health or cure her mental illness, because nobody is capable of doing such a thing. But what he should be doing, as any good boyfriend would typically do, is convincing her to get mental help for herself. I don’t want Jughead to fix Betty’s mental health because no one reasonable person can fix people’s mental illness. But what he can undoubtedly do is adequately communicate with her and talk intimately to her about her mental health issues. What he can do is demonstrate to her some tough love and sincerely convince her to stand up for herself and voluntarily seek the valuable help that she dearly needs. But Jughead hasn’t done that at all. He’s merely nudged Betty’s mental health to the side as if it signifies nothing. Jughead and Betty can fix each other’s external problems, but the one thing they consistently fail at doing is being a healthy and proper support system for each other without the need to fix and mold one another into who they want each other to be. That is conditional love, not unconditional love. 

Bughead has too much jealousy and insecurities: I genuinely think that Betty and Jughead undoubtedly have too much jealousy and insecurities in their relationship. These key issues with jealousy are highlighted in season 1 and season 2. Jughead is constantly insecure about Betty’s relationship and mutual feelings for Archie. It’s like it was habitually in the back of his mind. When Betty and Jughead get into a fight in 1x10, Jughead even lashes out at Betty about her ambiguous relationship with Archie. He notifies her that she is only with him till Archie reciprocates her feelings romantically. The fact that Jughead assumes this shows that he has some serious insecurity issues concerning Archie and Betty’s relationship. Jughead also showed jealousy when Betty and Archie exchanged Christmas gifts with each other in 2x09. He could see that Betty and Archie had that special connection that he didn’t have with Betty because Betty was so sure that the present she received was from Archie. Jughead knows deep down that Archie and Betty naturally have this powerful and deep connection yet he intentionally tries to conceal it and conveniently ignore it as much as possible. That is until Betty and Archie share moments right in front of him and then he allows his jealous and insecure side to come out. When Jughead finds out that Archie and Betty exchanged a kiss from Cheryl, Jughead doesn’t take it too well. He gets so upset and resentful over it that he possesses a desire to get back at Betty and Archie by kissing Veronica. The fact that he was willing to get back at Barchie for kissing each other showcased his insecurities regarding Archie and Betty’s relationship. If he were secure in his relationship with Betty, he wouldn’t require the need to resort to such a petty move. The fact of the matter is he wanted to get revenge against Archie and Betty, and he even admitted it as much. He told Betty that he enjoyed seeing the look on Archie’s face when he was kissing Veronica to get back at him. Pure jealousy and pettiness because he’s uncertain about Archie and Betty kissing, even when the two of them were broken up at the time. Jughead revealed some jealousy in a recent season 3 episode (3x10).  Archie told the rest of the core four at Pop’s that he would have a hard time studying for the SAT’s because he may have to repeat his academic Junior year due to having been through so much that year. Betty supported Archie and advised him that she would happily help him study and promptly let him catch up. Jughead had a bitterly jealous look on his face when Archie and Betty were talking about investing time together, and Betty was talking about tutoring Archie as she did for him back in grade 2. Jughead is desperately insecure with Archie and Betty just being friends and helping each other. That is how much he knows that he is in Archie’s constant shadow where Betty is concerned and he has been so since childhood. The fact is Jughead has always been jealous of Archie deep down because Betty has always loved Archie and showed him more attention than him. It’s stated as much by the writers who recently confirmed it (though I’m skeptical because I genuinely feel like much of Bughead’s relationship is retcon and a revision of history.). Jughead has always felt second best to Archie especially in regards to his friendship and emotional bond with Betty, and it’s been repeatedly sprinkled throughout the show so far. I think deep down, Jughead knows that Archie and Betty have such a deep and intimate connection and that with time, they will eventually consummate that connection. It’s only a matter of time. Jughead can see that Archie and Betty share this unique bond that he will never share with Betty and that brings out Jughead’s insecurities. Jughead can deny it deep down all he desires, but he completely knows. He knows by heart that what Archie and Betty naturally have is special and that one day, Archie is eventually going to open his eyes and realize that Betty is the chosen one for him. But for now, Jughead tries turning a blind eye to it because he wants to have faith that his relationship with Betty will survive through it all. But with considerable time, Bughead will founder, and nothing will stop Barchie from getting together down the continuous line. At this specific point, it is inevitable, and Jughead even said as much in 2x08 when he narrated the memorable Barchie scene with the both of them looking wistfully at each other through each other’s windows. But not only does Jughead battle jealousy issues in their relationship. Betty has shown some jealousy issues where Jughead is concerned. The times when Betty had demonstrated jealousy and insecurity regarding Jughead was when Jughead was acting genuinely friendly with Toni. In 2x11, Jughead and Toni were working collaboratively on a school project together, and when she instantly saw Jughead and Toni together, she immediately got suspicious. It is part of the reason why Betty was so hostile towards Toni at first because she was self-conscious about Jughead’s friendship and bond with Toni. Betty harbored insecurities where Jughead and Toni were concerned because Toni, unlike Betty, was from the same world as Jughead. Both Jughead and Toni were undoubtedly kindred spirits because they were both from the Southside, both poor and both have a direct Serpent lineage. These striking similarities between Jughead and Toni automatically made them compatible and right for each other (this was before Toni got with Cheryl and confirmed that she liked both guys and girls). Betty naturally viewed Toni as a potential threat to her relationship with Jughead because Toni was traditionally from Jughead’s complex world and Betty was not. That is where Betty’s fierce jealousy regarding Toni and Jughead exists. Generally speaking, Bughead merely possesses too many insecurities regarding their relationship. The fact that Jughead and Betty get so easily insecure and jealous when someone of the opposite sex develops some mutual bond or meaningful relationship with either of them shows a distinct lack of mutual security in their relationship. 

Bughead lack solid communication: A fundamental problem that I naturally have with Bughead’s relationship is precisely the fundamental lack of effective communication in their relationship. They are always lying to each other and keeping secrets from each other, especially dangerous secrets that are critically important. Bughead has issues opening up to each other when it is most significant for them to do so. The remarkable lack of direct communication between both of them is one of the most substantial reasons why their relationship is so toxic, especially in season 1. Betty has knowingly lied to Jughead numerous times and has deliberately concealed valuable secrets from him. Some of the necessary things that Betty has knowingly lied to Jughead about or kept from him prominently include her struggling with mental illness. She steadfastly refused to tell Jughead that she passionately kissed Archie. Betty didn't tell Jughead that she was webcamming online with unusual men. She didn't tell Jughead or let him know she had every intention of joining the Serpents and going through the Serpent initiation of stripping on stage (Jughead ended up completely blindsided when Betty stripteased on stage). Betty didn't inform Jughead about her presumed long lost brother Chic and how dangerous and suspicious he was. She didn't notify Jughead that the Black Hood was threatening and blackmailing her into hurting her loved ones against her will intentionally. Betty refused to tell Jughead that she was privately working with the Black Hood and assisting him in causing destruction and chaos in Riverdale (She told Archie and Veronica about her working with the Black Hood before she confessed to her boyfriend!). Additionally, she didn't tell Jughead that she was a direct accomplice to murder when she sent Imposter Chic to his death by luring him to the Black Hood so that he could personally assassinate and murder him (This means Betty was okay with someone being killed in cold blood even if they were a bad or evil person.). In contrast, Jughead isn’t always honest with Betty either. He didn’t tell Betty that he kissed Toni and sort of hooked up with her after they broke up. He withheld the critical fact that his father was a Southside Serpent from her which would have introduced much unnecessary drama to Betty’s life. He hasn’t told Betty about the vital fact that he kidnapped and tortured Tall Boy and then covered up his murder after Fangs accidentally shot him dead. He wasn't upfront with Betty about him playing Gryphons & Gargoyles at first. He was willing to steadfastly maintain his active involvement in the complex game a well-kept secret from her. There’s way too many unnecessary lies and deep secrets between the two of them. Secrets and extremely detrimental and terrible lies in nature. The fundamental fact that Jughead and Betty constantly feel they can’t talk about the critically significant things or gloss over their key issues is a red flag for the longevity of their romance. A beneficial and stable intimate relationship typically involves effective communication, trust, and straightforward honesty when it matters most, and unfortunately, Jughead and Betty fail spectacularly to perform all of those critical things properly. In this season (season 3), I find they are slowly growing removed from each other which is naturally causing them to lack communication even more. Periodically, I don’t feel that Bughead communicate enough that I conveniently forget they are a couple or are in a relationship. They are acting like two distinguished strangers who don’t recognize each other. That’s how separate their relationship has undoubtedly become this season. Season 2 had them continually lying to each other and keeping secrets from each other, but season 3 typically has them barely talking or properly communicating at all. When they have communicated this season, it usually results in a climactic fight or a possible argument of some sort. I genuinely think the fundamental fact that Jughead and Betty’s social communication is weak is a visible sign that their relationship is on borrowed time. 

Bughead shares a long-lost sibling: This key reason merely makes Bughead look like a disgusting and gross relationship. Are we just going to forget that FP (Jughead’s father) and Alice (Betty’s mother) gave birth to a long-lost child together in high school? It means that Jughead and Betty share a half-sibling/half-brother. It immediately makes their relationship very awkward and weird. Bughead is already incestuous enough as it because they act suspiciously like brother and sister and don’t have romantic chemistry/sexual chemistry, to begin. But the fact that Falice experienced intimate history together and had a child together makes Bughead even weirder. Falice’s illegitimate deceased son and Bughead’s half-brother Charles is supposedly dead because Imposter Chic allegedly murdered him. Even if Charles happens to be dead, it doesn’t change that Jughead and Betty still share a brother and that it nevertheless makes their relationship borderline incestuous. I’m sorry, but if I found out that my longtime boyfriend and I shared in common a half-sibling, I don’t know if I could maintain a romantic relationship with my boyfriend. I would be disgusted if I acknowledged my parents and my boyfriend's parents were hooking up! Jughead and Betty’s father and mother hooking up and having a sexual history and currently revisiting that romantic and sexual history is bad enough. But the fact that Bughead shares a sibling makes it so much worse, and it doesn’t sit right with me at all. If Falice gets appropriately married in the possible future, Bughead would be traditionally step-siblings who share in common a half-deceased brother and are in a romantic relationship. That’s just odd.

Bughead doesn’t exist in the comics: Bughead has never been in the source material of Archie Comics. It is a significant reason why I hate this couple. There has under no circumstances been any romantic implications between Jughead and Betty in the comics. Jughead and Betty experience a strictly platonic relationship in the comics, and he's never shown any romantic interest in her whatsoever. Alternatively, Jughead has proved to be typically a generous supporter of Archie and Betty being together. Yes, that’s accurate. Jughead is undoubtedly the most prominent Barchie supporter in the classic comics, and that’s the proper way it should be typically. Jughead continually provides Betty kindly advice on how to win Archie over and persuade him to select Betty over Veronica. Jughead constantly encourages Betty to pursue Archie doggedly and has never had any interest in considering a romantic move on Betty whatsoever. Bughead as a romantic relationship does not and never has existed in the Archies Comic universe from what I recognize. And for that exact reason, this is why Bughead is considered to be unquestionably a fanservice ship. Jughead has traditionally had more romantic moments with Veronica in the classic comics than he has had with Betty! For some apparent reason, the prominent writers of Riverdale persistently refuse to have Jeronica experience more meaningful interaction and scenes together, despite their relationship being way more emphasized and iconic in the classic comics than Jughead and Betty’s. Bughead being canon on the show is utterly disrespectful to the source material of Archie Comics and even more insulting that the contributing writers voluntarily chose to erase the classic and iconic love triangle between Archie/Betty/Veronica just so that they can typically force Bughead on us. Just nope.

Jughead becomes unlikeable because of Betty: In season 1, I loved Jughead’s unique character. But as soon as he instantly got with Betty, he typically started to slowly become one of the most unlikeable characters on the show. I instantly saw rare glimpses of his unlikeability in season 1 when he was typical with Betty. When Betty threw Jughead a birthday party, Jughead lashed out and acted like a complete jerk. Affirmative, Betty should have told him beforehand that she wanted to arrange him a party instead of blindsiding him, but he still shouldn’t have reacted so harshly towards her. Despite Jughead’s periodic outbursts towards Betty and generally acting cold, icy and aloof towards most people, I sincerely liked Jughead and undoubtedly found him a decent character. Come season 2, and Jughead’s distinctive character became increasingly annoying and intolerable. I’m not going to instantly put all of the blame on Betty and Jughead’s relationship with her for him becoming increasingly annoying and unlikeable, but she is partly to blame for his fundamental change in personality. In season 1, Jughead demanded nothing to do with the Serpents. He proclaimed he wanted nothing to do with the Serpents so much that he didn’t have a good relationship with his father. Jughead would have rather been homeless than be undoubtedly like his alcoholic father. But then suddenly. Jughead genuinely wants to be a Serpent so bad and enthusiastically embrace his family legacy. It was like a polar night and day switch in personality. He went from being someone who was repulsed and turned off by the Serpents to genuinely wanting to be an active part of the Serpents and advocating for them so hard. And the remarkable thing is, I genuinely feel like Betty fed into Jughead’s negative Serpent addiction. She enabled his earnest desire to all of a sudden be a Serpent. Initially, Betty would be against Jughead being a Serpent but turns out that she wasn’t against it at all. By contrast, she was fine with her longtime boyfriend being undoubtedly in an organized gang and endangering himself even further. She was fine with Jughead eagerly embracing his historical Serpent legacy that Betty herself wanted to be a part of the complex Serpent world. She enabled Jughead becoming a Serpent. Jughead choosing to join the active gang voluntarily was precisely his informed decision, but Betty helped to influence him even more and enable him to become a Serpent. Essentially, Betty enabled Jughead to experience a dangerous lifestyle that could cause him so much trouble and danger instead of advocating for him to live a much safer crime-free lifestyle. It is possible it’s just me, but since Jughead has become a Serpent and even more, a Serpent King, Jughead has become very unlikeable and irritating as a character. Throughout the second half of season 2, I found Jughead increasingly annoying. He came across as very aggressive, intentionally mean and a cowardly bully. I especially hated his treatment of Veronica and how he talked down to her and mistreated her for her family’s crimes. Jughead was always the one who would proclaim the kids are not their parents. Adequately, if that were the case, why didn’t he give Veronica the benefit of the doubt and apply that same philosophy to her? He's becoming more aggressive, volatile and confrontational. In season 3 as Serpent King, he has become drunk and eagerly consumed with power. He has let being Serpent King and being an elected leader make his ego grow out of excessive control, and now he’s resorted to ill-treating his subordinate Serpents. He’s been a horrible leader so far and has proven he’s not meant to be King. Jughead had no issue with voluntarily leaving the Serpents high and dry and struggling financially. I genuinely understand that Jughead was helping his best friend Archie escape from Riverdale and the wrath of Hiram Lodge. But he doesn’t enjoy the luxury of doing stuff like that now that he’s Serpent King. He has responsibilities that he must tend to and dependent people to protect. That is precisely the whole point of being an effective leader and a King of a gang: caring about your needed people and subordinates. Season 3 has proven that Jughead is two types of leaders. Either he's a brutal, tyrannical, dictatorial, power-hungry, aggressive, and controlling Serpent King towards his subordinates and treats his underlings with disrespect and unfairness. Or he’s a weak, wimpy, irresponsible, spineless, and careless Serpent King who doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously enough and doesn’t seem to give a shit about his subordinates. Jughead, so far, has proven he is unlikeable as a Serpent and even more unlikeable as a Serpent King. With regards to Betty, Jughead humbly asking Betty to be his beloved Serpent Queen is undoubtedly just all distinct kinds of ridiculous. She does not deserve that honorary title. She is there because she is Jughead’s longtime girlfriend. She isn't earning that title through what she has done for the Serpents. It’s sheer nepotism because she is dating the Serpent King. The fact that Jughead allowed her to become the Serpent Queen is pathetic and sickening. If anyone should be given the title of Serpent Queen, it’s Toni Topaz. After all, the Southside Serpents are her family, and her family was the one who originated and founded the gang in the first place. It's Toni's legacy, and it's in her blood, even more than Jughead.  In addition to proving to be a horrible friend, boyfriend,  and leader, Jughead has showcased high key hypocritical behavior. He constantly criticizes Hiram Lodge and the Lodge family for being a family of petty criminals when his family is also criminals similar to the Lodges. As Serpent King, he declared there would be no crime tolerated as long as he is King. He had no issue with promptly kicking Toni and Cheryl out for doing something as harmless and stupid as stealing a Glamerge Egg stealthily from someone who has intentionally tried to destroy the Serpents lives (Hiram Lodge) wantonly. But then Jughead commits multiple crimes when he kidnaps and tortures Tall Boy and then covers up the murder of Tall Boy after Fangs accidentally assassinates him. He has allowed the executive power as Serpent King to get to his head and he has become more and more egotistical and full of himself. And Betty being with him surely hasn’t helped matters. She hasn’t been capable of snapping him out of these horrible moments that he’s been having throughout this season. Jughead has been playing Gryphons & Gargoyles, and he has allowed the game to consume him, and he has started to act crazy and brainwashed. But even Betty forewarning him hasn’t snapped him out of it. Jughead has become power hungry, and a tyrannical authoritarian leader of the Serpents and Betty hasn’t been able to temper his ego and his overwhelming power-hungry attitude. He has grown extremely distant from Betty, and it doesn’t even seem like they are even a couple anymore. There are just so many things that have negatively changed in Jughead’s character that I’m certain that the only way to repair Jughead’s character is to break him up with Betty and for him to be single for a while so that he can grow as a person. Jughead’s relationship with Betty has knowingly caused Jughead to become a stagnant character with bad character development. Jughead has regressed as a unique character and hasn’t experienced any positive growth, and at least 80% of the reason for Jughead’s distinct lack of personal growth is overwhelmingly his relationship with Betty. 

Betty becomes annoying because of Jughead: Similar to the previous point, Bughead has also caused Betty’s complex character to be impacted negatively as well. Since getting involved with Jughead, Betty has come to be one of the most annoying and irritating characters. She had been a much better character before she got into a rebound relationship with Jughead. Betty was a decent character in season 1, but she slowly descended into annoying character territory as soon as she jumped into a relationship with Jughead. The fundamental truth is that part of what traditionally made Betty more and more annoying was how much of her unique identity was dependent on Jughead. In season 2, it became pronounced that Betty was starting losing her identity through her relationship with Jughead. Her moral compass also started to become blurred, and she was willing to bend the rules and her morals for Jughead, something that is not okay. Such a prime example of Betty doing something immoral in the name of Jughead is when she severely threatened Cheryl and blackmailed her into lying under oath at FP’s criminal trial about FP covering up Jason’s brutal murder so that he would improperly receive a lighter prison sentence than he deserved. Betty blackmailed Cheryl to commit deceit or else she would expose the video of her father Clifford murdering her beloved twin brother Jason on the internet and everyone would know about it. The fact that Betty was willing to efficiently conduct such an evil, sinister and immoral deed all in the name of saving Jughead’s convicted father from receiving the prison sentence that he deserved for committing a crime of covering up murder showcased that Jughead is merely such a bad influence on Betty. As we all know, Betty battles a sinister side and suffers severe mental health issues that she has repeatedly ignored and refused to face and acknowledge. Jughead possesses a habit of bringing out Betty’s darkness and enabling her mental illness. When Betty was misbehaving and dressing up in BDSM clothing during a foreplay session with Jughead in 2x14, Jughead didn’t even flinch or show concern. He indeed enjoyed it and relished in it, and it was just beyond disturbing. Another key thing that bothered me was how Betty was so desperate to be with Jughead that she was willing to give up her established identity as a Northsider and promptly become a Southside Serpent. Jughead had informed her that he didn’t want him involved in that life because of how dangerous it is yet she persistently refused to listen attentively to him and his legitimate concerns. Betty got on a grand stage and started stripping in front of a local bar of old men as an underaged girl. It was just so inappropriate, and this was when I started to dislike Betty and realize just how much of a toxic influence Jughead and his environment have on Betty. Also, since getting with Jughead, Betty has become increasingly mean spirited and self-righteous. She adopts a terrible attitude and feels like she can merely talk down ton people whenever she wants. The unreasonable way Betty treats Veronica and talks down to her is downright disgusting and unacceptable. She has gone out of her way to humiliate Veronica repeatedly publicly, and I feel like Jughead plays a part in that because Jughead has always had a grudge against Veronica and her family. Jughead’s self-righteous and arrogant attitude, especially throughout season 2, strongly rubbed off on Betty and it showed in how Betty talked to people and treated others. Jughead and Betty together were highly annoying and unlikeable throughout season 2, and I couldn’t stand them and how they acted up. With Jughead, Betty seems to have a superiority complex which causes me to want to punch her in the face. She thinks she has the moral high ground when in reality, Betty has become one of the most morally compromised characters in the show since she got with Jughead. Betty has showcased that she is also very hypocritical. She is willing to commit immoral, illegal and criminal activity herself knowingly and is perfectly okay with Jughead committing immoral and criminal activity because they naturally think they are doing it for the right thing. But God forbid someone else does something wrong or something traditionally considered to be illegal, and all eternal hell breaks loose, and Jughead and Betty suddenly have something to declare about it. Betty called Veronica out for being a spoiled wealthy girl with corrupt daddy issues. Also, she called Veronica, a bad girl because of the harmful things her wealthy family does. It makes Betty pathetic and hypocritical. When she made those offensive comments to humiliate Veronica publically, she lacked self-awareness in addition to being a hypocrite. Because the truth is, Betty is also a spoiled, privileged girl with serious daddy issues and with a serial killer father and a cruel mother. Not to mention that Betty has committed more crimes and broken the law way more than Veronica ever has. Therefore no, Betty doesn’t claim any right or moral high ground to criticize Veronica and humiliate her constantly for things that her criminal family commits. Because Betty is more morally compromised than Veronica and it’s not even close. Not only do I believe that Jughead exercises a profoundly negative influence on Betty’s personality and he enables her darkness, but he also isolates Betty. It genuinely seems that since getting with Jughead, Betty has isolated herself from her other friends. We barely witness her communicate with anyone else other than Jughead. To Betty, it seems that Jughead is all that matters to her. That causes Betty to appear as unfriendly, aloof, unapproachable and unlikeable. Like Jughead, Betty has morphed into a loner, and it’s very unhealthy. Betty was way more sociable and friendly before she got with Jughead and it’s just sad that her relationship with Jughead has knowingly caused her social life to take a serious hit and deteriorate so badly. Betty has inevitably lost her likability and her identity because of her relationship with Jughead. Jughead has made Betty very unlikeable, and that is why it’s so hard for me even to support her or like her anymore. Like I mentioned above, the sole way for Betty’s character to be redeemed is for the writers to break Betty and Jughead up. Betty needs to be single for a while and to undergo some character development on her own without the urgent need of a boyfriend. I do ultimately desire her to develop a romantic relationship with Archie sufficiently but truthfully; she doesn’t deserve Archie with who she currently is. She’s way too screwed up to be with anyone in a relationship right now. Betty needs to be getting help for her mental health. She needs to be resolving her family issues. She needs to get some self-esteem because I honestly don’t think she has any. And most of all, she needs to get the hell away from Jughead. He is just bad for her on so many levels. Betty would be way more likeable, and a more admirable character without Jughead and that is the truth. Jughead is a major influence and apparent reason for Betty’s ultimate downfall as a decent character. Simply disappointing. 

Jughead is second best to Archie (when it concerns Betty): Let’s confront the facts here. Betty has been in unconditional love with Archie, and she always will be. That will never change. I don’t care how much she proclaims that Jughead is this impressive boyfriend and epic love (which he’s not). Betty loved Archie for so long and for her to merely disregard her feelings for him makes absolutely no logical sense to the storyline. We at present know that Jughead has felt second best to Archie since they were kids. Jughead felt that Archie was typically the more brilliant kid, the more popular kid, and Betty cherished him. Jughead has always felt second best to Archie, and honestly, that will never change. In the back of Jughead’s conscious mind, he feels insecure next to Archie and even more now than when they were kids growing up together. Archie has everything favoring him. He’s well-liked, he’s a natural-born leader, good-looking, charismatic, get all the attractive girls, he’s a talented athlete and a local star. Plus there’s inevitably going to be that critical fact that since childhood, Betty loved Archie before she barely looked Jughead’s way. Despite receiving the girl, Jughead must know that deep down, the most significant reason why he indeed got the girl in the first place is that Archie rejected her because he didn’t think he was competent enough to be with someone like her. It’s not like Betty naturally chose Jughead over Archie because she didn’t. Betty never got the chance or the ample opportunity to do so. Betty loved Archie for years, Betty told Archie how she genuinely felt, Archie totally freaked out and instantly rejected her, Betty was naturally forced to move on no matter how much Archie’s rejection hurt her. Allow me to spell it out one more time: Betty Cooper never chose Jughead Jones over Archie Andrews. Alternatively, Betty Cooper settled for Jughead Jones because she couldn’t have Archie Andrews. Archie has consistently been Betty’s first choice period. Do you genuinely think that is somehow going to change even though Jughead and Betty are currently in a relationship? Nah. One memorable day, Betty will willfully choose Archie over Jughead. It’s only a critical matter of time. Because deep down, Betty loves Archie and constantly has and always will. Betty will uncover her eyes once again and realize that Archie is the one that she belongs with and that she was merely projecting what she desired to possess with Archie into her relationship with Jughead. And yes, as a direct result of Betty’s unresolved feelings, Jughead will end up feeling second best to Archie once again just like he typically did when they were kids. Jughead will end up undoubtedly hurt and left behind like he did when Betty, Archie, and Jughead used to hang out during their childhood. The truth is Betty is settling for Jughead because Archie was unavailable to her. Poor Jughead. 

The classic, iconic love triangle (between Archie/Betty/Veronica) needs to be explored: The classic, iconic love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty is the most important storyline of Archie Comics. The fact that the writers believed it would be a brilliant idea to erase this aspect of the comics on their show adaptation is one of the worst writing decisions ever. If you’re going to make a show off an adaptation from a novel or comic book, at least make sure that you include the most compelling storylines and plot from the source material. Otherwise, what is the point of making a TV adaptation if you’re not going to respect the source material? The classic love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty is undoubtedly the whole point of Archie Comics. For the prominent writers to erase this key aspect and force Bughead as the main couple on the successful show, an odd couple that doesn’t indeed exist in the classic comics in the first place, a huge insult to the Archie Comics franchise. One of the fundamental reasons why I began watching this show in the first place is to see the iconic love triangle unfold between Archie, Veronica, and Betty. When I initially saw the show and the Pilot, I genuinely thought that was what we were allegedly going to receive throughout the series. But it proved to be a massive disappointment. They erased the triangle and forced Jughead and Betty into an unusual relationship. It merely makes no sense for the plot and the show. The sole reason why Jughead and Betty got together and for pure fan service reasons. Jughead and Betty are undoubtedly in no proper way romantically involved in the Archie Comics. They are strictly platonic friends, and I expected them to have the same dynamic on the show. Betty has always been in love with Archie and has never expressed a romantic interest in Jughead in the source material. Betty not being in passionate love with Archie and pining for him goes willingly against everything that Betty Cooper is popular as a unique character in the classic comics. Archie’s primary storyline is constantly being torn between Betty and Veronica, especially in the Archie Comics (2015) reboot. That is typically Archie Comics. The love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty are so timeless and classic and iconic that it’s the first key thing I naturally think of when I think of Archie Comics. This love triangle is one of the classic and oldest love triangles in modern media. This ongoing love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty and the compelling storyline of who is Archie inevitably going to choose: Betty or Veronica? has been going on for nearly 100 years! How do you produce a show based on Archie Comics and erase such a crucial plot point and storyline from the source material that you are adapting? It doesn’t generate any sense. It is why I don’t like or properly respect Bughead. Bughead should have never happened romantically on the show. It ruined or lowered the chances of the classic love triangle from being explored. Before being a Riverdale fan, I’m undoubtedly an Archie Comics fan. The contributing writers completely shit all over Archie Comics by not including the love triangle. Hopefully, the writers stop writing fan service and produce the show the way it’s supposed to be written. I sincerely hope that eventually, the writers diligently pursue the love triangle between Archie, Veronica, and Betty. Otherwise, what was typically the essential point in creating Riverdale in the first place? RAS and the Riverdale writers screwed up big time and merely made a critical writing and administrative error. And because of that, it’s no wonder the show has gone sideways, and the plot and storylines and characterizations of the comic characters are completely over the place. They neglected the one crucial piece of the Archie Comics material, and that is the classic love triangle. Shame on the contributing writers for reluctantly forcing Bughead, a useless ship that is undoubtedly non-existent in the classic comics, and shamefully neglecting and conveniently ignoring the love triangle between Archie, Betty, and Veronica. I don’t want to watch two boring, stale couples of Bughead and Varchie (AKA the Core Four) be all happy and lovey-dovey and act like they are elderly wed couples in high school. NO. I want complex drama. I require the exploration of creative relationships. I want fun and wild excitement. I want breathless suspense. The forced pairings of Varchie and Bughead do not provide me that, and it has strongly diverted me as a loyal viewer of Riverdale. Without that iconic love triangle from the classic comics, the show is going to become stale and boring very quickly. We’re in season 3, and the show already has become stale because of the boring, forced chemistry-lacking couples of Bughead and Varchie being constantly shoved in our grave faces and screaming hysterically “We’re endgame!” so early in the series. Where is the genuine excitement and legitimate interest in that when couples are already declaring their endgame and meant to be together so early in the series? That’s a huge executive writing mistake to put together those kinds of lines and dialogue in a show that’s a teen drama with romance. People are getting bored, and it’s showing in the ratings and in the reviews. Promptly give me the classic love triangle which is supposed to be traditionally established canon on the show and quit writing fan serviced garbage that is forced AKA Bughead and Varchie!

Bughead lacks sexual attraction and romanticism: Bughead doesn't appear to be a romantic enough couple because I find they lack sexual attraction and romanticism in their relationship. I know they have had romantic scenes and sex scenes on the show, but for some reason, there is no spark there. I feel whenever I'm viewing Bughead having a romantic scene or sexual scenes, it’s forced and they act like platonic friends who are intentionally trying to push a romantic connection that isn’t there at all. It is possible it’s the lack of chemistry between the two characters or even more, the two actors (Cole and Lili) but something is entirely missing. With the way that Jughead and Betty look at each other or act around each other, I don’t feel the sense that they are sexually or physically attracted to each other. They never gave each other those kinds of intriguing and passionate looks or glances. They don't have looks where there is complete and total desire or aching or desperate longing to be with each other. I’m uncertain if Jughead is physically or sexually attracted to Betty whatsoever. Affirmative, Betty is an attractive girl, but I don’t think he’s romantically attracted to her as he wants her. I think Jughead loves Betty, but I don’t think he lusts for her. If I accurately compare the way Jughead looks at Betty to the way he looked at Toni or especially Veronica, you can tell the difference. I see the physical and irresistible attraction between Jughead and Veronica. Jughead even admits he is physically and sexually attracted to Veronica in a recent season 3 episode (3x12). Jughead comments on Veronica’s physical beauty and her good looks, calling her “a hell of a good looking one” and “pretty girl.” It is an indication that Jughead holds an attraction towards Veronica. I haven’t heard Jughead express how beautiful or hot he thinks Betty is. I haven’t seen the desire that Jughead is supposed to have for Betty. At this moment in time, I’m not asking for Bughead to be a lustful, all sexual relationship. But the fact that there is little to no sexual or romantic attraction in their relationship leads me to believe there isn’t any sexual tension there. Not only do I think that Jughead isn’t sexually attracted to Betty, but I don’t think that Betty is sexually attracted to Jughead either. I do believe Betty is physically/romantically/sexually attracted to Archie in a notable addition to harboring an emotional attraction to him. That’s where Barchie is superior to Bughead: they have sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and emotional attraction. Bughead is dearly missing the romantic and sexual attraction aspects of their relationship, and that is why they lack organic chemistry. Sure they may have an emotional attraction, but that’s not enough to keep the relationship going. With Bughead, I merely don’t feel like they represent an amorous couple because they lack that romantic spark and desire. It produces an incredibly dull, non-romantic relationship. 

Bughead acts too much like an old married couple: The indisputable fact that Jughead and Betty are already working as though they are a wedded stable couple is pathetic. They are only 16 years old, yet they are acting as though they have been married for 30 or 40 years! They are just teenagers, and I don’t find it realistic for a couple to be that serious so fast at such a young age. Technically speaking, Bughead is typically the first love, teenage relationship yet they intentionally try to act like they represent a mature adult relationship. it doesn’t make sense, and it’s unrealistic. A romantic couple of 16-year-olds pretending they are lawfully married is not what teenage romance is and it’s not what typically happens in the real world. Jughead and Betty need to act accordingly like teenagers in a relationship, not two 50-year-olds who have been married for decades. Because of Bughead acting so mature for their age and acting like an elderly couple already, their relationship is very dull, stale and dry. There is little excitement and enthusiasm in the relationship. When you’re 16, and in a relationship, there is drama, there’s chaos, and there are ups and downs. A typical teenage romantic relationship doesn’t act as though they have been wed for 30 years, have a lively bunch of kids with a beloved dog, and a beautiful big house and white picket fence. It’s unrealistic, and it instantly makes Bughead look like a practical joke. The writers made a dreadful mistake making Bughead look like some old, mature couple because it just doesn’t suit two 16-year-old adolescents. For this reason, I can't take Bughead seriously.

Sprousehart is a PR or publicity couple: My final reason for disliking Bughead undoubtedly has to do with Sprousehart AKA the real-life “relationship” between Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart who portrays Jughead and Betty (Bughead). Therefore, it is recognizable for a while now that Cole and Lili are dating off-screen and they are invariably a couple. I know many fans in the Riverdale fandom are convinced that these two are the real deal and that they are in love and blah, blah, blah. But for me? I genuinely think they represent a fake PR couple. My specific reason for genuinely thinking this is because Cole and Lili have consistently failed to have any romantic or sexual on-screen chemistry as Bughead. If Cole and Lili are dating in real life and are undoubtedly in passionate love, then how come when they are portraying Bughead, they don’t have any personal chemistry at all? Shouldn’t a longtime couple that is dating off-screen be able to play a convincing romantic couple on-screen? Like I mentioned in my previous post, I critically compared Sprousehart to Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) and discussed the considerable differences between the two couples. I argued Brangelina were able to showcase their strong off-screen chemistry and their off-screen romance on the screen while they were playing a couple in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. However, Sprousehart can’t achieve the same thing as Bughead. This fact has ushered me to believe that Brangelina signifies a real couple while Sprousehart signifies a fake PR couple. Let’s not forget that the CW Network genuinely seems to specialize in aggressively pushing PR couples to reap buzz and dedicated attention and impressive ratings for their ambitious projects. Remember Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev from The Vampire Diaries? They were, also, a fake CW Network couple. Many attractive CW Network couples seem to last three to five years because it’s in their business contract and part of the deal with their management. Once the business contract is over, and the CW Network has successfully received enough buzz, earnest attention and satisfactory ratings for their specific project, then the two principal actors in the CW Network PR couple break up. That is what happened organically with Nina and Ian on TVD. They precisely dated each other for three years and then suddenly, they broke up and undoubtedly had a strange animosity towards each other. I also believe that Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush who portrayed Lucas Scott and Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill embodied a fake PR couple and were pushed simultaneously together by the WB/CW Network. That is why their marriage didn’t last because it was a business contract and their characters Lucas Scott and Brooke Davis were dating on their show. Sprousehart is falling into the same category as Nian and Chophia, two popular couples that were passionately loved and adored by longtime devoted fans of TVD and OTH respectively. Also, I have compared Sprousehart to Robsten (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) from the successful Twilight film franchise. Many people still believe Robsten were a real couple and that they were in love in real life. But the reality is they weren’t. Robsten represents a PR couple, and they were forced together by their executive management. Rob and Kristen’s rumored romance was to generate attention, buzz, and money for the Twilight franchise and it was abundantly obvious. Once the Twilight movie franchise was over, Kristen was captured cheating with her movie producer, and there were paparazzi photos of her cheating and canoodling with her movie producer which generated a massive scandal. But here’s the thing. Those Kristen iconic cheating photos were all staged. Kristen had those photos taken on purpose so that she could completely “break up” with Robert and get out of her business contract with him. Now that the Twilight movies were over and Rob and Kristen no longer needed to promote their movies, they could do whatever they wanted after getting out of the contract. Once Kristen and Robert were out of the PR contract, Robert immediately moved on with another attractive girl (the British rapper Twigs), and Kristen came out as bisexual and started courting other women. Another comparable couple to Sprousehart? The royal Disney Network couple, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens AKA Zanessa. They were, also, an exceedingly popular couple during the days of High School Musical. Everyone in the media was talking about them, and there was much buzz and attention generated around their off-screen romance. I believe Zanessa was a PR couple that was pushed together by the Disney Network. Zanessa dating each other screen and being seen together as a couple in genuine life was about attention, money, and ratings for HSM. Interestingly enough, there is a strong parallel between Zanessa and Sprousehart, and that is both of these “couples” had paparazzi photos of them taken while they were walking together on the beach. Nobody can tell me the photos of Sprousehart on the beach in Hawaii from last year were not staged because they were. They are practically identical to the pap photos of Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens when they were on the beach together. I know I sound like a conspiracy theorist, but there have been too many similarities between Sprousehart and other PR couples like Robsten, Zanessa and Nian. If you don’t believe me about the possibility of Sprousehart being a fake PR/publicity couple, please refer to these articles and they will enlighten you about PR/publicity couples in Hollywood and show business: 1.) https://www.thetalko.com/15-celebrity-relationships-that-were-fake-and-we-believed-them/ 2.) https://www.nickiswift.com/2203/hollywood-relationships-completely-fake/ 3.) https://stars.topix.com/slideshow/15764 4.) https://www.slice.ca/love/photos/celebrity-relationships-that-might-not-have-been-real/#!staged-tom-taylor 5.) https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/gqy9dy/taylor-swift-tom-hiddleston-pr-relationships-promances 6.) https://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/slideshows/12-celebrity-relationships-were-pretty-sure-are-fake/. The fundamental problem is that so many people fall for these fake PR couples because they can look pretty convincing. Therefore though a  couple may be PR and fake, so many naive people, predominantly young fans of the couple, can’t tell they aren’t a true romance and that they are only together for other purposes that traditionally have nothing to do with genuine love and romance. Now, as to why Cole and Lili are in a possibly fake PR romance? I think Cole is in the romance with Lili because it gives him attention and reignites his fame and recognition amongst the media and the public. Cole is pretty famous already due to his legendary past as an established Disney star/ child star in which he grew up in the limelight. However, being on a popular teen drama (Riverdale) and trying to get his foot back into the acting world and possibly the photography world, being in a romantic relationship with one of his co-stars is a sure way to ignite tons of media buzz along with fan attention towards him. Now, just because I believe Cole is in a PR relationship with Lili for his benefit doesn’t mean I think he’s some super cold, ruthless,  ambitious snake that is merely using Lili for his gain. It’s not to say I don’t think Cole likes Lili as a person but do I think he’s romantically involved with her? No, I don’t. At best, I would say Cole is friends with benefits with Lili, but moreover, I sincerely believe Cole is close friends and co-stars with Lili more than anything else. In contrast, I fervently believe that Lili’s key reasons for being in the PR relationship with Cole are much more ruthless and ambitious than Cole's reasons for being in the relationship with Lili. I genuinely think Lili is dating Cole for considerable publicity, established fame and generous recognition. She's undoubtedly a reasonably new and up and coming actress, and by dating Cole, who is already rather famous already, she undoubtedly gains significant attention and extraordinary popularity through her relationship with Cole. Much of the attention that Lili typically gets in the modern media and amongst the Riverdale fandom is because she is dating Cole off-screen, let’s be honest here. Sure, she commands active support herself, and there are loyal fans who like her for her acting and her personality, but it’s her “alleged relationship” with Cole that delivers that extra bit of attention in her favor. I think Lili sees money and fame where her relationship with Cole is concerned. I don’t necessarily think it's about real love and genuine romance, but more about what Cole can do for her future acting or successful Hollywood career. I harbor a distinct feeling that once Riverdale starts to wind down and comes to a close, Sprousehart is likely to break up and go their separate ways, similar to how Nian on TVD did. That’s because I  think Sprousehart is a contracted PR romance that is being used as an iconic brand to efficiently generate social attention and media buzz for Riverdale to help increase its ratings and earn money. The sad thing is many fans of Sprousehart are naive, teenaged girls who believe that life faithfully imitates cinematic art and that like Bughead, Sprousehart are true love and are traditionally the modern-day epic romance. But grievously, they couldn’t be more incorrect. Now, what I’m stating could all be untrue, but I’m only going by what I’ve observed so far with Sprousehart. It is possible I’m mistaken, and they are genuine, but there hasn’t been enough proof or evidence for me to believe otherwise. I also believe that Sprousehart is severely overexposed and overrated, and they are too exposed to modern media. They are too exposed for an odd couple that scarcely has any unique chemistry. Sprousehart is no Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall or Richard Burton & Elizabeth Taylor. Hell, Sprousehart isn’t even Brangelina. As a result, I can’t understand for the life of me why this “couple” is so overexposed in the media. Sprousehart is overhyped, and because of them, the prominent writers have voluntarily chosen to cater to them and Bughead by writing fan service. The sole reason why Bughead is still together on the successful show is because of Sprousehart, the fake PR celebrity couple. The network and the writers know that they have a huge naive fanbase of teenage girls who worship them, and they know that if they break them up, all hell will break loose on the internet. Bughead and Sprousehart by possible extension will represent the imminent downfall of Riverdale, and it will be undoubtedly those two odd couples that will ultimately be this shows demise. 

Those are all of my reasons for hating Bughead. Now that I have listed all my reasons, you can understand why I believe this couple is the worst thing to happen to Riverdale and why I think that this ship needs to sink fast. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. ☮️

[icequeenjules26]

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

Summary: Dan has a numb day. Phil is not home, but he still manages to reach and help his boyfriend.

Word Count: 2,2k

Tags: Depression, Angst, Fluff, Established Relationship

A/n: This is written for my dearest @jorzuela, who's birthday is today. Unfortunately, I can't be there with her, but I decided to write her a little something. Please keep in mind that this is heavily descriptive of a mental illness. There's fluff in there and it's not all bad, but it's written out of Dan's perspective, and as the title suggests, it's not all Rainbows and butterflies.  (it's also completely raw and unbeta'ed) Yani, I still hope you like this. You know what it means. Happy Birthday. 

Read on AO3

Dan wakes up in darkness.

 For a second his heart is racing and he knows he should be panicked, but then his heartrate settles and his breathing slows down. It was probably just a nightmare, he suspects, but quickly realizes he doesn’t care.

 About anything, actually.

 He should be used to it by now, he’s known for a while this could happen, but the reality is that he’s not. Not yet. It’s still such a foreign concept to him that half the time he wonders if it is real. Yearlong he’s thought this was normal, that it happened to everyone, just to be told that no, it doesn’t; that something is wrong with him.

 That he’s just broken that way.

 He knows he should be getting up, or at least search for his phone somewhere on his nightstand, but he can’t get his hand or the rest of his body to move. He’s not sure why, where the command gets lost; it’s like there’s voices in his head and he isn’t sure which one is actually him. Sometimes he wonders if it’s all him, if he’s just an asshole, making him look worse to the outside world so he gets noticed, so that he gets pity, feelings.

 Then he remembers he has no obligation to get up. He’s not exactly sure which day of the week it is, but as long as his memory is still working properly he’s certain Phil isn’t there anyway, that he’s gone to visit his family.

 No one that would notice if he’d just vanish, stay in bed and not do anything. No one to fake normality for. He’s aware he should get up anyway, have breakfast, do something, but he can’t; as long as there’s no reason one of the voices won’t let him.

 If he would still be living at home he’d get up, put on a half-smile, act like everything’s fine. He’d be the son his parents expect.

 Even now, living with Phil, he’d still try to fake it. He and Phil had both agreed fairly early on that there was no use for it, that he’d just show him when it’s getting like this, but the reality is a whole different thing.

 In reality, Phil is living and breathing and gorgeous, and Dan can’t bear to turn the prettiest smile he’s ever seen into a frown. In reality, Phil would worry about him. And he’s not worth being worried about.

 It’s sheer desperation that allows him to reach out and take his phone. He completely ignores all notifications, doesn’t even perceive the time, just opens Spotify and clicks play on the first playlist he comes across. It’s Panic, he realizes, which really doesn’t match his spirit at the moment, but he doesn’t care. He just wants – needs to drown out the voices.

 He can hear Phil talking in his head, telling him not to listen to them, telling him he’s a great person, that he’s not garbage. But it’s hard to believe him when numerous voices tell him otherwise.

 It’s a fickle thing, the demon, as Phil calls it; it disguises its voices with a tone that could easily be his own. Sometimes he’s sure it’s just himself, but the next day Phil will tell him he realized it was the demon lurking in. He’s glad Phil can keep them apart fairly clearly, is glad he knows what is real. It’s always there, he’s never completely free, but most of the times he’s still himself – he is what he is despite of this demon, not because of it.

 ~~~~~~~~

 There’s bright specks of light falling through the roller blinds when his stomach starts making rumbling noises. He notices he’s hungry and thirsty, but he doesn’t particularly care and he’s pretty certain he wouldn’t be able to get up anyway. Even breathing seems to be the hardest chore already, every breath a conscious choice. He doesn’t know why he chooses to keep breathing, but something tells him he should.

 It’s then his phone starts vibrating next to him.

 There’s still music coming out of it, music that helps quieten the voices or at least make them disappear in a sea of louder sounds, different lyrics to keep his mind occupied and different rhythms to keep him aware of being alive. He’s pretty sure that he should reach out, take the call; that it’s probably important if someone is ringing him, but it’s like he can’t get through to his body. His hand doesn’t move until the vibrating stops.

 It starts again only a few seconds later though and now Dan knows it’s important. It takes him a few seconds, but it’s easier to make his hand move towards the phone now.

 “Hello,” he says with as much interest as he can muster.

 The person on the other side doesn’t even wait till the word is rung out. “Dan. Are you okay?”

 Dan thinks there’s worry in Phil’s voice and for a moment he has to keep himself from retching. The sheer thought of this amazing human being worrying about someone as worthless as him feels foreign and wrong to him, but he manages to keep it down.

 “‘M fine,” he croaks out, but it sounds hollow and flat and he knows Phil will pick up on it. It's not a lie, really, he doesn't feel bad. There's two of these states, sadness and numbness. Today there's just nothing, rarely any feeling pushing through the thick walls he's trapped in. He'd take this over sadness any day.

 “Tell me the truth, Dan.” Phil sounds restricted, like he's gritting his teeth, and Dan can't comprehend why. The voices tell him he definitely did something wrong, but the rationality left informs him he barely did anything.

 He's familiar with the question, he knows what to say to make Phil realize the state he's in, but he has to battle with himself for a moment. Honestly, he only says the truth because firstly he couldn't outright lie to Phil, and secondly Phil would immediately pick up on the lie and continue the investigation. And he really doesn't want any more questions.

 “It's nothing.”

 Of course, Phil understands.

 “Do you want me to come home?”

 It still sounds squeezed out, like he's still clenching his teeth. Now the voices tell Dan Phil has every right to be mad at him, about possibly having to cut the family visit short just because Dan can't do the simplest things alone - just because he's weak. The voices are there, showing him all the reasons to believe them, but he doesn't. He knows Phil better than this. He's his one save haven.

 And yeah, sometimes even that doesn't work and he believes the demon. But today it’s enough. Today the fact that it's Phil is what keeps him upright.

 “No. I'll be fine.”

 There's a sigh at the other end of the line. When Dan closes his eyes he can practically see Phil, the worry written clearly on his face, unshed tears in his eyes. He knows him being like this makes Phil sad and sometimes he hates himself for it.

 “Okay. But I need you to know that I'm here, and that I care, okay? Not out of guilt or whatever crap the demon is telling you, but because I love you and you are important to me. So fucking important.”

 Dan hears something that almost seems to be desperation in Phil's voice and suddenly, there's a surge of pain and tears in his eyes. It's gone as fast as it came, but he knows it was there. In a twisted way it’s liberating, how it pushes through the wall around him, and it reminds him he can get through this.

 He can get through everything, as long as he has Phil.

 He's sure feelings would be battling inside of him if there wouldn't be this numbness covering it up, but he doesn't need to be able to feel to know how much he loves his boyfriend. When this episode is over he'll think back to this moment and cry about how perfect Phil is.

 “Thank you. I'm sorry.” He doesn’t really know what he's saying but he doesn't think it matters. Phil won't take any of this for real because right now, he's not himself. Right now he's a grotesque mix of a robot and the demon, no feelings but full of self-depreciation.

 “I need you to stay on the phone,” Phil says on the other end of the line and Dan is sure it's said with determination and severity, even though he has no idea why.

 “Why,” he asks, but it sounds more like a statement than an actual question. He knows he doesn’t need to raise his voice. He knows he doesn’t need to act for Phil, even if he tried earlier. He always sees through Dan immediately, and he’s so fast with learning what Dan needs and when, that Dan is sure he’s an actual saint.

 Phil doesn’t have it easy either, obviously; his life isn’t just rainbows and butterflies. He has trouble sleeping and anxiety. Sometimes he’s sad or doesn’t feel up to stuff, but he’s always there for Dan.

 He always knows what to do when Dan has one of his bad days, or when his mood makes a 180 degree turn in the middle of the day. Dan on the other hand is often not certain about how to deal with Phil’s bad days, and he feels like an asshole for it.

 “Because I know hearing my voice quietens the demon, and because I need to know you’ve eaten and drunk something before I can leave you alone,” Phil answers and the echo of love pushes through Dan. It’s muted and faint, but he knows it’s there.

 There’s rustling on the other end, muffled voices, then the sound of a door closing. “Can you do that for me, love? Can you get up?”

 For a second Dan isn’t sure, but when he recognizes the softness in Phil’s voice the demon’s reins slip and it’s as easy as it normally is. “Okay.”

 So he does. He gets up, puts Phil on speaker and goes through his morning cores. Phil has him drink a glass of water, then a cup of tea and makes him eat a toast without even being there. He goes through the motions lifeless and shallow, feeling like he’s not really there, but he does it, and that’s more then he thought he’d achieve when he woke up this morning.

 They stay on the phone for hours, chatting about this and that. Phil’s mum brings him lunch and dinner and talks in an utterly considerate and kind way to Dan while Phil’s eating. Dan doesn’t contribute a lot, but he likes to hear them talk, because deep down he knows they both love him, even if the demon says otherwise.  Phil makes him have a small dinner, too, and then he’s back in bed.

 “Sometimes I think you’d be better off without me,” he whispers into the quiet as Phil is searching for another story to tell. He can hear his boyfriend inhale sharply. When he talks his voice is hard as steel.

 “Don’t ever say that.”

 Dan holds his breath, heart pounding. He knows he wouldn’t have said it on a normal day but right now, that doesn’t make it less true to him, and Phil’s reaction scares him. He always wants to be honest with Phil. Is he not allowed to?

 It’s silent for a moment before Dan can hear Phil taking a long, calm breath, then a slow exhale. When he talks the softness is back, love mixed into his voice and Dan has trouble to comprehend. “It’s not true, okay? You mean so much to me, Dan. So much. And I need you, more than you’ll ever know. I know it’s hard for you to understand right now, but… You’re the contouring, remember? Every good Anime needs contouring.”

 Dan remembers this conversation vividly, and a chuckle escapes his lips. He’s not sure how, he’s not sure why, he’s just sure it’s there. His breathing evens out and a lone tear makes its way down his cheek. He loves his boyfriend so, so much and it’s a shame he’s not really able to feel it at the moment.

 “Thank you,” he whispers and he knows there’s a smile on his face, even if he doesn’t know how exactly it got there.

 “Of course, love.”

 It’s silent for a second, then: “Do you think you can sleep now? For me? Put on some music and try it?”

 ~~~~~~~~

 Dan falls asleep to the playlist Phil made him that night. The next morning he wakes up to a full heart and a smile on his face and he knows the worst is behind him once more.

 Without even checking the time he video calls Phil. When he finally picks up the call Dan doesn’t even wait for his boyfriend to say something, just looks at his still adorably sleepy face and feels his heart swelling before he speaks. “I love you so much, Phil.” He pours everything into these words, everything he feels for Phil; the adoration, the thankfulness, the admiration. The love.

 The smile that slowly spreads on his boyfriend’s face is so wide, so full, so absolute he thinks his heart might just burst.

 “I love you too, Dan.”